Expert: Caroline West - 1/27/2009

Question
QUESTION: I have been with my boyfriend for just coming upon 1 year, just before Xmas a found out he was smoking heroin. he says hes not addicted and can take it or leave it. when i finished it with him he said he'll stop but he needs my support! during the weeks from Xmas he has tried, theres been days i know he's not had any and he sweats and has all the symptoms. my question is will he ever be clean ? i am willing to help as much as i can but if he continues lien I'm not! i don't want to waste anymore time on him through this addiction but i cant  bear to be without him!

ANSWER: Hi Donna,firstly please accept my apologies for the lateness in my response.

Because I have heard of this type of story over and over again I will do my best to advise you but it will be ultimately your decision on what you will do.

Do not listen to your boyfriend when he is saying that he can take it or leave it. I can say this because of the information you have given me that he is sick. It takes a very,very short amount of time to get addicted to Heroin and trust me no-one can take it or leave it once they are hooked,which as I have said happens very rapidly.

He is already showing signs he is addicted by how sick he feels. The sweats,the feeling like crap the lot. Now,there are going to be days when he doesn't feel sick and on them days when he is miraculously better-he will have used. If he was trying to come off it 'cold turkey' he will be sick continuously for a few weeks and then the feelings will start to minimize even though it takes the body to fully recover a lot longer. So if he isn't ill like that and for that amount of time,then he is lying to you. Withdrawals last as long as I have outlined and it also takes a lot longer for the body to normalize anyhow. These are the facts.

Also he is asking for your support-what does he exactly want you to do? you can't help him with the withdrawals and I sincerely hope not with money. Why should you have to support him? I know you say you love him but Donna what about your needs? why should you put all your energies into him which is what supporting someone with an addiction means-its no easy line and its 24/7 and you will get dragged down which at a guess I think you are probably feeling a bit of that now already.

I will tell you something now-no one can make someone stop using,they have to want to do it for themselves. What he is saying that he will stop for you then why hasn't he already? Donna don't get pulled into it. He doesn't want to be alone which is why he is saying all this to you but it is not fair on you. Donna there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him. Sure you can spend another year with him and then what? more promises of stopping-as I said if you were the only one who could help him then why is he still using?

He needs professional help and support from his local Drug and Alcohol Service and his doctor. But if he doesn't even think he has a problem then he cant be helped.

Donna I sincerely hope you make the right decision for yourself. Think about what I have said. Think about whats best for you-and that is not being selfish,its self preservation and its ok. You have my full support so if you want to write in about anything else,even if its to get a bit of strength for you,then get in contact,I'm always here.

Take good care, Caroline  



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: In Reply To Your Qu's,  He Said He Just Wants Me To Be There? A Think Just To Give Him The " Well Done " I Know How Hard An Addiction Can Be, I'm A Self Harmer Myself  We Went To The Doctor's Today And He Gave Him Tablet's To Help, Thank You For Replying To Me, Because I Don't Really Know Everything About The Drug I Believe What He Has Told Me, You Say It's Months He Said It's 3 Day's Of " Cold Turkey ", Thank You Anyway, I Suppose I Really Need To Take A Look At My Own Life

Answer
Hey Donna, I wish you could believe what I have been saying to you. Regarding what your boyfriend is saying that after 3 days of not using heroin will make someone clean. The first three days ARE hard but it takes a number of weeks,even months to fully recover. Its not just the physical withdrawal its also the mental and emotional side of it. If every addict could be 'cured' after 3 days of going cold turkey and it was as easy as that then there wouldn't be Rehabs,Drug and Alcohol Teams,Detox centers etc...Its not as simple as that. Without sounding arrogant,I wouldn't have been accepted as an 'Expert' on this site if I did not know what I am talking about. I don't want to see you get sucked into the BS of it all.

Your a self-harmer yes? I have too been one and still have the scars. I don't self harm anymore and haven't done for about 8 years so I pretty much have a good idea what you are going through. Are you getting professional help?? If you are thats great and let them help you but if you haven't then please go to your Dr to be referred for help,don't go it alone. I understand more now. Donna you said in your first e-mail to me that you don't want to be with your BF if he is still using-stick with that and please don't listen to all the misinformation he is telling you,you have enough to deal with. I'm telling you the truth but its ultimately your decision. Do me a favor and please get help and support for yourself.

I wish you nothing but the best and even though you probably don't agree with or like what I am saying to you,I just want to let you know that I am on your side. If you want to write in anymore and ask anything else then I am here. Take good care of yourself.

Peace and good health to you,Caroline.