Expert: Crystal - 12/16/2008

Question
I had recently threw my 18 year old son out of our home for being terribly disrespectful to my wife and I. We entered him into a major University in our state, and within a few months, he was failing dismally in all his classes, his attitude had changed drastically, and he became boldly disrespectful. Thus, I physically "escorted" him out of my home.
About an hour or so later, I searched through his room since I had suspicions of him using drugs, and found several baggies, and utensils that I believe contained some form of powdered substance...that he had apparently been using in our home without our knowledge.
We were shocked to say the least.
My son owns his own car, but has no job, and apparently went to stay with some of his new found "shady" friends.
We do not know who they are, or who has supplied him with these drugs. And we have yet to see him in order to confront him about it.
I am angry, saddened, and disgusted over this situation. My wife is not taking it well... We have contacted the police and filed a missing person's report by giving his personal, and vehicle information, and we are positive he is staying within city limits with someone.
We are also totally at a loss on what to do.
If he returns...should we allow him to stay under our roof and possibly secretly restart or continue his drug use behind our backs?
He is a habitual liar as of late.
We have even taken precautions to change our door security code and install a state of the art alarm system in our home since he left.
We want to help him badly...and of course we love him...
but I do not allow blatant disrespect or drug use in my home.
Was I right to do what I did? What if he gets hurt out there all by himself? We are mad at him, yet worried...
We just don't know where or how to go about it.
And of course...
its pretty depressing, as we had very high hopes for him.
suggestions?

Answer
Harry,

I understand that this is a huge shock to both of you and that you are probably feeling pretty hurt right now and that is understandable. As parents we want to believe that we have done what is best for our children and that we have provided them with the tools to stand up for themselves and say no to drugs and other dangerous things. The truth however is that we do the best we can and we stand by them no matter what comes their way and hope for the best. That being said,I wouldn't allow him to stay at your house if he is going to continue use drugs. I would however offer to be there for him and approach it in a non-threatening manner and let him know that you are there for him but he needs to do his part by being a man and being honest about where he is in his use right now. He needs to be willing to accept the help and do whatever it takes to be sober. Ask him what you can do to help but don't enable him to continue to use or to disrespect you and your wife. Use strong clear boundaries.