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About Peter L.
Expertise
I am available to answer any questions about substance use, abuse, and dependence. I can also offer perspective on treatment options and how to motivate someone to get help. I have over 25 years of experience as a substance abuse treatment professional, working with adolescents and adults in a variety of treatment settings. I feel I can answer just about any question in this topic area but can also access reference sources, or direct you to these for additional information gathering or education on your own.

Experience
I am a professional addictions counselor working in a very highly respected treatment center, as well as having a private practice in two states.

Education/Credentials
Masters Degree in Behavioral Science Licensed Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor in Massachusetts, Vermont, and New Hampshire. Also an Internationally Certified Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor

You are here: Experts > Teens > Health for Teens > Addiction to Drugs > 21 yearold daughter...drinking and drugging again

Addiction to Drugs - 21 yearold daughter...drinking and drugging again

Expert: Peter L. - 11/8/2009

Question
Hi: about 2 years ago; I pulled my daughter out of college and put her into rehab. Her drugs of choice at that time were alcohol pills and pot. After 18 months sober she was doing fine; working; taking some time off from classes; attending AA meetings regularly; had worked the steps and seemed to be moving forward with her life. I was so proud ouf her. We have her living with us at home. Over the last 2 weeks we've noticed she's probably drinking again; and I found pot in her room and confronted her. She lied to me about it and I'm hurt and angry. Her weight is scarily low; around 98 lbs; but she told me that it was because of her bipolar meds. Supposedly they make her not hungry? I now believe that she might be on stimulants; or something else. She's no longer on my insurance; and we do not have the money to send her back to rehab. I love her so much and can't fix this for her anymore. My husband and I have a 10=year old son still at home and I can't let her drugging and drinking take control of our home again. I'm emotionally spent with my daughter. My husband and I are finally talking about having her leave home for good; getting her a room somewhere else and letting her support herself. My question for you would be: I think that getting her out of my home is the right move...can you validate this? She has a job and can support herself now. Next question, how do I let go? I do have moments of strength...followed by hours of wondering why this happened; and how could I change it...

Answer
Hi Marsha,

Your situation with your daughter is complex and difficult, and I can understand your struggle. I sense you want to continue supporting her, as letting her go on her own does not necessarily appear like it will motivate her to be more responsible, and therefore less apt to use substances.

I'm wondering what went wrong and interrupted her recovery progress. 18 months is a good start to long-term recovery, but relapse is very common nevertheless; those of us in the field tend to look at recovery as a process, rather than an event. It's hard to respect and foster that process when a resumption of addictive behavior occurs, with its accompanying denial, untruthfulness, and ultimately feeling of disappointment and dashed hopes.

I am curious also as to what she wants. We usually know what caregivers, relatives, spouses, etc. want: Sobriety an end to the addictive behaviors so life can go on with some degree of normalcy. Does she feel she's doing OK? Is she satisfied with how her life is going, and if not, what's the problem? Often mental health issues surface when one gets substance-free and often treatment for those problems become just as necessary as those for substance abuse.

If she admits to a relapse, are there ways a local treatment program can still take her in, perhaps via addiction treatment funds made available for the uninsured? Some states have this. There might also be a local independent substance abuse counselor who might be willing to work on a sliding scale, but the level of care they offer often is not high enough for those with more serious addictive problems.

I would try to have a quiet conversation with her aimed at determining what she's feeling about herself and her life at home with you, your husband, and son. Avoid the substance use issue for this conversation.

Recovery means integration into a meaningful life, with emphasis on employment, stability, support, and goal orientation. If she's claiming she's sober, why is she not working on bettering herself? Again, what does she want?

If you cannot make some progress in that conversation, you can confront her regarding your suspicions about substance use. You can make her get a drug screen. If the results are positive, mandate that she get some type of treatment if she is to stay in your house. If she resists those suggestions, you may have to let some "tough love" further educate her about consequences of addiction. With regard to addictive behavior, consequences are the driving engine of change, and sometimes the way addicts and alcoholics experience this is not pleasant, but at times ultimately necessary.

Thank you for contacting me and I hope this helps.

Peter

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