Expert: Jacqui - 6/21/2008

Question
My husband and I have been married for a year together for two and about a year before he met me -he had been clean from Heroin for a year. I have just found out from him that he has been using again for seven months- I had to drag the truth out of him as he was not forthcoming, his excuse being he was scared to lose me and our baby boy.   He was a heroin addict for seven years before we met, and he promised me he had no reason to go back to this life.    When I confronted him about what triggered it he couldn't give me an answer. He has been lying to me about everything for the past seven months and has spent all our baby boys savings. He says he want to quit and begged me to stay an help him through this- the worst thing is is that he is an Addiction Counselor. He has used methadone in the past but I am so bitter about all of this I refuse to let him have it- my reason being that if he wants to quit this badly he would be prepared to do whatever it takes. Am I being unrealistic and unsupportable. What is the best way to help my husband? I want to stick by him but don't want to make it easy for him to relapse

Answer
Hi Lesley,

The short answer is - "yes".  You are being unrealistic.  If people could just stop because they were in danger of loosing things like their family, job, freedom, life (ie: in some countries people are still executed for drug use)then there would be no drug problems.  However we know that this isn't the case.  

I come from a philosophy called harm reduction.  The basis of this belief is that humans will always use drugs, and the best thing to do is to keep people safe until they give up or can manage their use in a way that it doesn't affect other aspect of their lives in a negative way.  The problem with our society is that people who use some drugs are treated as criminals, while people who use other drugs (alcohol) are treated as normal members of society.  This is evidenced by the fact that your partner has "lied to you" rather than tell you, I am assuming because he knew you would react the way you did.  

The other thing that is interesting is that he works in the drug and alcohol field.  From my experience as a manager in this field, many people have had or do have experience with drug use.  

My suggestions are as follows:

- Seek out some support for yourself.  This might be from a TRUSTED family member, or a counsellor, or an organisation for family of people who use drugs (if you are in Australia, I can suggest some agencies).  

- Be as supportive as you can.  It is very distressing that he has spent your child's money and I can understand that you are angry.  I would strongly suggest though, that if you let this anger stop him from going on methadone, you are doing more harm than good.  You obviously love him and he obvoiusly loves you.  

I realise that I have been quite blunt in this email, and I hope that you understand that I am trying to respond in a way that will be most helpful.  The last alternative that you have is to end the relationship.  However, you will need to still have contact with your partner as he has rights as a parent.  Perhaps couples counselling would help?

Let me know if there is any other information that I can provide.

Stay safe,

Jacqui