Expert: Peter L. - 12/12/2009

Question
My man of a year and six months, recently got out of rehab and has been advised after one month out of rehab to go live in supportive housing. This came out of nowhere, on a Monday he told me the program may make him move in order to keep getting help, the same day he had a room in supportive housing. He took everything but a few items that he left stating that he would be back. I was crushed how come he could live home and continue to get help, he says that it was not good for his recovery since he got high at home so much and I allowed it. Now he is working his program and a full time job, I don't hear from him as much as I did when he was in rehab, or do I see him, he sometimes acts as if I don't matter to him anymore. Am I overreacting or is he just trying to get his self together? Can someone just forget about someone they claimed to love that fast?

Answer
Hi cocoa,

When substance abusing individuals get treatment, the interviewer doing the intake at the program they are attending asks a lot of questions.  A lot of these questions have to do with home life, relationships, employment, housing, legal status, education, and physical health.  

It's common for someone to be told they may have to get longer term supportive services, and in the case of your boyfriend, enter a residential program.  This recommendation often is made if the current relationship or housing situation, or even place of residence or community, may present some difficulty for the person's continuing efforts at sobriety.  That does not mean you are, in any way, presenting a relapse risk for your boyfriend.  It simply means that the program staff working with him have felt he has to remove himself from situations that may distract him from the recovery work he must do.  Relationships can sometimes bring on some stress for the recovering individual.  Again, it's not personal, just representative of the extreme focus a recovering person needs to stay on track. Recovery from addictive behaviors is very hard work and fraught with pitfalls.  Relapse is common, and there are are a variety of risk factors always out there to present challenges.

Neighborhoods can sometimes present risks due to the familiarity of places where substances are bought and used, high degree of exposure to substance abusing individuals locally, or simply the proverbial "knock on the door" of a dealer or substance abusing acquaintance.  This stuff will cause a lot of problems for the person in recovery.

Rest assured that your boyfriend is doing the right thing by focusing on his recovery and following the recommendations that have been made for him.  You will have a much improved partner when his recovery gets stronger to the point where he may consider being home with you again.  With him using substances your relationship probably wouldn't survive, in the final analysis.  Keep in touch with him and support him all the way.

Hope this helps,
Peter