Expert: Jacqui - 12/21/2008

Question
My ex and I used to be THE BEST of crack buddies. We quit together and he made it ,I didn't. We separated(my idea)and 7 months later he comes knocking on my door. i had been shortly sober and seeing him again made me nervous and I went on a binge. After the binge was over I realized I missed him GREATLY. We spent a FANTASTIC night together(he is the only man I ever loved) and I have not heard from him since. I know he is afraid of coming to see me because we tend to relapse together. but I do not know WHY he ignores me after telling me  he "profoundly loves me". I know he had loved me in the past and I know I  certainly loved him,  but I thought I was totally over him. I AM NOT. I want him SO BAD. But I do not dare call him for fear that he will reject me. I am very much IN LOVE with him but my latest behavior has not shown it. now I do not know if I should pursue it, forget it and is it even a sane relationship????? Help give me insight on this VERY complicated matter of love and dope.

Answer
Hi Natasha,

Drug dependency within a relationship is very complex (I am assuming you were dependent on crack, not just an occasional user which would be quite different).  One of the main issues is that of 'cues' to using, and that people can actually serve as these cues - ie: when you see 'so and so' it reminds you of using and you want to do it again.  Any cue can be hard to get over, but not impossible.  The complexity involved when a person is a cue is that they have their own feelings and their own dependency issues.

As you realise with your own feelings, your ex is probably coping with the same issues.  From what you have told me he is probably going through the very same thing.  

One thing to consider is that one binge does not make a relapse, and the fact that you binged alone and because you were 'nervous' means that there are probably other issues at play for you, such as using to self medicate anxiety.  Has this been an issue before?  If so, stopping crack won't cure the anxiety that you were covering up and it might be helpful to seek psychological help.  

As far as the relationship goes, if you are worried about calling your ex, perhaps you could consider writing him a letter and telling him how you feel.  If you do start spending time together again, and don't want to use, you will need to ensure that you occupy yourself with other activities and avoid places and people you used to use with.  

If, I guess the worse case scenario, he does not want to get back together with you, then you will need to move on.  I know that it a lot easier said than done, and it won't happen quickly.  However, you have gone through a lot in quitting your drug use, and if you can do that, you can probably get over a relationship as well, even though it is incredibly special to you.

Natasha, I hope that things work out for you.  If there is anything else I can help with, please let me know.

Take care and whatever you do, do it safely,

Jacqui