Expert: Caroline West - 12/4/2008

Question
Hi,
I will be married 5 years in February. I married one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I had a son from a previous relationship (he was 2 at the time of my marriage.) My husband adopted him to be his own. Things were great. Of course we had our stupid fights and silly disagreements but everything was still wonderful.

A year after we were married my husband was in a severe car accident. He does not have the option for surgery for these injuries. He was in horrific pain. Pain management was suggested for him. Long story short currently he is on Fentanyl patches 100mcg he changes every 2 days and he has Percocets 10/325 for breakthrough pain. He has always worked, he is a helper around the house, great to me and our son. I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS!

Over time the sex started to diminish. We are very honest and open people. We would discuss what was wrong and he told me he has no more sex drive which I know is normal, he also told me it feels numb, he doesn't have the feelings he use to have. It really sucks and we live with it.

BUT...

two weeks ago we started talking because for about a month or two I noticed a change, kind of a quiet mood, not as affectionate, kind of distant. He was always a toucher, just rub my leg when walking by, lean to give me a kiss when making dinner...that kind of stuff. Well it was gone and I was feeling it.

Bringing this up to him was a slap in the face for me. He told me that he is having problems, that numb feeling has come over him completely. Exact words, I feel like a empty shell, I have no feelings for anyone or anything, I am emotionless. I feel cold hearted because I am disconnected from everything I use to like. This included me, he said he can't say he doesn't love me anymore, but he can say he doesn't feel love for me. He doesn't feel it for ANYTHING! Then he said it, he wants a divorce.

Needless to say I was shocked, devastated and beyond emotional. He was sad and sorry and comforting all at the same time. He is someone to never hurt me intentionally and honestly I believe the "divorce" was something in his head to do for me, he doesn't think I deserve this, he wants me to be happy, he doesn't want me to "need" to find someone else....but still he said it DIVORCE and "he doesn't feel love for me".

Now..he goes to his pain management doctor the same week we had this horrible conversation. The doctor says he is not surprised he is feeling numb and emotionless. He gives him two other options for pain medicine and getting off the Duragesic patches....but they are opiates too?

My husband is still here. He told me he wants to try he doesn't want to give up without fighting. He is trying to be like he use too.(that is the problem he has to "try" to be who he was) We laugh and joke and have good times like before. However, I can't get this out of my mind. Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is he here just because of me and our son? Is he sucking up the "no feelings" for our sake, in 2 months is this going to come up again?

I don't really even know what I am asking you. I need some type of help to understand this emotionless feeling. I have looked on the Internet and I have found it under addiction they state " fentanyl replaces the natural pleasures in your body and you can't get "satisfaction" from normal things that you use too, they diminish sharply or become desensitized completely"

I don't feel like I have a "normal" situation. He isn't a drug addict by choice, he isn't cheating and wants to leave. This situation is very hard for an 'outsider" to understand, and when I say outsider, I mean outside of the "druggie" world. I have a heroin addicted brother who understands my husband completely but he would, both drugs are opiates!! I don't know where to go or who to talk to that could help.
I don't really know what to do or where to go from here? Keep playing house until I am told again it isn't working?
Any thoughts please?
Thank you.


Answer
Hello Nicole, There is a lot to get through here regarding your query and I will answer you with the upmost of truth and honesty. First of all I am sorry for what you are going through. As your husbands accident cannot be treated with surgery and he is in so much pain,unfortunately he has to take pain killers which most are Opiate based. I just want to make it clear that even though he and your brother take opiates,the lifestyles of both men are very different even though they are taking the same based drug.

Opiate's do numb the taker,physically and emotionally thats why he appears distant to you and has difficulty feeling when having sex.There is no easy answer to this.One thing I do want you to try is to type in 'PAIN MANAGEMENT' into your search engine and there should be some sites listed that can offer further advice and options.

It could be worth discussing with him and the doctor that he may be suffering from depression aswell.The constant pain will no doubt in my mind make him feel low and that being out of work can too make him feel depressed.Depression,like the pain medicine,can cause exactly the same symptoms;lack of libido,numb emotionless feelings and emptiness so please look into this further.

For further help and support contact your area's Drug Support Team-your Dr should be able to give you their number.Even though they will mainly deal with Street Addicts they may still see your husband or at least refer him on to somewhere else that can help.If your husband agrees go to his appointments with him. I want you to find out your nearest Carers Support Team too because YOU need support aswell,so please do that.

I don't doubt that he loves you;he has all these uncomfortable feelings going on and probably does'nt understand them himself and I believe he is doing the best he can. You both need emotional support,he and you.This is difficult for both of you.Again ask your doctor for more support.There are places and people out there who can help and you need to keep looking and asking for it.

He is probably feeling so helpless that he cant be there for you and thats whats probably behind his rationale regarding divorce-I dont think thats what he wants but you both really need to talk to someone.Enlist some professional care,help and support to help you guys through this.

I sicerely wish you all the best.

Peace and regards, Caroline