Expert: Caroline West - 12/23/2008

Question
I just found out my boyfriend of 18 months is a heroin addict. He relapsed a few months ago after being clean for about 3 years. Before that, he had been clean for 10 years (before that, he didn't use drugs). He just went through detox and has moved in with his former sponsor, and is attending meetings about every other night. Obviously I am hurt that he lied and not thrilled at the prospect of spending my life with someone who may well relapse and take me down with him (not that I'd ever use drugs, but I am afraid another relapse could cost me legally or financially somehow). I am having trouble separating the lines and lies addicts use to convince others they are ok from the things they say when they are making real progress and on a good path to staying clean. My boyfriend is not blaming me for his relapse, he is saying he relapsed because he stopped going to meetings and stopped thinking he was an addict. He says he never told me about his addiction because he was embarrassed and afraid I would leave him, but is careful not to say that something about my personality is the reason he couldn't tell me. What he wants from me is to be supportive and talk to him about it when he needs to talk, and understand he will need to go to meetings 1-2 times a week forever. This sounds reasonable to me, but he knows me well and I am afraid he is clever enough to craft responses that will fool me.  Both his sponsor and his good friend - a recovering addict who was my boyfriend's sponsee (sp?) - have said he is different this time. He is more honest and humble.
I have no experience at all with drugs or with addicts so I am going on common sense (which I know can't be applied to an addict's behavior). Do addicts all have the same sorry song that they tell when they are still kidding themselves? Are there some behaviors or patterns that indicate a better chance at successful recovery? I guess I'm looking for buzzwords or typical promises or clues.

Answer
Kat you are so clued up! you have sussed an addict out to the letter and you have had no experience with the drug world so well good on you!

Very sorry for the late response which was due to Christmas.

Yes all addicts do have the same sorry song! They try to fool everyone around them that they are ok and they even try to fool themselves but deep down they know full well what they are doing. The lies and the deceit is very painful and an addict knows every trick in the book.

I used to be an addict so I know all this plus I lived with an addict so I can see it from both sides. My other half would lie,steal,deny the lot and the one about 'Oh its different this time,I've changed' its to be taken with a pinch of salt.

Ok I am being a little harsh and your BF has done incredibly well in being off it for 3 years but a relapse can happen at any time-it could happen to me so vigilance and complacency need to be closely monitored.

Going to meetings your talking about is a life line for many addicts and some really,really need that support and they need to be reminded that they are an addict. So if your BF stopped going to meetings and he relapsed,then going back,as he has,is the right move but he must keep attending.

Regarding the financial aspect to yourself,I understand your fears.I don't know how you both deal with your finances but if he needs money-he will get it and it could well cost you financially.Legally too if he gets in trouble with the law.

What I am concerned about is something you touched on regarding being dragged down with him. I understand this and yes it could well be a strain on you emotionally.If he needs to 'talk' and get your support,who will be there for Kat? thats what worries me because living with an addict is flipping hard work as they can be very emotionally needy. So on this one you need to figure it out for yourself whether you can cope with it.Its a hard one.

As you worked out there is a big chance he could relapse in the future-meetings or no meetings. After my experience with living with an addict there is not a chance in hell I would be with another one exactly for the reasons you outlined,but thats me.

As for clues to his being clean,you can see it in his behaviour.Its hard to explain. If he looks like crap and hes being secretive and popping out for no good reason and one minute hes down in the dumps and the next he is up and happy-they are clues hes using.(also look at his eyes-a heroin users pupils will be the size of pin heads) If his emotions are stable,not fluctuating too much,hes showing an interest in you and sex-male addicts lose their sex drive so you can get clues from that area because when he gets clean he will want a lot more.Being vague also.If he goes out and you question him where hes been and hes being vague thats a sign things ain't right.All this is generalized as I don't know your BF but you've been with him long enough to hopefully see the differences in him when hes clean and when hes not but again its a mental drain on you having to do that. so it goes back to whether you are prepared to stick with him.

I hope some of this has helped.I'm always here if you want to ask anything else.I wish you all the best.Take good care and listen to you instincts as they are sharp!

Caroline.