Expert: Rebos - 9/19/2007

Question
Hi Rebo's want to give you an update. My friend kept calling and emailing. I blocked her email so she kept calling. I did talk to her, but stood by the truth. She doesn't' understand why I'm doing this. She keeps saying why do I want to end our friendship and is telling friends I'm ending our friendship.

I stood my ground and told her I want nothing more that to be friends,I'm just not putting up with the drinking and our friendship is up to her. I told her I didn't understand why she refuses to stop. She says she been to a few AA meeting, I just told her that 's good. She also said if she can't call or email how I'm I suppose to know she's getting help.
I told her I would know, I would just know...we have mutual close friends... I will know.
She told me that alchoics deceive and will fall off the wagon - she said she would try,but why I'm I putting conditions on our friendship. I told her that I do know about deceiving and falling off the wagon, but when she says she'll "try" she was giving her self a disclaimer. Basically trying wasn't good enough and that she should just go ahead and tell me that she doesn't want to stop so she is choosing to end the friendship.

So now I"m in need a reassurance that I did the right thing. My husband says at this point there is not right or wrong way to talk to her only to stand by the truth. Just as Christ would...and you know in some way I don't feel sorry or bad - almost relief. I keep reminding my self that I don't want to go back to where we were.  

Answer
Good afternoon Sandy and thank you for updating me relative to your friend.

It seems as though her negative attitude hasn’t changed one bit. Instead of her looking at the great majority of alcoholics who are in AA, who are successful at changing their lives for the better, she is looking at the phonies and losers for her inspiration to deny her recovery! As I wrote you on an earlier occasion she wants to run the show the way she wants to run the show, and is trying to line you up as a potential victim and take you hostage. Remember that you are the sane one and remain strong in your conviction that you are doing the right thing… not only for yourself but hopefully for her too. It’s the one thing that you have control of (your actions) that may help to save her life.

I usually don’t get involved discussing God or Spirituality, but since you brought it up in your message I will touch upon it somewhat… Emotions have a profound influence on how we act or respond to our “at present” situation. Sometimes our emotions, being what they are, tend to cloud our ability to think and act rationally. They often cause us to see a situation in a distorted way. When an emotion controls one’s actions, their response to a situation is usually a distortion of the truth rather than the reality of a situation. When we can accept that our emotions may be in control… and that they may be the trigger causing the outburst of a character defect or negative character trait, it unlocks the mystery of what is happening to us. By recognizing what may be happening to us at that instant, we can take action to keep our emotions from becoming the thoughts that we eventually act upon. We should not allow our emotions to control a situation beyond what is considered normal, nor should we allow any of the problems that our emotions cause us, to become a permanent part of our lives. Our goal should be to learn from our mistakes by continuing to take personal inventory and become aware of what improvements we should make. Emotions have an important role in our lives. We must have them in order to survive as human beings. Just as our instincts are important to us so are our emotions, that is, until they go beyond what is considered normal. It is important for us to practice a discipline of continual spot check inventory and humility in order that we may learn to live in the light of the Spirit. It is from the Spirit that we can achieve humility, and it is from humility that we will be restored to a normal way of life throughout our entire being…physical, mental and spiritual. Humility is sometimes defined as knowing that nothing that we have really belongs to us. We may forget that God fits into the equation.

Emotions, however, are quite mysterious. They tend to disguise themselves from what we may think is going on with us at any particular time. As an example: If a person that we love is undergoing a critical medical condition that we know we can’t handle on our own, it would be normal to turn the problem over to God, and pray to accept what His will is for us. Uncontrolled emotions in themselves may be what prevent us from being able to ask God to take over the situation. In a case such as this we may not ask God for help, because the emotion of loving or caring for the person is in itself the barrier to asking for help. I have come to believe that the emotion involved in this instance is not one of love but of fear. It is our fear that we don’t want to recognize as the culprit. Many of our emotions are fear based. Recognition should be given to the many disguises that anger comes in…intolerance, contempt, envy, snobbishness, rigidity, cynicism, discontent, tension, sarcasm, self-pity, malice, distrust, anxiety, suspicion, jealousy, and the grand-daddy of all, FEAR. Sound decisions are made when one uses the so-called mathematical equation of…I (intellect) over E (emotion) = (equals) SD a (sound decision). On the other hand if the equation is changed to emotion over intellect a sound decision becomes questionable as to its result. Of course it is sometimes difficult to discern a plain old “gut feeling” about a situation from an emotional one. The difference being that a gut feeling is usually based upon some past experience rather than emotion. Experience, in a situation such as this, can be classified as intellect whether we or someone else that we know have experienced a like or similar experience.

Emotional pain experienced from any loss of importance is usually manifested by an emotional response. Emotions being what they are cloud our ability to think rationally, and cause us to see our situation in a distorted way. When we can accept that our emotions are in control and that they are causing the pain, it can unlock the mystery of what is happening to us, and what we can do to alleviate the suffering. We can’t allow our emotions to control the situation beyond what is normal, nor should we allow our present pain to become a permanent part of our lives, for example remorse, shame or guilt. When we turn away from God because we blame Him for our pain we turn our backs on the answer to relieving our pain. Our pain is often a symptom of something else that is wrong with us, and “that something else" is usually based upon our lack of spirituality and faith. The level of our emotional pain can be directly related to our materialism. The more materialistic that we are, the deeper our pain will be. The more spiritual we are, the less our pain is. It is important for us to examine our pain with a trusted friend or family member. It should not and cannot be done alone very easily. Our emotions are in charge. It is natural for us to want to retreat into ourselves, but we must allow those we care about to help us through it. When you allow others to help it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of our strength. Pain is an opportunity for personal growth and development. It can be a time of taking personal inventory to make changes in our lives for the good, or to see how we can redirect our energy to spiritual living. We must use this time for serious examination of our relationship with God. The stronger our faith in God the more we can trust that our pain is for the greater good, and that our understanding of the greater good is presently beyond our comprehension. Having faith in God allows us to accept our pain for what it can do for us in a positive way. It should not be wasted on self-recrimination and self-centeredness. Yes… emotional pain can be a very lonely experience.

Some of my thoughts on the subject of emotions may help you with understanding what may be happening to you in your relationship with your friend. Once again thank you for your update Rebos.