Expert: Rebos - 4/24/2004

Question
my god. she drinks 1-2liters of wine every night...and it just greases her aggression and rude comments, etc,etc. my pleas and suggestions to stop or get help fall on deaf ears. my friends say i should leave but there are too many benefits being with her. what can i do? any clever suggestions to out-smart this nasty behavior? thanks!


Answer
Good Afternoon Mike:

Thank you for your question. I will do my best to give you a satisfactory answer.

In case you are not aware of it, alcoholism is as terminal a disease as is cancer and unfortunately there are no “clever” answers or suggestions for its cure.

If you really want to get involved in helping, the best advice that I can give you is to start attending Alanon meetings. If you don't already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don't know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “your” unmanageable life as a result of your wife's alcoholism. You will quickly be relieved to know that there is hope for you, (as others have) whom you will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to helping you with your wife's drinking you may (if you choose) also make many long lasting friendships. At the meetings you will learn how to “say what you mean… mean what you say and… not be mean when you say it”. You will learn how to emotionally detach from your wife's alcoholism… with love. You will also learn how to live “guilt free” when you find that you are not the problem but the victim. You will also learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that she has over your life. Alanon is intended to help you, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help your wife you must first learn to help yourself. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone (friends, family, and employers etc) who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your wife's drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts to help will be a waste of time. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you choose not to go to Alanon the least you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that is uncontrollable.

It is believed by many in the field of alcoholism that it is a three-fold illness…mental, physical and spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness refers to the alcoholic's mental obsession to drink. If you will, the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. In so many words, thinking about the drink in between the drinks. The alcoholic never seems to worry about the drink in front of them, but they think of the next one. The “physical” aspect of the disease is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of the alcoholic's values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as the drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends. A determining factor of alcoholism is that it makes no difference… how much a person drinks, where they drink it, what they drink or who even who they drink it with, the key is; what does it do to them when they drink? If drinking causes problems then it is a problem!

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn't very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” with 0.5% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor's prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping drinking. A bottom can be likened to going down on an elevator. The alcoholic can get of at any floor they want to. There is no need to go all the way to the bottom floor. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! There is hope, for there are many “high bottom” alcoholics that have stopped drinking and stayed stopped. On the other hand, even when a person is in a recovery program and has stayed sober for an extremely long period of time there is little guarantee that they can stay sober unless they remain vigilant and continue with their recovery on a one day at a time basis. There can be no let up, not even for a moment!

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. The enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic's unacceptable behavior. Making “excuses” for the alcoholic has to be stopped in order for the alcoholic to pay the price for drinking. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time the enabler gets the alcoholic out of a jam, lends money, or in any way allows the person to get away with being irresponsible, they are really buying the alcoholic their next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don't really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have victims and they will take hostages as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling will not only destroy the alcoholic, but also their family and friends.

Until your wife “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing her problems there is little you can do for her. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters “admit” that they are having a problem with drinking, but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening, begging and even putting her away against her will, will not get her to stop doing what she has not made up her own mind to do. Don't think that she does not want to stop drinking… she can't stop when left to her own devices. Also, don't be lulled into thinking that an alcoholic will stop drinking just because they say that they will. It's not that they purposely lie to you… but they will lie to themselves because down deep they are afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic's choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. If an alcoholic does nothing about stopping then they are destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution. To be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female alcoholic is much worse because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk faces. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. However, it is sometimes dangerous for an alcoholic to stop drinking on their own without proper medical supervision. Withdrawal from alcohol can be very difficult and sometimes physically dangerous.

She's “gottawanna” stop drinking in order for anything to work! She may need professional help at a detoxification clinic, where the process of withdrawal is closely monitored 24 hours a day until the danger of seizures or heart attack pass. After a detoxification period and some in house counseling at the detox, or even a long-term halfway house may be what she will need. Eventually it would be wise for her to enter some type of recovery program, like Alcoholics Anonymous. They will welcome her with open arms. In AA “if she is really serious” about staying stopped they can help. She will stay sober for only as long as she wants to. I guarantee that if she wants to stay stopped and change her for the better, AA will help. Sobriety is not a one shot deal it is a lifetime proposition of hard work, persistence, discipline and achieving some level of humility. It won't be easy for her but it will be worth it. AA works for those who want it to work. Your wife is not unique many others who have been given up on have gotten sober and have led full and productive lives. Unfortunately recovery programs and sobriety is not for people who need it, but for people who want it.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain is directly related to your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It is natural for you to want to retreat into yourself. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Alanon) to help you through it. When we allow others to help it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

Below I have included a listing of actions that are recommended by the US Government as to what they recommend. Read them over, there are some good ideas in it.

Trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact.

Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists and the US Government recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

**Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

**Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

**Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

**State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

**Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

**Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

**Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

**Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your wife on the shoulder and make her “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until your wife gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Alanon and seriously consider the list of information above. Hate the disease not the patient. But don't be afraid to hurt her feelings by letting her know the TRUTH about how you feel about her drinking. When you do talk to her “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don't be mean when you say it”! Don't ever make any threats to her that you are not 100% willing to carry through with.

If there is anything further that I can do for you please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you, Rebos.

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