Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/11/2005

Question
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Followup To
Question - when we are in social settings, he doesn't stop drinking...recently we were at an auction for our children's school (yes, we have two children ages 7 and 4) and have been married for 9 years.  At the auction (which I organized a great deal of) we were cleaning up and he had way more than enough at that point and proceeded to drink wine out of glasses people had left behind...I was mortified, not only embarrassed, but totally shocked and not knowing what to say or do...and then when i mentioned it, he says "oh, i thought that was your glass" he thinks I only saw him do it to one glass...then after we got home he drank the wine in a glass I had poured for myself and didn't drink before we went out that evening.  I think it is totally out of control, he usually doesn't know when to stop.

Tell me whatever other details you need.  I know we need help, perhaps me as much as him...I just don't know what to do.  I did mention the vodka to him last night and he said "it's not as bad as it looks" and is just trying to minimize the whole thing.


hi,

My husband sneaks alcohol...typically he will drink wine and hide it...then when it's all gone i'll ask him and he will admit it.  i recently found two bottles of Absolute Vodka and a shot glass in our basement on a little shelf that he would never guess I'd see (it's in his office) and one was empty, the other is already half gone.  He doesn't know that I know about it, because I'm just sick and tired of talking about it.  I get angry and then he just waits for my anger to subside...it's a terrible way to live.  I don't know what to do?
Answer -
Greetings to you, dear Anne.

You have shared that you think your husband is an alcoholic, that “...typically he will drink wine and hide it...”

Although it is true that alcoholics sometimes do that sort of thing, the common-to-all symptom of true alcoholism is an inability to control how much one drinks after getting started ... where one drink is “too many” and a thousand is never enough ... and at least for now, your description of your husband's drinking does not seem to indicate that kind of out-of-control drinking.  However, he nevertheless certainly could be headed toward that kind of drinking:

“He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink” (“Alcoholics Anonymous” (A.A. “Big Book”), page 21).

In my own case, I began hiding and/or lying about my drinking (as your husband now seems to be doing) around the time I was at least becoming aware of my ever-growing lack of control.  At first, I could always drink “just a few” ... but within just a few years, my drinking had become completely out of control.

Have you ever heard about THIQ (TetraHydroIsoQuinoline)?  Within certain people (who are ultimately true alcoholics), there is a certain body chemistry that ends up producing (and storing) THIQ (an extremely addictive and self-demanding alkaloid) in the brain whenever alcohol is (again) ingested ... and each time another “just a few drinks” sets it off again, an actual physical craving for more alcohol develops.  In other words, and for the true alcoholic: One drink literally takes the next whenever THIQ is present.

You have written ...

“I recently found two bottles of Absolute Vodka and a shot glass in our basement on a little shelf that he would never guess I'd see (it's in his office) and one was empty, the other is already half gone.  He doesn't know that I know about it, because I'm just sick and tired of talking about it.  I get angry and then he just waits for my anger to subside...”

I can imagine that only the discovery of your husband having a mistress could be more threatening (or even devastating) for you.  You love him, need him and depend upon him, yet he has a certain kind of “secret love affair” going with alcohol, resulting in your saying, “... it's a terrible way to live.”

Yes, it is ... and quietly said: You might as well stop trying to prove what you already know, for your husband is likely on a given course that you cannot possibly alter.

How long have you been married, and do you have children?  There are a couple of directions I could go here, but I would be amiss to say very much more without knowing at least a few more details.

Please do stay in touch ...

Lee


Answer
Greetings again, dear Anne.

In my own case, it was the awareness that my two, young daughters (who were then about the same age as your children are now) would ultimately have to bury a drunken father that drove me to admit (at least to myself, at first) that I had a serious “living problem” ... with that “living problem” being at least partly evidenced by the undeniable-to-me fact that I sometimes willingly and sometimes unwillingly) drank to try to escape (or to at least try to cover up) the reality of its very existence.  Understand?

My point at the moment is this:

“Our liquor [drinking] was but a symptom ...” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, page 64);

“...Bottles were only a symbol ...” (page 103);

Your husband's drinking is also but a symptom of a deep-rooted problem.

You might ask, “What is that problem?”

Here it is:

“We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people ...” (page 52);

“What is his basic trouble?  Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind?  Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?” (page 61);

“Selfishness - self-centeredness!  That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity ...
“So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.  They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so” (page 62).

Now, I am giving you but an overall glimpse of later issues here, but I am doing that to reinforce the above-mentioned point:

Your husband's drinking is a symptom of a deep-rooted problem, and that problem is the personality behind his alcoholism, and not merely ethyl alcohol.

You have written ...

>> when we are in social settings, he doesn't stop drinking...

More than likely, he at least occasionally believes he drinks invisibly, and at least partly behind that thought is the fact that he actually believes he has a certain kind of “right” to drink in any way he deems necessary (or seemingly “required”) in order for him to even get through the day at all.  In my own case, and as insane as this might sound, I used to drink to “preserve my sanity” by spending as much time as possible in oblivion in order to avoid “going over the edge” permanently and/or committing suicide.

>> we were cleaning up and he had way more than enough at that point and proceeded to drink wine out of glasses people had left behind...
>> I was mortified, not only embarrassed, but totally shocked and not knowing what to say or do...

If you are the bold type, next time just pour him a fresh glass and take it to him, saying something like, “Here, Honey, I would like you to at least have your own glass ...”, then just quietly walk away.  In very subtle and non-confrontive ways, try to help make it possible for him to quietly begin to discover that his drinking is not invisible.  Go get a bottle of his favorite vodka and set it in a discreet place (in relation to your children) your husband frequents.  Try a few things like that, and when he asks about it, just quietly let him know you are beginning to understand that he cannot live without it at the moment ... and of course, stay closely in touch right here!  If the right time and place ever comes, we are hopefully-eventually headed toward suggesting (to him) something like this:

“As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our will power.  If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year.  If he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there is scant chance of success.  In the early days of our drinking we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later.  Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic.  We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry anything like a year.  Some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions; most of them within a few weeks.
“For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether.  We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop ...” (page 34).

>> Tell me whatever other details you need.

You have shared plenty.  Ask questions and keep me posted.

>> I know we need help, perhaps me as much as him...

What are your thoughts there concerning yourself?

Also, it would be helpful for you to read the chapter “To Wives” (page 104) in the A.A. “Big Book”.  If you do not already have access to a copy, you should be able to get one by looking for “AA” in the phone book and giving the local service office a call.  Or, you should be able to find one in your local library.

Blessings to you ...

Lee