Expert: Crystal - 8/30/2008

Question
My situation is probably quite hard to believe for some.  I do not use, nor have I ever used drugs.  I fell in love with a guy who didn't bother telling me he had this problem until he decided to go to rehab to get out of going to jail.  Our son was 2 days old still in the hospital.  He has stolen from me, lied, put me through hell for the 15 months I've known him.  he is now in jail.  He is facing probation violation.  He is mad because we won't bail him out.  He has written me several times.  I won't write back.  I just can't believe he's not getting it after 4 weeks in jail.  The last letter was cruel & very manipulative.  He swears he loves me but he can't if he has done these things to me.  I should be angry.  My son is fatherless right now.  I am paying for everything on my own & broke.  I go to al-anon.  I'm doing the work on myself, but please explain what 10 yrs. of crack use can do.  He is attractive. genious I.Q.  Only 28 yrs. old & his addition owns him.  It's hard to admit he maybe never loved me.  I saw it in his eyes.  I saw the tears of pain that he feels.  But why doesn't he snap out of it?  He loves our son so much- why???  All the pain. All the time & energy we allow them to take from us.  Funny, we actually have an amazing connection.  We can talk all night, have a great time just being together.  I just don't want to accept he maybe really doesn't love me.  Also, I found a paper that was for AA on accident.  He has allowed men to do things to him for crack.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  Thats why I have detached, with love.  He will lie, putting me and the children at risk.  Please give me some insight to this.

Answer
Amy,

You need to think of you and your son. What do you want him to see, do you want him exposed to this type of lifestyle?

It sounds to me that he is the denial and clueless stage of addiction and is probably going to have to hit rock bottom before anything positive comes out of this. He needs to learn about addiction and he needs to be in a longterm treatment facility to avoid outside influences to be successful. Sobriety is a lifelong commitment and he has to be willing to make it or nothing you do will make any difference. Realize too that ALL addicts cry, they cry because they have difficulty facing reality and normal stressors in life, that is why they use.

I would also suggest that you go to Alanon to get the support you need from others who have been and are currently in similar situations.

Good luck. Keep in touch.