Expert: Jacqui - 8/20/2008

Question
How do I help him to understand his Mommy is not dead but very sick. He
thinks she is never coming back because I will not allow her to talk to him
when she is using (which lately is everyday). I am at the end of my rope with
her. We have done everything humanly Christianly possible to help her and
the state of NC will only pay for her rehab once. She has used it up and she
starte back using the day she came from the facility. I don't want her near her
son. His some of his behavior is certainly a result of what he has been
through with his mother.
How can I discipline him when needed and not feel guilty and overindulge
him with "its going to be alright toys".

THANK YOU for you time and patience in this death and life matter

Answer
Hi Adrienne,

Firstly I must apologise for not responding to your question in a timely manner.  I have been away for a week or so, and forgot to change my settings to "vacation".  So I am sorry for that.

I think your situation is terribly sad.  Sad because a young woman has lost contact with her son, sad because the state of North Carolina only pays for rehab once and there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that doing rehab once has any beneficial affect, and sad because a mother has lost contact with her daughter and a son has lost contact with his mother.

I understand that it is not good for your daughter's son to see his mother if she is in an excessively "out of it" state.  However, I do believe that some supervised contact may be beneficial.  I am sure that you will disagree with me, but if your grandson is pining for his mother, then him seeing her in a situation that is supervised by you and perhaps your husband, may be a good interim solution.  Of course he should not be around any drug use, however if there are moments (say in the morning before she uses) when she is 'straight' for a period of time, I do not see why this would be a problem.

Drug dependency is incredibly complex.  For example, drug use is punishable by death in some countries and people continue to use.  What does this say?   In your daughter's situation, she has lost contact with her son so what does this say?  She is dependent on a substance but this does mean that she is evil, although I am sure that she has probably done some things she would later regret.  

I believe that it is important to engage a professional to work with you and your grandson and come up with a plan whereby your daughter can have some minimal involvement in her son's life.  I assume that family services have been involved in your situation?  I know that the welfare and social support system in the US is basically useless so don't imagine there is a heap of low cost support, however there may be something available whereby you, your grandson, and your daughter get some kind of support.  Drug use rarely lasts forever, and it would be beneficial that when your daughter gets over it, she can have some kind of relationship with you and her son.  

The involvement of a professional (whether it be a family therapist, child psychologist, social worker etc) would  be helpful in that they are impartial and can set goals for all of you to work towards.  

I am sure that you love your daughter, even though she has hurt you immensely.  Although you are having to maintain a level of control and authority, there must be a part of you that is suffering a lot.  I would really strongly suggest that you get some support for yourself, whether it be through a support group or through counselling of your own.  I am in Australia so don't know what kind of services are available to you, but I have been able to put people in touch with local services by doing 'net searches, so if you let me know what city you are in, I might be able to find something.

Adrienne, I really wish you all the best.  I am sorry that I cannot offer you a more concrete solution.  However, I really do strongly suggest seeing a professional as this is potentially more difficult for you to deal with on your own.

Best wishes,

Jacqui


28/08/08

Hi Again Adrienne,

I am just updating this answer to apologise to you.  You were probably wondering what the hell I was talking about when I kept referring to your daughter.  Unfortunately I had quite a few questions and two that were similar, one from a sister (you) and one from a parent.  It seems that things got a little blurred.  So, I apologise.  I understand that you are very upset and probably don't need someone to have appeared to not take your question seriously, by giving a confusing answer.  

Anyway, essentially by response is still the same, just replace "daughter" with "sister".

I hope all is going ok and you are getting the support that you need.

Jacqui