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Addiction to Alcohol/my x left me 2 weeks into recovery

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Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 6/14/2007


Question
Hello, I am so lost. Back in April my x went to rehab after me telling a judge to put him there instead of jail. In Feb I was fired from my job and we were forced to move out of our townhouse. In the process of all of this he was on the waiting list to attend rehab and drank worst than ever in the 4 years we were together. We managed to stay together and live off of my unemployment until the end of March when we moved out and he went to rehab. I did not hear from him for 2 weeks. Then I got a call from him saying that he no longer wanted to be with me and that he did not love me and that he only loved me as a person. He said that he just wanted to be "friends" this was 2 months ago. I now feel like I am going crazy. After 4 years of being with this man who lived off of me did not work due to his "injured" back how can he tell me that he dosen't love me? I should have left him 100 times. My question to you is this, how could a rehab center teach you that your spouse a non-drinker (me) triggered your drinking and that you need to "cut all ties" with that person? (me) Why does this man feel like we can be friends? Since he has been out of rehab for the last month we have seen eachother 3 times and he is so distant and can not look me in my eyes. He lies about all kinds of dumb shit, like where he is living and working. He says he dosen't trust me. I never did anything wrong to this man but enable him just like his family and friends did. How coud he do this to me? I am so hurt. I have looked every where for answers. My therapist is worried that he may be getting ready to drink again because he had no contact with me while in rehab and the first month out until recently. Now he calls when he wants to and answers once in a while when I call him. He is constantly in a bad mood and acts like his life is such a secret. I know I should detach, and I tried Al-anon, but at this point I think it's a bunch of bull-shit that I was affected by this man's drinking. Please help me understand why he has turned his back on me after we made so many plans before he went to rehab. I'm so hurt and I love him I'm just not ready to let go. Please HELP ME~~Lena

Answer
Greetings to you, Lena.

Of all the letters I get from people, especially women, either involved with or related or married to alcoholics, ones like yours are the most grievous.  The answers for some of your questions are far from consoling, but they certainly can  help lead to the kinds of changes that are ultimately invaluable.

You have written:

>> Back in April my x went to rehab after me telling a judge to put him there instead of jail ... he was on the waiting list to attend rehab and drank worst than ever in the 4 years we were together.

Having his or her own built-in “self-destruct” mechanism well in place, an alcoholic very seldom needs anyone to do much of anything at all to make his or her life sufficiently miserable in order for some real help to eventually begin to sound good.  At the same time, doing almost anything at all to make his or her life “easier”, even for one’s own sake, and/or to reduce his or her pain usually only lengthens the “getting ready for help” process.  Jail would not have cured your “X”, but that is where he needed to go.

>> ... he went to rehab ...
>> I now feel like I am going crazy. After 4 years of being with this man who lived off of me did not work due to his "injured" back how can he tell me that he doesn’t love me?

A complete answer to that kind of question can be complex, but at least part of it is that he believes his (alleged?) disability justifies his use and abuse of others.

>> My question to you is this, how could a rehab center teach you that your spouse a non-drinker (me) triggered your drinking and that you need to "cut all ties" with that person?

That is part of the overall sickness pervading the so-called “treatment system”.  The base philosophy behind that kind of thinking is that people are inherently good and will ultimately do good things if given unchallenged opportunities to simply “do as they feel” and/or to eventually prove themselves.

>> Why does this man feel like we can be friends?

That is probably something only told to him and not his own thought.

>> Since he has been out of rehab ... he is so distant and cannot look me in my eyes.

Not a single one of his internal issues has been addressed.  Hence, he is like a young boy now trying to be “good” without even knowing what he had ever done wrong.

>> I think it's a bunch of bull-shit that I was affected by this man's drinking.

We agree ... and have you ever wondered how/why you got tangled there in the first place?

>> Please help me understand why he has turned his back on me after we made so many plans before he went to rehab.

He might have actually been hoping/expecting the rehab experience would have a magic-wand impact on his life, but now he finds himself right back in harsh reality with no more coping skills than he head before he went.

>> I'm so hurt and I love him I'm just not ready to let go. Please HELP ME

Ask him whether he truly *wants* to stop drinking and if he might be willing to let me show him how I have already permanently recovered.

Please write again,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com

Addiction to Alcohol

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Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

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