Expert: Caroline West - 12/6/2008

Question
I am in a relationship for the past 2 yrs on an off with a herion addict. Has been in 2 rehabs since we hav been together. My suspicions are that he is back on the drug. Dont see any needle marks any were visable tho. His actions are tellling me otherwise.I am trying to look for signs of drug use, in the past when my doubt was there i made him take a urine test infront of me, he passed for opiates, but not oxcotin.He said that drug is to expensive for him to do.Over the past 6 months i see his personality change back to the beginning of our relationship when i new there was something about him, thought he was anacoholic, but to find out he was a herion addict was devasated.. He has a 20 yr addiction to this drug...Recently i notice when he goes to the bath room i try to listen, dont hear him urinating, but he flushes the tiolet 2 times, an always puts the water on... Please help me an tell me what to look for... My intution tells me hes back on the stuff. We dont hav a intimate relationship because i dont want to put my life at risk.. I can alot for him but feel i cant live with his addiction for the rest of my life.

Answer
Hi Debbie, I just want you to know that I will be 100% truthful and honest with in this answer to your question as you deserve that respect. My answer may not be what you want to hear but as I said It will be an honest one.

I've been on both sides of the fence:having been an addict and also having lived with an addict.

I understand in your relationship it is your partner that is an addict-20 years of using will take a long while of undoing,so it won't be an easy road.

For most Rehab is a great place to be in and many get clean while they are in there but it's when they get out that a very large percent relapse.It could take several stints in Rehab before they,including your partner finally gets clean and remains clean. Thats the hardest bit-staying off the drink and drugs.

From your boyfriends behavior--staying in the toilet,flushing a lot and leaving the tap running,this is typical addict behavior-I've done it and my ex had done it. Its the creating noise that he hopes you cant hear what hes doing, which is preparing his hit.You may not see any track marks on his arms but there are plenty of other places to get a vein and him being 'in the game' for so long will know exactly where those places are.In a nutshell-by now he will know all the tricks of the trade and thats the sad truth.

You are absolutely right not to be intimate with him until he gets checked out to see if he has Hepatitis C and Hep B. Hep C is the number 1 virus amongst intravenous drug users and cannot be cured,only managed with drugs but ultimately it leads to death. I highly advise you to not be intimate until he is checked out.but if you really must,which I seriously DO NOT recommend,make him wear a condom.Even kissing you are at risk.I'm not saying he has it but there is a high chance he may.

As for what signs to look out for to see if he is using or not-the toilet incident for me is enough to know what he's up to but for some other signs look out for him going into another room with his mobile/cell phone,popping out unexpectantly and being vague about where he's going, having bouts of 'Flu' and 'colds' which,if often,are signs he is in withdrawal. Check your money to make sure none is missing.Watch his moods change before he goes into the toilet
and when he comes out-is there a difference.And the MAIN tell-tale sign is his eyes:This only applies to Heroin and strong Opiates-The pupils become ever so tiny,the size of a pin head and in addict speak its referred to as 'Pinned Eyes'-That is a good way to get verification that hes been using.

I gave my boyfriend who I loved dearly an ultimation-either come with me and we will get off drugs together or if you are not prepared to get clean we have to finish.The outcome was we split up. I know he loved me but the power of drugs is more than any love in the world and Debbie hun,your man has to be ready within himself to get clean and no amount of crying,shouting,pleading will make any difference until HE is ready.

I want you to get some support for yourself.There are counselors and groups especially for partners of drug/alcohol users and you will be able to draw strength from others who are in the same position.Also I want you to start thinking about what it is you want and what is best for YOU. As women we can become great care givers and forget about our needs in the process but it doesn't have to be that way.

I wish you all the best.I hope you get to resolve this difficult situation you are in and make the right choices. Peace and good health, Caroline