Expert: Charles I. - 10/2/2009

Question
Well I married an ex crack addict unknowing. We have been married a year. When I met him he had moved here to Texas to start over and stay with his family after a stent in prison. He has been in prison 3 times and been to rehabs a multitude of times. He hid his past from me before marriage, telling me a small amount to keep me as he was sure he would lose me if I knew the truth. We dated 3 months and married. Since marriage he has been wonderful, we go to church, he works, sweet, loving. But here it goes, twice after we were in horrible fights he behaved different totally. Went out stayed all night, argued for a few days, total bipolar disorder. With his families pressure and mine we forced him to get a brain scan and found out he has frontal lobe damage due to his years of crack use. Little did I know he has even lived on the streets when he was an addict. He got on L tyrosine as a dopamine supplement they suggested but he refuses any medications. Refuses to go to meetings either. Said he did that for years, plus rehab and got clean without it and it only kept him thinking about his drug when he goes. Things are well now with us, but I am allways walking on egg's now that I do know and have seen him explode and stay out all night twice. I am afraid to argue back when we disagree as think that will trigger him going off. I feel like I am held responsible all the time for if he does go off the deep end. I don't know what to look for even if he does. He said that as long as we go to church and he has my love he will stay clean. But I no longer trust him even though he comes home every night and trys so hard. I don't wish to do anything to trigger him, but have let him know that I will divorce him if he ever goes back to crack or stays out one single night or I catch him lieing about his whereabouts. I have his entire family telling me that he will go to the streets if he ever does as they will not take him in. So I guess my question is, how do I learn to deal with him and my feelings toward him now. I love him, but cannot feel trust even when he is doing good. I feel chronic guilt that if he does go back on the drugs I will be putting him back into drugs by tossing him out on the streets and don't know how I will deal with that if it occurs and the guilt. Am I hoping things will continue to be good, or am I being stupid as I have heard nothing positive about his chances of staying clean? What are the chances if any, or am I just sitting on a timebomb waiting for the day he goes back on crack?
Thanks,
Caroline

Answer
Hi Caroline,

Well, the main issue here seems to be trust. From what you described, honesty seems to be something that the basis of the marriage was/is missing. If he had disclosed his addiction to you before you were married...would you have married him? Understand, I'm not telling you to stay or go...that is something that your heart and mind has to tell you...no one else.
What are his chances for staying clean? Honest answer...I don't know. Recovery is not a "cookie-cutter" process...that is to say that everyone's recovery is different. What works for me may or may not work for you. Having said that, there is differences in abstaining from a substance and being in recovery. Abstaining is nothing more than just not using. For true addicts, this method is generally not too successful. If it was just as easy as just saying no...then there would be no need for counselors, treatment facilities or AA/NA. I think history, through Nancy Reagan's failed "Just Say No" campaign, shows that it isn't quite that simple. True recovery is a day by day, lifetime process that the addict has to actively work. The key word is active!! There is no such thing as passive recovery...we addicts must deal with our addictions daily, for the rest of our lives if we are to keep our disease in remission. Recovery is about change and positive growth. We must make cognitive and behavioral changes in our lives and thinking. We need to surround ourselves with positive people who can support us during difficult times. We have to be willing to look at ourselves in the mirror and make some critical, honest assessments about our lives and what needs improving.
The one thing I heard you say was that you guys attend church...I think that is fantastic! So many people neglect the spiritual part of their lives while in recovery...and in my opinion that isn't healthy. Recovery must be holistic...it must include mind, body and soul! I would recommend that you and your husband schedule some time to speak with the pastor of your church to gain some biblical marriage counseling...if your husband is willing. This may assist you with learning how to trust him again...or maybe even for the first time.
If ultimately you feel you can't live with him and must divorce him...understand this, you are not responsible for his relapse if it occurs. If he relapses it is because he wanted to...he was just looking for an excuse. I tell my clients that a true addict doesn't need an excuse! We can use ANY reason to use: happy, sad, angry, stressed, celebrating, commiserating, today's Monday...you get the idea.
If your marriage is to survive, you and your husband are going to have to put some serious work into it. A marriage shouldn't be about walking on egg-shells waiting for the time-bomb to go off. It is about love, trust, honesty, common goals, partnership...etc. The other thing I would suggest is prayer...prayer is powerful! Sadly too many people discount the true healing power that prayer has. I'm not spouting some religious rhetoric...I personally know the power of prayer and how it has helped my life and recovery.
I hope this helps you in some way and know you will be in my prayers.

Charles