Expert: Jacqui - 10/4/2009

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months, he is on bail and has told me he is against drugs and that his brother is addicted to heroin etc. I found out the truth in the past 48 hours and it turns out he is the addict and that why he has no money EVER, I'VE ASKED HIM ABOUT THIS AND HE LIED. The only way i found out the truth is by confronting his brothers in private, I truly love this man but have no idea how to help him when he denies it to me and gets mad when i accuse him, ive tried coming from every angle and have only been loving towards him, he has a bad temper at time, also luckily he hasn't stolen from me, but I'm aware that he has broken into people places in the past to steal. I don't want to walk away but maybe hes never going to change and he still wont admit it to me, please help with some advise as everyone else tells me to walk away, but i just cant help loving and caring about him the way i do

Answer
Hey Kirsten,

Questions from family and friends of drug users are the most common questions I get, and I usually respond with the same information.  Unfortunately you can't stop your partner from using, only he can do that.  Also, it isn't particularly surprising that people lie about their drug use, when they are constantly told by society, media, politicians, their family, and most everyone else, that drug use is bad and users are bad people or victims.  If you thought someone was going to react badly to something, would you rushing to tell them?

The decision as to whether you want to stay with his up to you.  If you think that you are okay with his using (at least in the short term), then you may be able to make it work.  Tough love is a myth, and most drug dependent people need support rather than rejection.  However, it is whether or not you are the sort of person who can provide the support.

Just because someone is using drugs, doesn't mean they are a "drug addict".  To put this into context, George Bush and Barrack Obama had used cocaine and they aren't "drug addicts".  However, from the limted information you have provided, it seems that he may have a problem (i.e.: if he is spending all of his money on that).  It doesnt' mean that he will have the problem forever though.

People who are dependent on drugs need to make their own decisions about change.  My suggestion would be to approach him very carefully, explain that you don't want to react like everyone else has.  Explain that you love him and want to support him as much as you can, and that you understand that it might not be possible for him to stop straight away.  You could try asking him (very gently) if he wants to stop, or if he is okay with his level of use.  If he says he wants to stop, then you could offer to provide some support.  However, be aware that a lot of drug dependent people stop, then lapse back into drug use, then stop, then lapse, etc.  This is usual, and shouldn't be treated as "failure".

Kirsten, have a think about what you want.  If you want to stay in the relationship, try what I have suggested and let me know how it goes.

Take care and stay safe,

Jacqui