Expert: Jacqui - 11/12/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Jacqui,
In your profile, you asked if "harm reduction" is a dirty word in America?  As an American, I can tell you that there are a lot of dirty words here.  And people think less of parents who have kids who are less than perfect.

I'm the mother of two children and one of them, according to the values of my community, is less than perfect.  And that makes me less than perfect as a parent.

My 12 year old daughter is addicted to cigarettes (tobacco).  She has been smoking since she was 10 and I have been trying to help her stop ever since I found out six months ago.  I've also been trying to hide the problem from my husband and older son who is 15.  I hide it from my husband because I don't want to take the blame for our daughter smoking like me.  I hide it from my son because I don't want him to get the idea that its okay for him to smoke since his little sister does it.  I hide it from my neighbors because I'm afraid they'll think I'm a bad parent if they find out.

I don't know if cigarettes are gateway drug or not.  I started smoking when I was 13 and I have never taken any illegal drugs in my life and I rarely drink alcohol.

I'm writing because I can't do this any more and I'm seriously thinking about giving my daughter permission to smoke openly.  In the state where we live it is against the law for children under 18 to purchase cigarettes for themselves but it is not illegal for them to smoke if they are given cigarettes by their parents.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with my daughter over this and she's not really fighting me.  She made a mistake and she's paying for it by being addicted and I'm just starting to question whether or not this battle is worth the stress it is causing.

Thanks for any help you can give me.

ANSWER: Hi Margie,

I certainly wouldn't make the judgment that you are a bad parent becuase your daughter smokes cigarettes.  There are a multitude of influences on children, and any one or combination of these can lead to a child making that sort of decision.  Peer influence is often a factor.

I don't actually believe in the term gateway drug.  I that, instead, it is a leap of logic.  Lots of people smoke cigarette at some time, and few people take crack.  Chances are that many people who take crack have also smoked cigarettes, but it does not mean that one LEADS to another.  

The decision as to whether you let your daughter smoke openly is up to you and your husband.  Although I am not a huge fan of cigarette smoking (just not really my thing), my harm reduction philosphy guides me to think that hiding something and pretending it isn't happening when it clearly is, is silly.  There is also an argument that if it is out in the open, there is more opportunity to ensure that there are some limits and boundaries put in place.  As is the case with illegal drugs, because people are so stigmatised, they are really unlikely to want to talk about their drug use - which leads to me getting lots of questions from friends, partners and family saying "why is my drug using friend, partner, son, etc, a liar?"  I always answer by saying, "would you want to say 'yes' to someone about something when you know they are going to scream, cry, yell at you and then tell you that you have to change".  

Anyway, I am getting a bit off the point, and of course the decision is yours.  You will need to consult with your husband though, and perhaps if you explain your rationale to him, and explain that she is likely to do it anyone, he might be won over.  It is probably important that you also talk about the health risks with your daughter.  Do this in a way that is about informing her about her health, not lecturing her.  She can't make a proper decision about smoking until she knows all of the facts.  I would also suggest that you offer to support her if she wants to stop, and if possible pay for the cost of nicotine replacement patches or whatever if available.  

Thanks for your question Margie, and I am glad that you are giving this some serious thought.  If there is any other information I can provide, please don't hesitate to ask.

And ... remember that you are not a bad parent because of this.  

Take care and whatever you do, do it safely,

Jacqui

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Jacqui,
I want to thank you for your answer from the bottom of my heart.  You made me feel a lot better about myself as a parent and about the situation with my daughter.  

I had a heart to heart talk with my husband last night about our daughter.  I showed him my question to you and your answer back to me.  Of course he wasn't happy about it, but he did agree with me that we should give Amy permission to smoke openly.

The decision made me feel as if I lost something or failed, but I honestly believe its the best decision under the circumstances.  In a perfect world, I'd snap my fingers, say no, and that would be the end of it.  But I tried that and a whole lot more before I got to the point where I wrote you for advice.

Having another smoker in the house is going to change the family dynamics with my older son and it might inspire a little jealousy, but we'll deal with my son's feelings as they arise.

Thanks!

Answer
Hi Margi,

You are being a realist ... and you know, probably better than I, that teenagers won't respond to "no" very well!  However,  think you have made the best of the situation.

If you need any more info further down the track, please feel free to contact me.

Kind regards and stay safe!

Jacqui