AboutJacqui Expertise Harm reduction (is it a dirty word in America??) - ie: needle and syringe programs, prevention of blood borne viruses such as HIV and hepatitis C, questions about dependency on opiates and other substances. Questions about treatment (particulary methadone and buprenorphine).
Experience Manage a primary health service for people who inject drugs, and have worked at that centre for 6.5 years
Organizations Registered as a provisional psychology with the Victorian Psychologists registration board (this is for psychologists working under supervision or currently studying a masters). Much of my experience is related to my work rather than to my studies
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Arts (Humanities), Bachelor of Psychology with Honours,
currently studying a masters of clinical psychology, completed one half of a graduate certificate in Addiction studies (transferred to psychology as it had better career prospects) - lots and lots of short training courses.
Awards and Honors Presented at international conferences (Harm Reduction Conference in Thailand and Melbourne)
Expert: Jacqui Date: 4/29/2008 Subject: my boyfriend is a recovering heroin addict!
Question QUESTION: hiya i have a question about my boyfriend i foud out bout 2-3 months ago my boyfriend had beemn using again! not only that but he was on a methhadone script and been doin all this for about a year. i was soo hurt and felt like i let him down as he told me he felt he cudnt talk to me about it. i was soooo hurt because i used to ask him why he looked diffrent and asked him now and again about the drug as his brothers are very much users! we also have a little boy together which made things hurt even more. but after some very hard thinking i decided to give it another go only if he prmised to get off it and ell me if he felt liek doing it. he is on a script and reglary sees a councellor. latly tho i have been finding it very hard to believe that he is just n methadone he has a little make on his arm were he usually goes and he explained that little bumps keep apearing but it bleeds a little bit i dont know if i can believe this as he used to lie to me very well the before i found out. II dont completly belive he's doing it but at the same time i really dint believe last tym he was and he was . is there anyway i can tell he's still using although he is on 40mg a day of methadone. sorry its a long message im just finding this reallty hard to deal with and am pretty much on my own so gratful for your help sianne xxx
ANSWER: Hi Sianne,
You don't need to apologise that your message is long. You sound very distressed and you are in a very difficult situation. As I say to everyone, withdrawing from drugs is a very complex situation and people will often have relapses. The choice you need to make is whether or not you are available as support to your boyfriend. Obviously the fact that you have a child together makes this more difficult a decision.
It sounds like you are referring to an injection site on your boyfriend's arm, although there is of course a possibility that it is something else. The issue that seems to stand out the most from your message is that you feel betrayed that your partner has lied to you and you feel frustrated at not being able to get him to stop using. There are lots of reasons why people aren't totally honest about their drug use, and I believe that the main one is the shame and stigma that is associated with drug use. Drug users are univerally seen as "bad people" in the media and in general culture, although in reality, lots and lots of people use drugs. If you include legal drugs, you are talking about the majority if the population.
My advice to you would be to seek some professional support in the form of counselling or peer support. There are agencies set up specifically for families of drug users and these can be really helpful as they are often staffed by people who have been through similar situations. Also, individual counselling would be really helpful for you as it may provide you with the necessary support to make a decision about your relationship.
Also, I understand that you have spoken to your boyfriend several times - but it might be appropriate to set aside a time when your child is not around, and have a serious discussion. I always encourage people who are having difficulties in relationships to prepare a list of key messages that you want to get across, and arrange a time to have a discussion. Also, it is important that you have a few "outs" such as if you feel the conversation is getting too heated, for example planning a statement such as "I think that this conversation is getting to aggressive and I am going to go away now so that we don't have a fight". If you do decide to talk to your boyfriend I believe it is better to use "I" words rather than be accusatory - such as "I am feeling stressed by this situation", "I am worried because I don't feel I can trust you as much as I would like", etc. Rather than saying "You lied to me" as this statement (even if it is true) will cause your partner to get annoyed and most things said after that will not be heard.
Finally, I don't know what other avenues you have for support, but it is important that you have a life outside of your partner. As you have a young son, you might want to look at getting involved in a mothers group or doing a course at a local community centre. I guess the main reason for this is that, if the relationship does fail, you have other things to keep you going.
As far as knowing whether he is still using - this is hard. And I guess I am a little loathe to provide to specific information as, it is sometimes hard to tell the difference between methadone and heroin (especially if someone has a large tolerance). For example, heroin can make you drowsy, but so can methadone.
Sianne, I really hope that you are able to seek some support around this issue. Please remember that it is not your fault that your partner is having difficulties with his drug use. We live in a very complex society and sometimes people want to use drug to feel better, sometimes for fun, sometimes to self-medicate, sometimes because they are dependent, etc, etc. Please dont' punish yourself.
If you have any more information, please don't hesitate to ask.
Stay safe,
Jacqui
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QUESTION: hi jacqui thank you for your reply you really helped i kept asking my boyfriend and he swore on mine and his sons life that he hasn't doen it. todya though i fphoned my gp and his drug worker about the markss on his arms and they said it is very unlikely the marks brusies and blood just wouuldnt appear.after an argument and alot of hard pursauding on the phoen he finally admitteed to me he had doen just a wash. he dint tell me cos he knew it would be over. i feel heartbroken from this because i told im he could and as part of the agreement of getting back together he was supposed tell me if he felt like doing it and he made that decision not to so i've ended it for good this time im only 20 and iv got to look after me and my son. i gave him everything and dint get everything back . im really heartbroken about this as we've only bin back together for 3 months but i know i am making the right decsion to end it i do still ove him and i so badly want him to get off it he reckons he only done it once but i dont believe that i ont believe anything he says i just hope he can leave me alone and although im hurt and angry i still want to be friends with him for our son. i am still going to recieve counsoling and continue my college course till i finish in june and hopefully get a job. its just undescribeabl who i feel really anyway i just wrote back to say thank you and let you know what happend. hope to hear formn you soon sianne xxx
Answer Sianne,
I am glad that you have been able to come to a resolution. Ultimately you need to do what is best for you and I think it is great that you want to keep a friendship. When there are children involved it can get complex if the parents hate each other.
