Expert: Charles I. - 10/6/2009

Question
I have just found out my boyfriend of a year has been smoking heroine.  

I had known he had took the substance many years ago when i met him and thought nothing of it as he is very fit and goes to the gym everyday.  However, in the past 3 months he started hanging out with a new group of friends and was never in the house, i then confronted him and asked if he was taking drugs and he was laughing saying i was crazy.  I then started smelling a strong smell off him and he was falling asleep allot.  He then fell out with that group of friends and i was relived as i thought id get my man back.  

However, he started going to the gym at 8 in the morning saying he preferred it to his usual o'clock time.  One morning when he was heading to the gym i saw him raiding through my bin; i then looked down to see tinfoil a brown substance and a lighter. He came clean he had been taking "smack" for 10 weeks and wanted to stop.

The following day we headed out of town and stayed in a hotel for days till he got better.  It broke my heart to think how he jeopardized our relationship. And it was worse when i saw how ill he was coming off the heroin.

Now we are back and i can't trust him atoll.  He is going for runs in the morning saying he wants to get back to how fit he once was.  But i find myself not believing him.  He lied to me for so long and swore on everyone lives he was so innocent and he wasn't.  Its breaking my heart as i feel I'm acting crazy and cant stand to leave him at any point during the day just incase.
Please help me, im going insane.

Answer
Hi Sophie,

Well there appears to be two issues here. First is your boyfriend's problem with heroin and second, your issue with trust. There is nothing you can do about your boyfriend's heroin problem...that is a path he has to walk alone. Either he wants to address that problem or he doesn't. On the other hand, you can deal with your trust issue with him. I'm not telling you that your lack of trust is unfounded...in fact, I doubt many people blame you for your lack of trust. But you are going to have to let by-gone be by-gone if he is truly abstaining from heroin...it is going to be impossible for you two to have a long lasting relationship if there is no trust. I would suggest that you guys try to find some marriage / relationship counseling to help address issues that will give you guys a chance at longevity in your relationship.
I will also mention that I think it would be good for your boyfriend to try to find some counseling for his addiction. If it was as easy as just saying no...then there wouldn't be a need for us counselors or treatment facilities. True recovery is about changing our thinking, as well as people, places and things. Check out some of my past responses to other people who have asked questions very similar to yours. As I have said before, there is a big difference between just abstaining and being in true recovery. You may also want to find an Al-anon meeting in your area to help get some support of your own. Al-anon will give you a chance to be around people who have been exactly where you are. They can give you great advice and support while you are trying to sort all of this out. Good luck to you and I'll be praying for you.

Charles