Expert: Caroline West - 1/2/2009

Question
Hi, I've had quite a success and clean cut life and felt in love with someone
who was recovering from depression and cocaine addiction. He was n love
too and committed to change his life and for 5 years he was a good partner -
still drinking alcohol on social levels but no other substance abuse and we
had quite an open communication about it all. He lost his job and things got
worst - he started using cocaine and I had to break up with him. But he is
now doing a proper treatment for the first time ever and finding his answers.
We love each other and I'm being supportive but I feel it would be a stupid
decision to let love win over reason. Do addicts ever manage to have
successful relationships where there's a balance and a future? All I here is
that the recovery process is forever and I will never be able to thing ahead
and that makes me want to run away. Is there any hope for love?

Answer
Hi Luma. I can fully understand the predicament you are in and there is good news and not so good news.

The good news is that only one of you is an addict,if you both were then there would be very big doubts as to the success of your relationship. However,in this relationship of yours you are the one that is the emotionally strongest and that could put you under a lot of pressure to be of a support to him.

The other good news is that he has sought treatment-thats a very positive step so I am glad of that and it will go in your favor too in that he will be receiving support outside of your relationship so its not entirely on your shoulders.

The not so good news is regarding your question about the future. There is a very popular mode most addicts adopt and that is taking one day at a time especially early on in treatment. The longer he is clean the better the odds at preparing for a future so its not all bad it just will take some time and patience.

Relapse has a very high percentage probability of reoccurring in an addicts life however long they have been clean though it lessens over time. I have been clean a very long time,going into the years,but I still cannot say 'I am cured' because I could still relapse and it will be the same in your BF's life too. It is an ongoing process,life-long and thats the truth of it. Some when they get clean become complacent and that is a very dangerous path to tread so as long as your other half remains in realism the better it will be.

You said he relapsed when he lost his job. Ok he gets another job-what will happen if he gets laid off? A relative dies what will he do then? any bad life event that can and will occur,what will he do then? You see where I'm going with this and that is the reasoning part of your brain which you are right in acknowledging.

The depression aswell. He should definitely not be drinking alcohol if he has depression because alcohol by nature is a depressant and it will make his feelings worse. Also alcohol lowers inhibitions which will make him more susceptible to using coke.

Someone told me a long time ago that you cannot live on love alone and its true. Your twos future could be uncertain for a very long time but its going in the right direction by him getting help but you still need to ask yourself the questions I mentioned and decide whats best for you. It is a life-long process and that fact won't go away. You may not receive the security you are after.

Stick at it and see how it goes and how well he is doing in treatment but still be prepared.

I'm sorry I can't give you the answers that you need but I have been totally honest,truthful and realistic with you. What ever you decide to do I sincerely wish you all the best and if there is anything at all more you would like to ask then I am here.

Take good care, Caroline