Expert: Veronica C. Yost - 2/24/2009

Question
I have a 41 year old brother who started drinking and hiding it before he was twelve.  I'm only a year older than him, and he hid it from me as well as my parents.  In his 20s he married and had two kids.  That marriage ended for many reasons, but two that his ex-wife stated was that he was drinking and had hurt his back in an industrial accident and thought he was using way to much medication for pain.  When our family has talked to him about it he just says it's about an ex-wife being vindictive.  Then he remarried had two more kids and became the house where the police made frequent stops because he now how a wife who liked to drink with him.  They were both drunk all the time.  When she wanted to get sober they divorced.  My brother found another girl.  This one was unable to have kids so as a family we were very happy.  With this girl he stopped smelling like alcohol, but picked up a few problems with the police - domestic violence being one.  Because of that his kids aren't allowed to visit him at his house.  He needs to come to them.  As a parent, I don't blame my ex sister-in-laws.  So, he now doesn't have any relationship with his kids.  His phones are frequently disconnected and he wont call us or his kids.  He's financially scraping by on disability and is upset about not being able to see his kids, but he won't write a letter, send e-mail or find a way to call.  I've invited him over and he says he'll come and then I can't find him the next day after he hasn't shown up.  My parents keep making excuses for his behavior.  He has one child with some real abandonment issues, but he blames his ex-wife for the problem and my parents do a little too.  
If he isn't on drugs, then he's doing this on purpose and is one of the most heartless people I've ever met.  I have a hard time believing that the guy who would go out of his way for any of his friends would do this to his kids unless there was a real problem.  How do I find out?  When I talk to him, he just says absolutely not, I don't do drugs.  But, his girlfriend's brother who sleeps at their house all the time has been in jail for drugs.  She's had problems with it and doesn't work.  It gives her headaches.  
I've told his ex-wife to give my family the visitation she would normally give my brother so that the kids get to at least interact with their cousins and extended family.  I'm just so sick of the crap that comes from my brother and the excuses I get from my parents.  What can I do?

Answer
Hello Chris,
 Everyone who does drugs denies it.  They have many of the issues that you described and frequently are heavy drinkers.  The drinking comes into play when money or drugs are unavailable.  If he is not drinking and his life is spiraling out of control still he probably does having something else swirling through his body and life.  

 What type of drugs did his friend go to jail for?  The type of drug does shed light on what he is doing.  Each person reacts differently to drugs.  I lost everything but no one ever knew I was high.  I have seen people on drugs that were obviously high.  Some who are functioning members of society.  Everyone is different but ultimately they all will end up the same way.  If you can tell me what his friend was arrested with I can tell you if this is the behavior (for that drug) your brother is exhibiting.

 It is terrible that children and family are always the victims of any addiction.  Family is really all children have and it is unfortunate that a child feels abandoned.  Of course if the other parents won't let you see the children you can always get court orders of visitation.

 Parents will be parents and if they defend him don't cause additional stress by arguing with them.  It is their child and only natural they defend him.

 Please respond with the answer to above question and I will get back with you today.  I will also tell you what you can do about him.

God Bless,
Veronica