Expert: Jacqui - 12/15/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi There:

I saw your e-mail response to another person and it really hit home for me......I have a son who was a sweet little boy however always socially ackward and different but once he turned about 14 he started to do the things that kids normally do...experment with drugs alcohol, theft, disrespect, you  name it....I have tried to get him help various times in the past 6 years...finally I have had it and kicked him out and said all kinds of hurtful and mean things to him.....I am not proud of it...but he is ruining my life and I want him gone............  I am sick of providing a place for the waste of life that he is choosing...and I don't think he is a hard core addict I think he uses drugs because he doesn't know what else to do with himself.....I don't really care what he does as long as I am not the one financially supporting him...

Hi isn't even respectful to us in the home or acts like he wants to be part of the family.....

I am just struggling with what else I could have done.....he is 21 years old and has limb-girdle disability, refuses to get help or social security and thinks he should just prowl all night run drug deals from our house and sleep all day while me and his dad go to work...he leaves dirty clothing dishes all over the house sucks up all the free internet, tv, and food and treats us like shit.....I don't want to hear from him again right now...and he uses that guilt I have to take advantage time and time again....what kind of mother am i to have such hate and all for my own flesh and blood.....????  

I myself and depressed and want to escape from it all for years over this...I am in war mode right now and just want to fight back and take back my sense of peace and my home....   God help me but I have very bad thoughts about him just being gone from this world....I am very very hurt....he has been a liar and a wheeler and dealer from early early one.....he lies with every breath he takes....

Please help me out by letting me know what other parents have done how it has turned out...

My guess is that he will be this way until he is either in prison, dead on the street, or drifting thru life homeless.....I have tried to reconcile this in my mind and let it go because I don't know what more I could do to help him with out draggin myself and the rest of the family down....

ANSWER: Hi Lorraine,

I actually get the feeling that you won't like what I have to say.  I am the kind of person that doesn't believe that drugs should be illegal, and because they are, people become more marginalised, tormented, more like to commit crime, etc.  There is quite a movement that says that alcohol prohibition didn't work, so why does prohibition against other drugs.  With this in mind, here is my answer ...

I believe that you are really suffering and from what you have said, your son is struggling with many difficulties.  Many people use drugs, in fact about 30 per cent of american adults have used something - (http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/publications/factsht/druguse/)  
but they don't all have problems with their family.  I also believe that people aren't like what you have described for no reason.  You have said he has a disability, which means that he has probably been marginalised during his life.  It doesn't provide an excuse for bad behaviour, but it does provide an explanation.  I guess I just need you to think of this .... of all the terrible sad people who are homeless and destitute on the streets, how many of them could say they had a loving family who was there for them?  Probably very few.  What I mean is that you need to make a decision - whether to support him or not.  

My issue is that you should judge him on his behaviour, not the drug use.  However, because drugs are so illegal and judged negatively, it isn't just difficult for the person with a drug problem, but also difficult for the family.  I am also a strong believer in family therapy for problems like this.  Family therapy is a systems based type of counselling - it isn't just 'group counselling' but rather looks at how people interact with each other in the family setting.  Ultimately you need to make your own decision, but I believe that sitting down with a family therapist, with your son if he will go, and your partner and other children, could offer you the better background to make an informed decision.  

Lorraine, what I worry about is this - you are very distressed and the situation is extraordinarily unpleasant, however, the link between mother and child is so strong and if it is severed, you will not be unaffected.  Similarly, there may be huge repercussions if you do keep supporting your son, but I really, honestly believe that if you cut him off all together now, without having some kind of treatment, you are likely to suffer the guilt for a long time.  I can only imagine the pain of a child with a disability dying, and a mother feeling the agony of guilt and 'what could've been'.  

I would really like to help you more by trying to find a service that could assist you in your local area.  You may not like what I have to say, but I just think it is worth a try.  Then at least, if it all still falls apart, you can feel some comfort that you gave your best.  As I said before, people don't act like your son for no reasons.  I know a lot of people who use drugs and most of them don't disrespect their parents and do what your son is doing.  

If you would like to tell me where you are (I am in Australia, so don't assume I will know where every little US town is - I will need town, state and country), I can look through some of my networks and try to find some kind of support service that is local to you.

Lorraine, I honestly wish you all the best.  You are obviously at your wits end, but I really feel you just need someone to help you through this traumatic time.

Take care and let me know where you are!

Jacqui

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your response..I already put him out and haven't heard from him since Friday..yes it is hard to live with the guilt and I cannot even imagine or think what a mess I will be in if the worst happens and he suffers illness or even death...however....as I think about it I know in my heart of hearts that I provided love, opportunity, and support for him for 21 years. So....I will just have to take my chances....I wouldn't wish homelessness, lonliness, hungar, or lack of shelter on anybody not even a stranger much less my own son...I think there are a log of mentally unstable people out there and they are falling thru the cracks and there really is not solution.... I failed to mention that we have tried numerous couseling and community services that most people suggest or recommend....he would not cooperate...he has been evaluated by the health professionals and it states that couseling would be beneficial for him but they feel it would be a waste of time for everyone until he wants to get with the program and really wants the help....I have begged him to go to lots of different programs here in Rochester, Minnesota...SEMCIL, MN Work/school program up in st paul would have been perfect....now he probabably cannot go because he has a theft charge from KMART where he worked for 3 days and stole 160.00 and a candy bar...his decision making is extremely poor....went to the social services that was infuriating for me and him...it just seems nobody wants to help...and I seriously am not equipped to have him live with me the rest of my life and continue being the way he is...or for that matter even if he was totally straightend out I want my own place and my kids to have their own place....I don't think that is expecting too much out of life.  If he had his own place I don't care if he sits around and does drugs because he would be supporting himself and living in his own mess..and i wouldn't have to worry about all the people hanging around my place. I could visit him once in awhile and make sure he had food...  My husband and I are not strict parents....we have allowed the kids to make their fair share of mistakes and have been there to bail them out and we don't constantly bring the past up....

I believe my son is depressed...although he states he is not....When we tried to counseling route...I had them prescribe him zolft and he took three pills and refused to go to further treatment...

Addicts do like to manipulate and play on peoples guilt....i see so many families enabling this behavior out of love for the person involved.  

Even though we obviously have various different opinions....i think we can find common ground on a lot of issues...I have often thought if they legalize drugs it would certainly eliminate a lot of crime involved and with that perhaps power that bad people have over this whole industry of illegal drugs....there are many people that can use them like they do alcohol and hold down jobs and maintain a somewhat decent lifestyle....I do feel though that if you are escaping to drugs you are avoiding a problem...people drink for the same reasons...or eat...or engage in other addictive behaviors... I get it...and nobody is without their own demons inside....so everybody finds their own way to cope and deal...

I also think my son has a severe personality disorder because I cannot just catagorize him in a tidy little box of disabled so that is why he is like he is...

and he has been lying his ass of since I can recall the age of 5 and for no reason whatsoever...we are all big communicators in the family but not him.....he just wants to sit up in his room and do nothing...it was like he was always an outcast...

I have to live with my decision now....I am wanting to post this so that if there is anybody else out there suffering they may find something useful here....or at least know that they are not alone and we will all go down and thru different paths.  Thank you for providing this forum and it is apparent you are wanting to help people or you wouldn't bother.  Although you do not believe in God...I do---- so I will continue to pray about all this because prayer and my God have gotten me thru darker days.

Answer
Lorraine,

I am glad you got back to you.  Yes, we do agree on a lot of things, and now that I know that you have made a lot of effort, then my answer is more aligned with what you have chosen to do.  One more thing though ... perhaps it is now time for you to have some counselling for yourself.  You don't have to be responsible for managing his life, but I think it is always helpful to have someone work through your own issues and any grief that you have over your decision.

As you said, a personality disorder is quite likely.  There are different types and some seem to come from a combination of nature and nuture.  If you were 'predisosed' to having a personality disorder and then had a physical disability as well, then perhaps feeling distanced from your school friends could contribute to the disorder developing.  

As I said before, you are clearly a very strong woman.  I wish you all the best, and if there is anything else I can do, please let me know.

Sincerely,

Jacqui