Expert: Caroline West - 12/16/2008

Question
QUESTION: my question is i guess a pretty basic question, i would like to know how to deal with my mom thats been on crack for going on 5 years. me my little sister and the rest of the family have been threw everything in he book im 17 and about to finish school and will be coming home soon and i dont want to get dedpressed all over agian and my sister is 10...What do we do? please help me

ANSWER: Hi Stephanie, I'm really feeling for you hun and what you and your family are going through with your Mum's addiction. I just want you to know that your mum's still in there, its the addiction that has taken her over but there is hope,it wont be easy but there is hope.

Firstly I want to talk to you.Finish school and start preparing for what you want to do with your future. You have your whole life ahead of you and you must think about what you would like to do and take steps towards that.

In this reply I am going to be honest and truthful with you,I'm not going to patronize you by saying 'don't worry,it will all be fine...'because getting over an addiction is one of the most difficult things to do and being the child of an addict is one of the hardest thing a child will go through so I'm not going to sugar coat it as I have more respect for you than that.

Crack is a very powerful drug and the hold it has over its users is strong but it can be overcome-I did it over 3 years ago so I know what its like from your mum's point of view. I also lived with a crack addict so I know what its like from your point of view too.The difficult part is to get your Ma into treatment. There are some wonderful Rehab programs out there and there are services that can be found locally. Its very scary and hard for an addict to get help so what I want you to do is go to your families doctor and tell him/her what is going on-you may feel you are betraying your Ma doing this but infact you are doing the correct thing.Your doc will then either give you numbers of services to call or even make a referral on your Mum's behalf or even better pay her a visit.

I also want you to sit down and speak with your mum. Without getting angry I want you to let her know gently how you feel seeing what this drug is doing to her and how worried you and your little sister and the rest of the family are-do it gently. Tell her you love her and that you want to help her get help.Do not say 'if you loved us you would stop...',that wont help. Tell her you and your sister need her and how its hurting you so much to see her go through this.Then ask her if she will allow you to help her (by visiting the doctor).

Stephanie I know this is a huge thing I'm asking you to do especially at your young age so can you ask one of your more sympathetic relations to be by your side and support you on this while you talk to her? And you-I want you to get some support,a school counselor and again I know I'm asking a lot,try and find out your local young persons support team-they will help you a great deal and no doubt have experience in working with young people who have a parent who is an addict.There IS help out there and you need it too.

Coming off drugs is hard and I so wish I could tell you its going to be easy but it doesn't work like that.If Your mum gets into treatment she will have a much higher chance of getting clean but she has to be ready.

I wish you all the best Stephanie and if you wish to ask me anything more feel free and if your Mum wants to ask anything I'm here for her too. Don't carry this burden all by yourself there are places as I've mentioned who can support you as well as your mum.

Take care hun,Caroline











































---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you for the advice and we havealready been threw the rehab thing 2 times and the last one she was in for 12 days and they made her leave for smoking a cigerette (non-smoking facililty) she claims then the same day she got caught stealing meats from food lion and now shes looking at jail time for 8 months shes been to jail before but my grandmother got her out 4 days after she went it the but i have a question for you since you metioned you used before what made you stop? and ive tried sitting ive poured out my heart cried and everything to her and the only thing she says is "i know, im sorry" over and over but nothing changes and i currently graduted school friday december 12th 2008 and i have a new life im about to start living in and i want her to be in it with me but not if shes getting high i dont even trusst her with the smallest things and that hurts so bad but the solutions you offered weve already done several times is there any last resorts we can turn too?  

Answer
Hi Stephanie. First of all congratulations on graduating,well done and well done for looking towards your future. Look at what you would really like to do and go for it,and whats to come will be bright,so hang on onto that and concentrate on you.

I'm sorry it didn't go great sitting and talking with your mum. I want you to know that deep down she is sorry and she feels very bad for what she's putting you kids through-thats your mum talking. Her not taking action to change-thats the drugs talking.She feels helpless,but she still loves you.

It takes years of hard work to fully cut the cord of addiction and there are different stages that an addict naturally goes through until they get clean. In the early days I would try to lead a normal life but still have my drugs like on the weekend-and I tried this for a long while because I wanted the best of both worlds.(it don't work) But drugs ARE nice and the way it makes you feel and you want that all the time but then theres the flip side-getting money to buy it,the shitty dealers you have to put up with,the chaotic relationships,the dishonesty,the other addicts that are'nt really your friends,the emotional turmoil,the come downs. So for me in the end,all the crap that goes along with getting those highs in the end outweighed the buzz,I had had enough of the whole thing but it took a long while to get to that point but only I could make that decision when I was ready. I had had enough-thats what stopped me.

Now,no amount of pleading from my parents,encouragement from my Community Drug Team and all factors outside of myself was going to make me stop-I had to come to the realization myself from within that this was killing me and I had to stop and thats the story for most recovering/recovered addicts. So yes your mum IS sorry for what she's putting you guys through, but she just hasn't come to that stage yet where she has finally had enough and is ready to give up. Even then thats only the first part,theres a lot of work that she would have to do to rebuild her life. It is so hard which is why kids are encouraged at a young age to keep away from drugs.

I gave the love of my life an ultimatum,me or the drugs-you can guess what he chose. So I had to separate from him while he was still using to safe guard myself but I am still there for him for when he gets clean but until then I have to keep a distance and get on with my life. I don't know if he will ever get clean but I have accepted that. Its the same with your mum,until she gets clean and you can trust her again,you need to get on with your own life until she's ready to give up and make those changes. If you keep trying to help her/look after her,in the end you will be dragged down and I don't want that to happen to you. All you can do is keep letting her know that you love her but focus on building a life for yourself. Its harsh Stephanie but its the sad reality and all we can do is our best and lead our own lives and just hope one day they will see for themselves what they are doing and take steps to change.

I am so sorry that you and your sister and family are going through this but now is a good time to band together and lean on one another and hopefully your mum will make the right decisions. You are an intelligent young lady-don't waste that and I promise however messed up things are,your mama's proud of you.

I'm always here so take good care of yourself and your needs and I so wish you all the very best and remember to get help and support for yourself too.

Peace and good wishes, Caroline