Expert: Caroline West - 1/6/2009

Question
Hi,

I have been separated 2x from my husband due to drugs and him becoming violent. We have 4 kids, his mine and ours. Presently he is not violent but smoking weed all day, binge eating and bulemic, and did become really angry when I was looking in the garage for something to fix the door, so I am not sure if coke or something else. My sister who used to smoke says she couldnt believe how much he weed he smoked, and she used to hang out with the party people. I am no angel used to hang out too but quit pot at 19, and stayed away from that when had kids, in AA for awhile at 20 my ex didnt suceed and tried to kill me on crack but thats another story.

Last time my husband was really bad he was on oxy, xanax, and drinking, left his son at a food store and was gone all night, I called the cops and he was arrested next day. When he was home for a day after leaving the hospital, he begged my sister to get him some drugs. He was forced to the program or lose us from CPS, and they did not let us live together until he proved himself, about 6 months. The big problem was oxycontin and xanax, also gambled online (at times has lost enought to cover rent, but I dont watch his bank its separate since we last split)

He can get oxy anytime he wants (MS), and did have a script he wanted to trade a dealer for weed (and asked me to ask old friend which first was going to but I didnt) so for the last 3 months I suspected it might be him taking them. He was mad about anything even keeping me up at night and also he was drinking heavy.

I am not sure if I should tell, I tried a month ago and my husband only got angry and defensive, he had them (and I for awhile) convinced too that pot is a good medicine. (I think it is for some but my husband will smoke it all day and binge eat) I did not realise it as we keep money separate, that he blew over $6000 which was a disability payment for our son over the last few months (over what he normally gets which is more than enough to live) I am working but not making much, am disabled myself, and it is more difficult to work at home with all this chaos. I am looking for a part time job I can physically handle just to get out of here. I am accepting we may have to move or lose our home, am worried about the kids, and he is heavy in denial still. Do I shut up and wait to see what happens? I said something today and he just shot me down, so nagging dosent do anything. He woke us up for school, went out to get stoned, and the kids went on the bus, and smoking again... he get to the point much of the day that his speech is impaired and eyes are really gone. He says he is looking for a job and thinks he can get one easily (now that his insurance may find out he got a payment from soc sec.) I have a bag packed in case he runs out of weed and gets nasty but I am praying it wont get there again.

I really feel bad for his son if he goes back to his moms it is a bad neighborhood and last time this happened he started getting into real trouble being left home alone (she is a single mom) If it gets scary I know he would not come with me and his mom is 3 hours away. He is a good dad despite this, and spends time with the boys and helps out a lot. . Im not sure if I should bother telling them, if they havent figured it out. His mom said last time he will always be like this as his grandfather was. His dad may talk to him again but my husband is a master of BS, so dont know what good that will do except get him mad.

Answer
Hi Mary,I'm going to be brutally honest with you and it may not be the answers you are looking for but I won't sugar coat this.

Why are you with him if he is violent towards you? Don't you think enough about yourself to get out of the abusive relationship? There are children involved-I don't know how old they are but whatever age they are don't you think its upsetting for them to be in such an environment? Your having to tip-toe around him and constantly be in fear if what you say will trigger him into a violent state,that is no way to live.

He is sitting at home smoking lots of weed which is putting him into a comatose state and he thinks it will be easy for him to get a job? who is going to employ someone who is stoned all the time? Its not just the weed its all the other stuff he is on-drugs are drugs,addicts are addicts regardless of what substance is being taken.

You have a disability and your working and even looking for more work-while hes there sitting at home getting stoned.He should be out there working to support his family. You say he is a good father and he helps his kids-Gambling away all your sons disability money,he left his son at a food store and went AWOL all night and you still think hes a good father?

He sais pot is medicinal-has he got Cystic Fibrosis? I doubt it.Its another way of him trying to make you believe what hes doing is acceptable.

I don't know what good it will do to tell the family hes using,its not going to stop him and it could put you in a lot of danger if he finds out that you told them. He,as you said,is in total denial and until he 'wakes up' I dont know what you can do because now if you say anything about it to him he gets nasty etc..

Mary you need some self esteem because the way you are being treated is plain not right and whether you think otherwise your children are feeling it too-kids are very sensitive to whats going on around them and they will pick up on the vibe.You cannot change him.All you can change is yourself and come to the realization that this is a very bad relationship you are in and you deserve better.

I wish you nothing but the best and hope that you sort this out for yourself and your children.Anything else you want to ask then I am here and you can write again.

All the best,Caroline