Expert: Jacqui - 11/14/2009

Question
Our daughter has been an addict started with heorine/coccaine since last February. She is 25 and we are taking care of her son.
We have tried to help her so much and she was still not willing to go into treatment the last time we talked.
We are very concerned for her because she moved up from San Diego in August to stay with us and we told her she had to come clean which she did but barely and then did not follow through with getting into treatment. she moved out a few weeks later because she would not. The few times we had seen her after that I could tell she was not shooting up herione, but most likely she is now smoking meth. Well we have not seen her for 6 weeks and are so worried about her that she has not called, is this normal behavior for her? How can we find her. She has a clean record and at least before she would call. Do you have anything to say that can she light on this. We are helpless to find her.
How can we find her? what is the usual pattern for this type of thing? Thank you for writing back

Answer
Hi Traci,

You are in a tricky situation, and there are as many ways that drug dependent people act, as there are drug dependent people.  I guess one thing that is tricky in these situations is that, from you message, it sounded like you kind of said to her that she had to be straight to stay with you, and when she couldn't do that, she went through the logical thought process that she wouldn't be able to stay with you any more.  Although the situation is very complex, if you have set conditions that she can't keep, it is probably logical that she MAY not get in touch.  

I say this in all questions I get about family drug use - if you say to someone that you want them to be honest about their drug use, but if that honest response means that they will loose their child/accommodation/etc, then the encouragement for being honest is pretty minimal.  I am not being critical of your situation, which is very difficult, but just trying to see things from her pespective a bit.

However, it is concerning that she hasn't contacted you, and of course any parent would be worried.  I am sure you love your daughter very much, and if you have read my previous answers, I certainly don't think that someone is any less deserving because they have a substance use problem.  I actually think it is quite arbitrary how drugs are classified as legal or illegal, and unfortunately our daughter has chosen the illegal ones, which have additional problems due to their status.  

Is it possible for you to get in touch with anyone she knows?  If she understands that you are worried about her, and that it isn't about you wanting to judge her, she may be much more likely to come back.  Unfortunately I don't have any suggestions about how to do this ...

Approximatey one third of americans have admitted to using illegal drugs (and that is only the ones who are willing to admit it to a stranger).  Most people get over it, some don't and continue at some level, and a few have real problems attached to their health.  If anyone is going to change your daugher's situation, it is your daughter.  However, offering love, support and appropriate boundaries (not overly harsh ones, just reasonable boundaries that you will stick to) can help her get through this.  Also, you must be so worried and stressed, and perhaps you need to think about accessing some support yourself - family therapy and counseling are both really useful.

I am sorry I can't offer any more support ... but I do hope that you find her and she is okay.  If you would like any specific information, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Kind regards,

Jacqui