Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 10/18/2006

Question
Thank you for the insight and advice.
Yes, I am willing to be an active participant in my wife's recovery. However, I would like to keep this going thru the website. I have used AllExperts many times, and have never been asked to call someone, so I am a little hesistant.
Anyway, I have heard many times that one is powerless to make another one quit drinking.
I hate being powerless, and need to know that I can do something to help. What realistically can I do?

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Followup To

Question -
Hi.
I'd like to answer your questions..

Q1. Has your wife ever considered that she might be an alcoholic?

A1. She has considered that she has a drinking problem. She never admitted to being an alcoholic. I've said a few time that she is, and each time, she gets very upset. She is in some stage of denial, I believe.

Q2. Do you have any idea what might be “driving your wife to drink”, so to speak?

A2. I know of some things that trigger it, such as family issues (not our family, but mainly her sisters). She uses alcohol as a crutch at times, so things that make her nervous, upset, depressed, etc. may trigger it. She can go long stretches at times without it, but that first drink always leads to another and another..
She is also sneaky about it. I have found hidden alcohol at times.

Q3. Has your wife ever expressed any concern or remorse about her drinking?

A3. Yes, after a particularly bad night.
There have been times where she has apologized the next day. There have been empty promises to quit drinking.

So, in summary, I still love her. I want to stay together, and keep my family as one unit.
But, I refuse to be a pushover. I have dealt with her drinking for many years now, and am getting tired..


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Followup To

Question -
Hi.
My wife of 12 years has always had a drinking problem. I'm pretty sure she is an alcoholic.
After many instances where she drinks too much, then starts an argument with me, I told her I had it, and went to see a marriage counselor.
I think she thought I was getting ready to leave her, so it scared her straight for 5 months.
Then, she started drinking again. I am very upset.
I want to leave her, but I cannot, becuase we have a house together, and more importantly, a young son together. What now..?


Answer -
Greetings to you, Art.

There are two approaches to any kind of ongoing dilemma – situation management and true resolution – and before talking specifically about your difficulty in relation to your wife’s drinking, I would like to offer these illustrations of those two approaches:

Suppose you have just discovered a flat tire on your vehicle.  You have never had a flat tire before, and you might never have one again.  But for now, you would simply have that flat tire repaired – situation management – and forget about it.

But now suppose you have been experiencing an ongoing problem with flat tires.  Every time you have one fixed, you discover another not long after you get back home.  Each occurrence would be repaired just as before, but now your situation has become unmanageable and needs some kind of resolution.  Upon doing a little investigation, you discover that a box of nails had somehow been spilled at the end of your driveway, and your cleaning up those nails would fully resolve the matter of your otherwise never-ending dilemma.

Here is my summary showing the key elements in what you have written:

>> After many instances where [my wife] drinks too much ...
>> ... scared her straight for 5 months.
>> Then, she started drinking again ...
>> I want to leave her, but I cannot ...
>> What now..?

You seem obviously aware that another “scare” would not resolve your dilemma, and I commend you for not getting caught in that trap – repeated and fruitless attempts at situation management – like so many people do.  However, and once you do have some kind of “resolution plan” in hand, something will have to get your wife’s attention so that she might even consider it.  So then, and while acknowledging that this can be a bit tedious, we first need to try to find out what might effectively get your wife’s attention.

Looking for a beginning point where you or anyone might best approach your wife, I have these questions for you to answer if you can:

- Has your wife ever considered that she might be an alcoholic?

If not, we might look for a way to carefully present that possibility, and if so, this might be a good time for someone to try to help her see a little more of what that actually means and the deadly consequences ahead.

- Has your wife ever expressed any concern or remorse about her drinking?

If so, and especially if recently, she might be open to a quiet talk.

- Do you have any idea what might be “driving your wife to drink”, so to speak?

There is almost certainly more than just one issue there, but maybe you know some of her bigger ones.

As far as your and your son’s “right now” is concerned, I have these suggestions:

1) Do not demand anything from your wife.  If she does not prepare decent meals at appropriate times, either do that yourself or take your son to Grandma’s (or wherever else besides “junk food”) for dinner.  If she does not do the laundry or clean around the house, either do that with your son or send the laundry out and have a cleaning service come in once a week.  In other words, just leave her alone as far as her wife-and-mother responsibilities are concerned, and continue “living life” with your son just as you might if she was not there at all.

2) Treat your wife with the same kindness, respect and consideration you would show if she was laying with cancer on her deathbed.  Quietly offer her a plate of food if she has not eaten in a while and silently clean up the mess if she throws it back at you.  And if/when your son asks anything about his mommy’s odd behaviour, just quietly let him know she is not well at the moment and that you and he are trying to be as helpful to her as you can.  And if he asks you what is wrong with her, just tell him you are not really sure right now ... but that you do believe your praying for her together might be helpful.

3) As embarrassing or difficult as this might be, explain your overall situation (and these suggestions) to one or two close friends – and even couples – or non-combative (toward your wife) family members, and occasionally invite one or two over for popcorn and a movie (or whatever else as long as your son is involved).  Let them know in advance that you will not be offended at all if they might become uncomfortable and leave early, and do not press your wife to come socialize with everyone else.

4) Do not allow your wife to put either you or your son or your house or car or bank account or whatever else in any kind of “harm’s way”.  She might be a great driver even when drunk – I did fairly well – but dump a box of nails at the end of her side of the driveway if necessary.

Those suggestions are certainly not solutions for anything, and you might have to modify them somewhat to fit your actual situation.  However, and along with hopefully helping you “manage things” for a while, those kinds of actions on your part just might also help get your wife’s attention.  And if she asks what in the world you are doing, well, let me know how you answer her, okay?!

Either here or by e-mail (your choice), hoping to hear from you again soon ...

Joe
leejosepho@hotmail.com


Answer -
Greetings once again, Art.

First, and for whatever this might be worth to you, the things you have shared about your wife and her drinking are all found in this commented excerpt from “The Doctor’s Opinion” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“[Alcoholics] drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.  To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.”

Comment: In other words, drinking is the only reliable “coping mechanism” your wife knows, and even though she might understand that her drinking does disturb you and cause problems all around, she nevertheless would, if she could, probably say something like this: “Oh, but you just do not understand – I would die if I could not drink!”  Ultimately, and even if she might actually hate this fact, alcohol *seems* to your wife what insulin actually is for the diabetic: vital, as in “necessary for life.”

Continuing on:

“They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks ...”

Comment: Where alcohol gives at least some people an uneasy, out-of-control feeling, for your wife it is more like “instant magic”, or “lighting the magic candle.”

Once again, and again continuing on:

“... restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity.”

Comment: Because she *must* drink to feel a bit of “southern comfort”, pardon the pun, but because those just-one-or-two-should-do nevertheless always lead to too many, your wife’s overall emotional and psychological dilemmas are aggravated by the fact that, at least in her own mind, she is the only person in the world with her particular dilemma.  She cannot live without it and she cannot live with it and she, maddeningly, does not know anyone else with that kind of problem.

Reading on:

“After they have succumbed to the desire again [for just one or two], as so many do, and the [physical] phenomenon of [one-drink-takes-another] craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.  This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his [or her] recovery” (end of excerpt).

And by “entire psychic change” we mean this:

“To get over drinking will require a [spiritual] transformation of thought and attitude.”

Now concerning so-called “denial”:

Often for the alcoholic and as I believe for your wife, “denial” is actually another coping mechanism used for the self-preservation of one’s own sanity.  In other words, your wife likely knows there is something terribly wrong in her life or even within herself, yet she fears that her inability to figure out what that is would possibly “drive her insane”, so to speak, if she was to spend very much time at all really thinking about it.  And so, her *actions* (possibly ranging from complete silence to loud and angry outbursts) in front of others whenever that kind of thing comes up merely *appear to be* denial of something she quite simply cannot dare/bear to face.

All of the above is fairly academic, and now we come to the difficult part:

What can be done?

You have written:

>> I still love her.
>> I want to stay together, and keep my family as one unit.
>> But, I refuse to be a pushover ... getting tired..

Question: Do you want, and/or are you willing (with some specific help from me, and for free, of course) to be directly involved in trying to help your wife, or are you looking for a “send her out for repair” suggestion?  Personally, and while knowing what I do and willing to explain, I never recommend sending anyone into any so-called “mental health system” or today’s AA, but many people would quickly recommend those kinds of things to you.

Again: Do you want, and/or are you willing to be directly involved in trying to help your wife?

If so, please let me know, and to move things along a little more easily than as through writing, you are welcomed to call if you like: 574-293-3344 (GMT –05:00 eastern DST).

Peace to you ...

Joe
leejosepho@hotmail.com

Answer
Greetings again, Art, and I thank you for bearing with me as I try to think many things through “on the go”.  Of all the alcoholics' husbands and wives I have ever tried to help, you are the first to not just go silent in the absence of some quick-and-easy solution, and along with that, and while working a bit “in the blind”, so to speak, I am trying to discern and convey in writing something I normally do “on the fly”, as such, and while actually face-to-face.  In the end, however, our respective determination and patience will have helped make possible your very best opportunity to try to help your wife get over her drinking and become whole.

Daring not to guess too much, I have some more questions ...

Question: What is your wife’s day-to-day and/or overall physical condition?

If she is intoxicated most of the time, and especially if she has been that way for quite some time, she may be in need of medical attention for detoxification.

Question: Do you and your wife have any recent history of solving any problem(s) together?

I am not looking for details here – I am only wondering whether she is at all already and/or still accustomed to the two of you working together on anything.

Question: Are you able to see your wife as an ill person having no control over the symptoms of her deadly illness, dilemma, condition or whatever you might call her alcoholism, or do we need to get you past viewing alcoholism as a moral issue?

There is certainly nothing wrong with you saying your wife’s drinking must end, or else, but along the way, she must not be criticized, mocked, ridiculed or condemned for having her alcoholic malady in the first place.

Question: Is there any mutual friend or family member of yours and your wife’s that your wife would trust as a mutual confidant, and who would be willing to be in any way involved here?

The involvement of such a person is optional, but it could be prudent to have one at least “standing by”, if possible.

Question: Do you believe it might take an actual ultimatum to get your wife’s attention?

One of my thoughts here is to suggest that you might quietly, without telling her what you are doing, simply begin trying to help your wife overcome her “issues” of whatever kind ... thus helping her to find relief from her “need to drink” in the first place.  At some point she would want to know what you are doing and why, of course, and we would deal with that at that particular time.

Question: Now knowing a little more about all of this, are you beginning to form an approach in your own mind?  For several days I have been pondering whether I could/should/might try to help you write some kind of “script” to at least get you started, but I have since become more inclined to instead try to help you troubleshoot and fine-tune one of your own.

Until next time ...

Joe
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