Expert: Caroline West - 1/18/2009

Question
Hi Caroline - I am struggling with my 24 year old son who is an addict.  I trying to find ways on dealing with this. I love him so much, but hate what he has done to me and my family.  Any insight would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks so much Caroline.

Answer
Hi Patti. Its always a hard one for the friends and families of an addict and being honest there sometimes is not much that can be done until hes ready to quit and look at why he is using in the first place. There is always a reason someone starts using and its an escape from reality but why he wants an escape only he can answer that and you may be at your wits end because you don't know why he is doing it, but only he knows.

You say you hate what hes done to your family and until something is done there will be more bad stuff he will cause you all.

Sometimes,and your not going to like this answer,sometimes its a matter of slightly letting go. I know you love him dearly and thats why its so hard but you have to protect yourself too. Unfortunately whatever you do will not be able to stop him until hes ready to,ready to even admit he has a problem. You may have to let go a bit. If he is getting money from you then stop giving it to him as all thats doing is enabling him. I am presuming here that you do help him financially,if not then ignore this,it will be harder for him to get money and when he realizes he cant then that may be a factor in his stopping.

For you Patti (as its not all about the user) I would suggest you find your local Drug & Alcohol Treatment centre and seek support there and they will also have a support group for families of addicts and that should bring you a level of comfort and comradery-for want of a better word-so do investigate that.

As I said I know how hard it is for you and the sad reality is that only he can stop when hes ready to and there is not much you can do. Tell him how you feel,no arguing,just let him know how much its hurting to see him like this and maybe you could get through to him but don't get your hopes up. I'm just being honest with you.

This might help you. When I was using I put my family through hell but they never gave up on me. They were always there through all the crap I threw at them but they had to take a step back and let me get on with it until I learned from my mistakes. Now we get on great and I thank them for not totally giving up on me even though they took that step back when they needed to. So that may give you something to think about.

I cant say much more except that I sincerely wish you all the best and hope you can come to some resolution with your son. If you ever want to ask anything more then do write in,im always here.

Caroline