Expert: Jacqui - 10/25/2008

Question
Hi. My boyfriend and I used to inject cocaine and meth. We have been clean and sober now for almost a year. When we used, we were very sexual, so using and sex became linked with eachother.

The problem is for the first 8 or so months of our sobriety we did not even try to have sex or do anything sexual. Recently, we started trying to and noticed that every time we do anything sexual, we have really strong cravings for stimulants. First of all, the sex is just not the same without them. And secondly, it just reminds us of our old using days and makes us want to use again. I don't know if that's all of it, but that's what I've noticed.

I am starting to want to use again, whereas during the first 9 months of sobriety I had no cravings and was just grateful to be clean and sober. I am in a 12 step program, have a sponsor, have been through all the steps once, and even have a sponsee.

I don't know why all of a sudden I am having these cravings. I want to have a healthy sex life and stay sober, but it seems like the two aren't going hand & hand. I am starting to feel resentful that I "have to be" sober.

Any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hey Courtney.

Thanks for your question.  This isn't an unusual situation.  Certain situations, or "cues" can compel people to want to use again.    Firstly, I want to say that it sounds like you are doing great.  Both coke and meth are drugs that make people want to have sex, so it isn't unusual that you feel like it again.

This isn't the sort of thing that I could respond to properly over the internet.  Rather, I would suggest that you seek out some kind of counselling.  "Cue exposure" is a type of therapy, often used in people with drinking problems.  It involves exposing people to the kinds of situations where they used to use, in measured ways.  I am not an expert in this kind of therapy, but have done a search and posted a link below.

http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh23-2/107-115.pdf

Twelve step programs can be helpful, but often some more structured psychotherapy is needed as well.  I would encourage you to speak to a counsellor.  Also, when you feel like using after sex, some kind of relaxation strategies can help.  Again, I don't think that it is possible it answer this properly over the net.  However, I hope that you can find some information in the link above.  

I feel that I haven't really answered your question properly.  However, I would say that it can take a long time for people to get over their dependencies and it sounds like you are both doing great.  I must remind you that you should not punish yourself for the feelings you are having, as people sometimes do relapse, or feel like using again ... and this is quite common.  It doesn't mean that you are a failure.  In fact, from your email you sound like an educated and intelligent woman.  You may be able to "re-cue" your sex life by associating sex with other enjoyable activities ... such as using fantasy, or having sexual contact in different, exciting situations - making sex special, using massage or dress ups.

Stay safe, and I hope that you end up achieving what you want.  If there is any more information I can provide, please let me know.

Jacqui