Expert: Crystal - 12/7/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi,
I will be married 5 years in February. I married one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I had a son from a previous relationship (he was 2 at the time of my marriage.) My husband adopted him to be his own. Things were great. Of course we had our stupid fights and silly disagreements but everything was still wonderful.

A year after we were married my husband was in a severe car accident. He does not have the option for surgery for these injuries. He was in horrific pain. Pain management was suggested for him. Long story short currently he is on Fentanyl patches 100mcg he changes every 2 days and he has Percocets 10/325 for breakthrough pain. He has always worked, he is a helper around the house, great to me and our son. I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS!

Over time the sex started to diminish. We are very honest and open people. We would discuss what was wrong and he told me he has no more sex drive which I know is normal, he also told me it feels numb, he doesn't have the feelings he use to have. It really sucks and we live with it.

BUT...

two weeks ago we started talking because for about a month or two I noticed a change, kind of a quiet mood, not as affectionate, kind of distant. He was always a toucher, just rub my leg when walking by, lean to give me a kiss when making dinner...that kind of stuff. Well it was gone and I was feeling it.

Bringing this up to him was a slap in the face for me. He told me that he is having problems, that numb feeling has come over him completely. Exact words, I feel like a empty shell, I have no feelings for anyone or anything, I am emotionless. I feel cold hearted because I am disconnected from everything I use to like. This included me, he said he can't say he doesn't love me anymore, but he can say he doesn't feel love for me. He doesn't feel it for ANYTHING! Then he said it, he wants a divorce.

Needless to say I was shocked, devastated and beyond emotional. He was sad and sorry and comforting all at the same time. He is someone to never hurt me intentionally and honestly I believe the "divorce" was something in his head to do for me, he doesn't think I deserve this, he wants me to be happy, he doesn't want me to "need" to find someone else....but still he said it DIVORCE and "he doesn't feel love for me".

Now..he goes to his pain management doctor the same week we had this horrible conversation. The doctor says he is not surprised he is feeling numb and emotionless. He gives him two other options for pain medicine and getting off the Duragesic patches....but they are opiates too?

My husband is still here. He told me he wants to try he doesn't want to give up without fighting. He is trying to be like he use too.(that is the problem he has to "try" to be who he was) We laugh and joke and have good times like before. However, I can't get this out of my mind. Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is he here just because of me and our son? Is he sucking up the "no feelings" for our sake, in 2 months is this going to come up again?

I don't really even know what I am asking you. I need some type of help to understand this emotionless feeling. I have looked on the Internet and I have found it under addiction they state " fentanyl replaces the natural pleasures in your body and you can't get "satisfaction" from normal things that you use too, they diminish sharply or become desensitized completely"

I don't feel like I have a "normal" situation. He isn't a drug addict by choice, he isn't cheating and wants to leave. This situation is very hard for an 'outsider" to understand, and when I say outsider, I mean outside of the "druggie" world. I have a heroin addicted brother who understands my husband completely but he would, both drugs are opiates!! I don't know where to go or who to talk to that could help.
I don't really know what to do or where to go from here? Keep playing house until I am told again it isn't working?
Any thoughts please?
Thank you.


ANSWER: First of all, taking the medication as prescribed doesn't make him a drug addict but I would suggest the two of you talk to his doctor since this can be a side effect to the medications and maybe he needs to be on something different.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First of all, I never called him a drug addict. I called my brother a heroin addict. I said he was addicted to the Fentanly and he is. Even if he is taking the medication as prescribed. He is addicted. He would not be able to stop and just go on with his life. This is a side effect of opiates. Fentanyl is an opiate just like many many other narcotic pain relivers. His point? why detox from Fentanyl to go on another opiate and feel no different?

Answer
Nicole,

You sound extremely frustrated and upset and I can understand that but you have to talk to his doctor about the way he feels. Yes Fentanyl is an opiate and I know this but I am not quite sure why you are attacking me when I am merely trying to help you. I am not saying that you are calling him an addict and I am sorry if that is what you thought or how you took it. I hope that he can find a way to feel better and I hope the doctor has suggestions for you both.