Expert: Jacqui - 8/12/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi - I have a step son (My wife's son) who is 24 yrs old and is a drug addict.  Over the past 8 yrs he's gone from bad to worse.  A year ago was the last straw when we kicked him out of the house for good for calling me out to fight.  Since June of 07 he's been in and out of work, homeless, hungry, no money, no car, 90 miles away from our home (thank God) and continues to call his mom to ask for her help.  The help he wants is money.  This is an absolute no, in any way.  Last evening, he calls and was on the phone with his mom for over 2 hours.  He's hurting (lost his front teeth due to an injury a long time ago and not taking care of it), he's bounced from house to house and always complains about it, has no money, lost his job again, etc. and gets very angry that we won't "help" him.  My wife has enabled him for so long, up until a year ago, and finds herself wrestling with guilt over his pain and agony.  He says he's stopped using, but frankly I doubt it.  My wife and I are devout followers of Jesus and want to go about this biblically.  To me, giving him anything, is enabling, other than moral and Spiritual support on the phone (which by the way he doesn't call me).  To my wife, it's helping him (no money, just clothes or a phone card or something.)  She's racked with guilt, and I should mention that she's already lost a daughter to addiction and her ex husband.  Her oldest child has been freed from addiction by Jesus.  I'm not looking forward to our conversation tonite because I feel she's once again going to try to coax me into "helping" him.  She tells me that it's so hard to "obey" me, when she hears her son hurting so, and then it ends up in a blame thing, and just nothing but more pain. I feel that to give anything to him is enabling.  Could you please let me know how you see this and if you have any words of wisdom, I'm all ears!  Thanks very much

John

ANSWER: Hey John,

To tell you the truth, I am surprised that you even asked me this question (have you read my resume?).  Anyway, I guess from the outset we probably would look like we have nothing in common (you are a christian, I am an antheist - you are asking whether you should "do nothing" to help your son but spiritual and emotional support, and I would suggest otherwise).  If you have read any of my previous answers, I subscribe to a way of working called "Harm Reduction" which is about acknowleding that people use drugs (all kinds, including alcohol) and have done for thousands of years, so the best way to address it is to "reduce the harm associated with it".  This is through needle and syringe programs and relaxing of drug laws.  My honest belief is that laws don't stop drug use (case in point american war on drugs - trillions of dollars and counting) so we should take a different stand.

However ... your situation if very difficult.  I would suggest that it is more than just the drugs that might be causing your son's behaviour.  Calling you out to "fight" is pretty serious!  I would also suggestion that this behaviour is never justified, but I wonder whether there was some abuse in your step son's life at some point (his father ...?)  Many people use drugs, but not that many pull stunts like what you are talking about and I know lots of people with drug problems that don't threaten their step parents.  Anyway ...

Your question is yours to answer considering the following:
- what has led your step son to where he is?
- "tough love" rarely stops drug use.  What often happens is that the drugs stop eventually anyway (most people with dependencies stop) and then the parents can say that it was the tough love, but in reality it may have just stopped ... people get sick of living in an illegal subculture and having to spend ever last cent on drugs that are only expensive because they are illegal - but it takes a long time.  
- the outcome of tough love might be loosing a son
- I guess that he is your wife's son and it is going to be primarily her decision.  However, you don't have to support it if you don't want to.  It would be a lot to ask a mother to cut off contact with her son ... even if he is a prodigal one.  What would Jesus do?

I must say that you need to also be able to accept some support yourself.  It sounds like you are taking on a very strong and authoritative role for the kids and your wife.  It is not common for men to seek support and say "I'm just not coping" but perhaps there is someone you trust who could offer that ... a pastor at your church, a priest?  You have written to me because you are concerned, and I guess you are concerned for both your wife and your step son, even though he has been really difficult.  As you said, it would be terrible for you wife to loose another child.  

The thing that is really, really hard to cope with in regards to drug dependency, especially for families, is that there is little treatment that really works.  If I knew what drug your son was on, I might be able to offer some more clinical type support, but I am guessing it might be methamphetamine or crack, meaning that it is going to be very difficult (if it is heroin there are better treatments).  

Finally, is there are family therapist at your church who you and your wife could speak to together?  It might help you both agree to accept each other's views.  

I really do wish you good luck and believe that you are a caring man to ask a complete stranger (an Australian, liberal, atheist) for support.  Just make sure that you are getting some yourself, and try to wonder about how your christian faith works in this context ...

Best wishes and take care,

Jacqui

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Jacqui - thank you for your response.  I didn't read your resume prior to posting my question, but I'm not sorry I did to a supposed atheist.  My feeling is that you're really not an atheist just unwilling to submit and believe that the uncreated God of the universe created all things, most notably "beings".  That means you.  Thank you for at least acknowledging "WWJD". But I digress.

My step son has basically done every drug you can name...he's told us.  He's also told us that he's not going to stop smoking pot as long as he lives.  It's been a very serious and debilitating driving force in his life.  He's rejected all forms of "rehab" which doesn't really work anyway, and is filled with anger, I think a lot of which stems from the void his father left by also being a drug addict and alcoholic.  I'm viewed in his eyes as the "bad guy" that took his mom away from his dad, which is not what happened, but in his mind, it's his reality.  My evening went surprisingly well last night with my wife. She does understand that once again, he sucked her into his world, she allowed her joy to be robbed by him and realizes that too often her mother's love often times can lead her to stinkin thinkin.  I'm thankful for her and her conviction to allow the Holy Spirit to do his healing in her heart.

My wife and I have been to counseling, both secular and within our church, and it indeed has been helpful.  

As for how my Christianity works in this context...the answer is from the book of James 1:2-3, "Count it all joy my brethren when you meet difficult trials...for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."  So we are being tested again, and our call and command is to let Him lead.  Sometimes this leadership is manifested through others, including yourself, believe it or not.  While you may suppose that your worldly views in direct conflict with the word of God, and my views, would prohibit the possibility of you providing help, but in fact you've been very helpful.  And I thank you for taking the time to reply from halfway around the world!  I wish you the best in your life and hope one day you'll enjoy eternal life with God, rather than eternal life without Him.

Peace,

John

Answer
Hey John,

It has actually been a really nice experience for me to communicate with you.  I guess my beliefs about 'who we are and how we got here' are a bit different from yours, but, my work is not out of line with Christian thinking.  

I am a bit intrigued by your situation.  Marijuana isn't a drug that usually instills the kind of behaviour you are referring to.  In fact, it would be unusual for me to see someone in my work place pulling stunts like your step son to obtain money for marijuana.  I wondering if there is either one of two problems:
- he is actually dependent on something that is more habit forming
- it isn't actually about drugs at all.

I find the perception of drugs in society eternally interesting.  I guess it is from being immersed in the topic due to my work as a manager of a clinic and needle and syringe program.  I see people who are at their most desperate (in the clinic) and then people who are just after a clean needle or syringe.  I always laugh with my staff about "tradesman hour" when the guys from the building industry come by and get their injecting equipment on a Friday afternoon - we don't see them any other time.  However, we do see people who are up to their necks in trouble with drugs and other people who would probably be up to their necks in trouble no matter WHAT they are doing.  I guess what I am trying to say is that it sounds like your step-son is someone who is having some psychological problems that may or may not be related to drug use. The problems can be because of the drug use, or the drug use can be because of the problems! There are many people who have used "every drug under the sun" but they don't all have the same issues as the young man you are referring to.

I don't want to sound like a screaming apologist for drug use, but his father left a "void" in your step son's life that was more than just his drug dependencies.  I have friends who are on methadone programs and technically "dependent" on drugs and they have loving and very stimulating relationships with their children.  I also know people who smoke marijuana or use amphetamines or heroin occasionally and have kids and they are all fine.  What I am saying is that it is probably more than the drug dependency that caused problems for your step-son in his relationship with his father.  I know i mentioned this before, but I wonder about any abuse (actually both physical and sexual abuse is much more common than is acknowledged).  Also, it sounds like his father had problems beyond his alcohol and drug use, and may have been emotionally unavailable to his son.  

As a psychologist (don't hate me for it!!) I believe that there is often a combination of innate traits and upbringing that define someone's life.  I know people who have had nasty childhoods but had the resilience to deal with the issues and get by.  However, sometimes people are predisposed to being emotionally needy, and then have a troublesome childhood which leads to problems such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Dysthymia, Anti Social Personality Disorder and other problems.  

Ultimately, if your step son doesn't want help, he can't really be forced to.  I must say though, the use of marijuana isn't going to stop him from contributing to society, but his emotional problems might.  In the US, marijuana is legal in some states, so I guess think of it like this ... Mr X has cancer, he smokes marijuana for his pain every day, he gets up in the morning, does some gardening, shopping, makes dinner for the wife, they relaxes, he takes some more marijuana, then they retire to bed.  
Now think of this ... your step son smokes some marijuana, then calls you up and yells down the phone at how you are a "bastard" and turning his mother against him, then he asks his mum for some money for the rent, then cries, then hangs up.

I guess, I am seeing the personality/emotional/psychological problems and taking them out of the context of the drugs.  Obama and Clinton smoked pot (and we all know Bush did and he apparently did some cocaine too, and well, who was that tele-evangelist with the big percodan problem?) ... so I am just putting it all in context.  I don't necessarily think that the main problem is all the drugs, maybe your step son needs some professional emotional support.  Now, the hard part is that it is very, very difficult to force this on someone.  

If there is any possible chance of seeing a family therapist with your step son I would grab it!  I am thinking that this would be unlikely, but it is worth a try ....

John, it has been really great communicating with you.  I admire your strength in your faith, and like I said, we both want the same thing which is happiness for all man (and woman) kind.

God (or something) bless,

Jacqui