Expert: Caroline West - 1/24/2009

Question
I was with my boyfreind for about 4 years, in high school through some of college. He was my first and only love thus far. In high school he smoked pot and i knew that he ahd tried Coke, but once we got out of high school and I had been living with him for about a half a year I found out that he was smoking heroin. It wasnt something that he confessed to me, it was something that i figured out through evidnece on my own and forced him to own up to. I stuck by his side for about 4 months, while he told me he was going to get help, but he never made an active move in doing so. I finally realised that there was nothing I could do if he did not want to help himself. So I left him. We were seperated for about 10 months with a rare occasion that we spoke, but spoke to each other as if we had no past and barely knew each other. I found out through some mutual friends that he had started shooting up, which scared me. I also knew that there was nothing i could do at this point, so I let it go. He contacted about 3 months after i found that out telling me that he was clean. That he broke both of wrists while he was high, got a staph infection that could have killed him and came very close to dying from an overdose. he told me about all of the terrible things he had done to get his next fix. And it all killed me and the break up was so hard for me in the first place. I thought to myslef that this was the first time in 4 years that he was so honest with me about his drug use, the first time he admitted to having a problem and the first he took action to do something about it. He has been clean for less than a month and I know from all the programs and everything I have read that he should not be in a relationship for a year. And I also dont want to put myself in a position to be hurt again. So, my question to you is, Am I right for leaving him to do this on his own? Is that the best thing for him? Should I be thinking about myslef first? And I also know that the chances of a heroin addict relapsing are 9 in 10. Am i being too selfish by thinking that he needs to be clean for at least a year before i would consider going back to him if ever? I am also very afraid that when i tell him I can not talk to him anymore, that this is something he needs to do on his own that he will start using again because i hurt him.

Answer
Hi Samantha.

I am so glad that you wrote in. I can at least help make your decisions regarding your ex stronger and confirm what you already know to be the best way forward.You are no way selfish at all. You are looking out for your needs which is the right thing to do. I tell women this all the time and I can give you the verification,which I think your asking for,that what you are doing is the right thing.

Yes the 'getting clean and staying clean' statistics are very low so I am glad you are aware of that. Being a month clean is nothing as all along the way there are obstacles that will come up that will test and can create excuses for the user to pick up again. So what you have been told about the person being clean for a year before seeing them again is totally accurate and wise-they need that length of time to become stronger at staying off it.

To say it again-you are not being selfish,what you are doing is called self preservation and it is the wisest way to go. There is nothing that you can do to help your ex-he has to do that by himself. If you allow him back into your life right now it could end up pulling you down so my advice to you is to stay well away until he has been clean for a whole year with not one relapse in that time.

It is not an unreasonable request and yes he probably won't like your answer but you got to do it for yourself and if he truly loves you he will respect your decision.

I want to touch upon something you said regarding when you do speak to eachother that it feels like your strangers. Drugs change a persons personality dramatically and he will seem different so thats one thing. The other is that to me it is an indicator that its time to move on,that you two have outgrown eachother-and thats not a bad thing,its natural that young lovers change as they grow up,so think about that too.

Samantha you are very wise. You already had the answers before you wrote in,I've just verified what you already knew so follow your instincts as they are guiding you in the right direction.

I hope that I have helped.If there is anything at all more that you want to ask or write in about please feel free to do so,I'm always here. I wish you all the best so take care, Caroline.