Expert: Caroline West - 2/26/2009

Question
I have a now adult child (22) with an addiction to oxycontin, lortab and street heroin.  He first received treatment at age 17 and again last year.  His addictions have progressively gotten more dangerous.  In the past he has been in IOP, residential and medical detox treatment.  He seems to do okay for the first couple of weeks out of treatment but then becomes unwilling to do what it takes to stay clean.  Monday of this week he told me that he needs help.  He called a medical detox/residential treatment facility and had a bed for today.  When his father and I tried to get him ready to go, he refused saying that he changed his mind.  No matter how much we begged and pleaded he would not go to treatment.  In the recent past (because we suspected he was using again) we told him that he either had to go into treatment or leave our home.  Are we making the right decision to force him to leave our home since he will not go for treatment?  We have another son at home and of course, our entire family is affected.  My addicted son has never had to pay any real consequences because of his use.  I don't understand why he uses.  We have been a close family and always make sure that he knows he is loved.  Please give me some guidance.  I feel as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

Answer
Hi Alecia,

Its a difficult position you are in and I see that so I will do my best to look at things from all angles.

Its very difficult to get someone into treatment who doesn't want to go there and thats their choice but all that tells me is that your son is not yet ready to tackle his addictions-he hasn't hit his rock bottom yet and no one can know when that will be.

Begging him,crying to him,pleading with him,as heart breaking as it is for you,it won't sadly make any difference. The pull of the drug,unfortunately,always wins over all logic,love and reason.

Yes your whole family will be affected for sure.Its not just the addict that suffers but its those around him,his immediate family who are hurting too and it ends up being a very stressful environment.

Giving him that ultimatum to get into treatment or leave home may or may not do the trick-I don't know,you don't know and your son doesn't know. All you can do,with such a heavy heart,is give it a go.You mentioned that he had never had to pay any consequences-that just makes it easier for him to continue using so a short sharp shock of being out there on his own may as I said be what brings him back home and ready to accept treatment. But..very sadly it could go the opposite way. He may end up going further down hill and into despair so it is a tough call.

Ask him to leave but with the stipulation that he is welcome back but only if he goes into treatment so leaving that door ajar will make it easier on him and you-but still keep the door almost fully closed so he knows what his place is and what his options are.

One thing I do wish to say which is very important is that not all addicts give up on the first try. It can take several attempts before the person gets off it. I know this personally and with people and friends I know its not that easy at all and most of us tried a long time and many times before we finally quit-and thats just those of us that were successful.

Alecia it is so hard when it comes to addiction.As I said the pull is so,so strong which is why dealers make so much money,thats another topic. The feeling that the drugs give,and I am not going to lie to you,is nice but there comes a point where the initial 'joy' of having a bit for the Euphoria is short lived because addiction sets in and the person then uses only to feel normal. The deeper into addiction the harder it can be. So..give him that ultimatum-but one thing I am going to make you aware of is that if he chooses to not go into treatment and doesn't come home,I can guarantee that he will be phoning you for money,without a doubt so on those occasions,as hard as it will be,do not give him any money. He will then throw abuse at you so just put the phone down.

Give it a go Alecia thats all you can do because you also have to think about the welfare of your other family members. I know he is your child but he has to start taking some responsibility.

Do please let me know how its going and if there is anything else at all I can do and you wish to ask then feel free to write in. All the best, Caroline