Expert: Crystal - 8/23/2008

Question
I made a horrible mistake by corresponding with a man in prison.  I would not readily admit that but this will answer the question why I did not previously know about his crack usage.

D was patient, insightful, loving .  With the prison record I did go further to find out his family background.  His parents are charming successful people.  They obviously gave a pause for the cause when D told them about his intentions with me.

To the point, When I pick him up from the prison, I had money saved and plans made to help him get on his feet.  He planned to rob me of my car, credit cards and luggage, and leave me stranded at his parents house... His plans were successful.

To speed the story along two weeks later he surfaced, apologizing and proclaiming he will never hurt me again.  Well two months later I am out of 2 stereos, 2 TVs, 2 DVD players, DVD's, CD's and a lot of other items and my son's new pair of sneakers.

With the theft of my son's sneakers I called the police.  He is currently back in jail facing seven years because of violation of probation.  D calls me every day begs me to drop the charges and he will get help, he has told me he has been on this drug for 20 years.  But, now he's going to get help.

This story is a long sad one, unfortunately he had a list of ladies that tried to help to, but they just got their car stolen to.

The question is I got in too deep and now I find myself not clear in my thoughts.  I want with every thing that I have for this to work.  And for him to get into rehab.  I have been sincerely damaged by this emotionally, so I am not making the right decisions, I have not done this drug but I am suffering the after effects from it usage.

Please help

Answer
Dana,

You are right, it affects everyone around those who use even though you don't. I am sorry that you have had to endure such a long awful road but the only thing that you need to do for yourself and for your son is to move on. A person who continues on the same path after years and years of opportunities to change only to make the same mistakes over and over again, burning new bridges and never looking back with remorse can't be helped. You can't spend your life burying yourself inside someone else's addiction because after time you don't know where they end and you begin anymore. It's not healthy.
As for the promises, he can't promise you that he will NEVER hurt you again since he can't keep a promise to himself to stay clean or to change. I am sure he made promises to all those other women and thought he meant it but it doesn't work that way. A person with addiction has to devote their strengths and will to really stay clean and keep themselves on the right path, nobody else can do that for them. Only they can help themselves and then after they are honest about what they want and they are truly ready, only then can you help them. You can't be the one working harder then the addicted person, your job is to walk beside them and be there when needed with boundaries and respect for yourself but you can't lead them.
Does that make sense?