Expert: Crystal - 8/12/2008

Question
Hello.  My name is Erin and I have been dating my boyfriend, George, for 6 months.  When I met him he was in a 3/4 house and had been clean from heroin and methadone for about 8 months.  Soon after I met him he got kicked out of his house for being late at curfew.  I helped him out with money to rent a room.  Soon after that he lost his job.  Again, I helped him out with money.  It was hard to find another job, but eventually he did.  Things seemed to look like they were going to get better.  Not long after that he lost that job.  Things got really hard for us.  We were fighting more and we both knew it was because of money.  During these past few months I have been paying for his food and helping with his rent.  As if that weren't hard enough, he had 3 slip-ups and used again.  He used different opioid pills and once used methadone.  This was really stressful for us.  I tried different approaches each time.  Getting mad, being compassionate and distancing myself.  I think that his hard times have had something to do with these slips, but I may also have something to do with them.  I have never had to deal with being an addict, but I do, on occasion, have a few drinks and smoke a little marijuana.  He knew this from the beginning.  At first I didn't do these things around him, then he felt more comfortable with being on his own and he said it was okay.  He would have a few drinks and smoke occasionally as well.  He said he didn't really care much for alcohol and marijuana, he liked opioids more.  This was all going on at the same time as the money problems.  This was really hard for me because I don't like the effects that hardcore, chemical drugs have on people, much less my boyfriend and that is what he has fought so hard to get away from.  The last time he slipped up I broke it off.  No more money, no more affection.  I didn't want to be an enabler anymore.  His addict personality was letting himself rely on me and less on himself.  We still talk, but only on a friends basis.  He says he is doing good, staying clean, attending meetings multiple times a day, trying to find work and hanging out with clean friends.  I would love to get back together with him, but only if he is going to be progressive and clean.  Is it too soon in his recovery to ask for stability?  Should I not drink or smoke at all around him or quit all together?  I know of couples where one person is drug free and the other isn't, but isn't an abuser either.  Is this too much to ask for?  It's really hard for me because I don't abuse the things I do, I just occasionally do them.  We love each other a lot and I don't know what to do.

Answer
Erin,

Using is using and you need to realize that if you want to be in this relationship that you both need to be sober because it is obviously the only way it will work. It must be a relief to you that he is not using anymore and that he is remaining sober. That is one step in the right direction. You also have to remember that relapse to some people is a part of the sobriety game and you need to decide whether or not that is something that the two of you are willing to face. I would tell him this however but it is good information for you to have so that you understand both sides. I think it would be good for you to go to a few meetings with him so that he knows you are behind him and walking beside him in this journey he is trying to progress thru. Does that make sense to you?
Love can overcome alot of things if you are willing to go the extra mile and be there for each other.