Expert: Rebos - 11/13/2006

Question

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The text above is a follow-up to ...

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I am 52 with 2 children living at home aged 10 and 12 my husband is 8 years younger than me and over the past year his drinking habit has become frequent. Now when he gets drunk he gets aggressive and blames me for all kinds of things and he seems to get drunk alot quicker than he used to. I dont know him anymore how do i tell if he is an alcoholic?
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Good morning Maria:

Thank you for your question.

Below you will find 12 questions that can be used to determine if your husband may be having a drinking problem. They must be answered truthfully in order for them to be meaningful. The questions are normally directed to the drinker, but if you think you know what your husband’s drinking pattern is you may find them interesting. But remember, your husband is the only one who can make the decision as to him being an alcoholic or not… enough to want to do anything about it!

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

IF YOUR HUSBAND WERE TO ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then he is probably in trouble with alcohol.

I would be pleased to answer any follow up questions that you may have resulting from my answer to you. Thank you Rebos


Thankyou so much for your swift reply.
I can definatly answer yes to 7 of the questions asked i am also now looking into co-dependency because i seem to fit that aswell. My Husband claims he will slow down on his drinking but he has said that in the past and it lasts about 2 days. His work place also always has beer in the fridge and he has a couple before he leaves work which sets the pattern for the rest of the evening. His drinking is now not only affecting me and our relationship but also the children. I know he has to admit he has a problem. So my next question is Where do i go from here?


Answer
Good morning again Maria:

Thank you for your follow-up question.

It doesn’t matter how much your husband drinks, what he drinks, who he drinks it with or where he drinks it. What matters is; what does it do to him when he drinks it? For sure it is causing you problems, and if drinking causes problems…then it is a problem! If you want him to stop and he does not, then your husband definitely has a drinking problem, and if he does nothing about it you can plan on a lifetime of misery and unhappiness. Alcoholism never gets better on its own…it always gets worse.

I’m sorry to tell you that you are totally powerless over your husband’s drinking, if he does not have a desire to stop drinking. With that being said…For your well being I would recommend that you go to Alanon rather than starting off with your recovery instead of “looking into” co-dependancy. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information and knowledge of the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. As you will find out Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for any of his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do! Social drinkers don’t have to hide their bottles, lie about their drinking, or find excuses to continue drinking.

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! So to speak…“once you turn a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” I’m sure that you have heard that saying before. It has been my experience to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul. No one can scare an alcoholic into stop drinking. All the cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. Unless your husband goes to a program like Alcoholics Anonymous he is destined to die from one of the many complications of drinking alcoholically, get involved negatively with the law, or end up in a mental institution plus destroy you in the process. Counseling may be good for him (if you can get him there) but what he needs is a support group like AA so that he can identify with other alcoholics.

It is generally believed in AA (which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink...thinking about the drink in between the drinks…a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease; the AMA says it is. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before an alcoholic must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs).
Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that an alcoholic is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your husband. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic. And, by the way there is Alateen for your children who must also gain some insight to the illness. If you and your children go to your respective programs it may shame your husband to doing something about him getting help. Alateen is sponsored by Alanon.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If you allow your husband to continue drinking, without making him pay the consequences then (again I say) you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and possibly abusive life. Whatever you do, NEVER MAKE ANY THREATS TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO FOLLOW THRU ON.
I don’t know if I have helped you with my answer. Whether or not your family stays intact I would recommend strongly that you go to Alanon. It may eventually help him to do something for himself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Whatever you decide give it a chance to work. If you decide to go to AlAnon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work!

In closing, I hope that you do not disregard my suggestion for you to attend Alanon meetings. If I can be of further help feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos