Expert: Veronica C. Yost - 2/3/2009

Question
QUESTION: I will try to make this short. To begin with there are no Nor-Non meetings here in my area, I have tried Alon-Non, and I know a drug is a drug, but every meeting I have been in is trying to teach people how to deal with their spouse, or parnet or child on alchol. When the people find out I am there because of a drug addict son, they make me feel worse for going in there than I did when I went into the meeting.
Now for a brief summary of what I am dealing with. My son is a crack addict, he has indead come a long way he was once shooting cocaine, it has been 6 years since he used the needle. But he is now smoking crack and weed. He will go for 4 weeks to 12 weeks in between use of crack but "says" he smokes weed so he don't have to do crack. Which is BS in my opinion. Then he just up and goes on crack binges for 24-72 hours, naturally losing everything ( money, cell phone, cameras, game system, etc...) Then the 4-12 weeks he is clean from crack he has a bitter attitude and complains about his losses. Complains about how he messed up and how sorry he is, then he is the best child you could ask for. So my question is..
1. What makes them go back?
2. Will they ever come completely clean?
3. What is the best way for a mother to handle it? Keep in mind, I do not give him money, but I do provide him a place to live and food. I also do not have the money to put him in rehab.
4. When do I draw the line and make him move out?
If it were a brother, boyfriend or husband, he would be gone, but my child makes me worry more ways than one. I worry if he is cold, I worry if someone has hurt him, I worry if he has hurt someone for the drugs, I worry if he is hungry. Please send me some answers. I need hope.


ANSWER: Hi Karen,
I am sorry that you have to go through this.  I completely understand both sides of what you are going through.  I will first try to answer the questions that you have asked (these are not simply answers either) and then I will offer you some solutions.  

1. Your son goes back because he can't help himself.  Crack (basically) shuts down chemical productions in the brain and in turn when the brain needs a boost of these chemicals it forces the "user" to no longer be able to go on without it.  Meaning, all day and all night (evening dreaming) the craving is so severe it becomes unbearable.  This leads to a relapse of drug abuse.  The urge is similar to the urge you have to help him and feeling there is nothing you can do.

2. I will be honest here.  Even if your son went to rehab he would probably relapse.  3% of the crack population will successfully get off of it.  They have a nice name for this drug: Black Death.  Says a lot doesn't it.  Your son CAN get clean and has demonstrated that he can do it for short periods of time.  The problem is 4-12 weeks.  That is when it becomes crucial to stay away from it.  I will talk about why pot plays a role in this later.  But, it is not impossible for him.  It's just very, very hard.  I always say it was this hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  And I raised a son with Cerebral Palsy.

3. As a mother I am going to agree with you on this point, if it were a husband, brother or sister they would be gone.  But this is your child and we are charged with their care.  Regardless.  Karen you also have to draw the line.  You aren't giving him money which is EXCELLANT!  I know your frustrated, afraid, confused and desperate for help.  I can try and help you find programs in your area that would help your son and you.  I have often said that I am not an advocate for Narcotics Anonymous (for your son) because I tried that and it turned out to be the greatest drug hook-up ever.  There is no better place to find a drug addict or dealer.  Dealers use the guise of being an addict to infultrate this organization and snatch up recovery addicts.  Keep him away from this org. The best way to handle it is to first know this is your child and he is sick.  Get help for him, I will help you.  I've never done it before but I can talk with you personally and try to help.  

4. I know you trying to be brief but I need a little more information about your son.  How old is he?  What is the city and state you live in?  So, I can get some program and rehab (free or low cost) Does he work?  You won't know when to draw the line because you understandidly have blinders on.  But you still see what he is doing.  I can respond more on this with additional information.

NOW.  Yes a drug is a drug but all drugs effect the user and the family differently.  Groups that don't deal strickly with drug (crack, heroine, morphine etc) aren't going to help.  I believe even the groups for "drug" addiction are going to cause you to jump steps and react in a non-appropriate manner.  When someone doesn't have crack they will turn to Alcohol or Pot.  Sometimes they will snort cocaine to help them come down from crack slower.  And it is not bull-shit.  Pot actually does help with the desire for crack.  The problem is he is only masking the problem, exchanging addictions.  As you have seen it doesn't help for long.  

Selling, stealing, lying, hate, anger etc go hand in hand with addiction.  Drug dealers will take anything in exchange for drugs.  The bitterness is something that pops up during withdrawal as is sorrow.  He feels 500 different feelings all at once and really does have moments were he knows that has to stop but he just can't and this turns into bitterness and anger.  

During my binges I would stay up for 3 days to 30 days.  You don't eat or drink and definitely don't sleep.  I can't tell if he is at the point of committing criminal acts or hurting someone without knowing the length of time he has been on crack.  These things do and more than likely will happen as the addiction progresses.  I know he is the best child you could ever want but think of it like this...generally when a woman is abused by her husband she lives everyday in fear of what next.  But she stays.  Why?  Because she and her husband WILL have some good times together and it's those good times that make her stay.  Waiting for what used to be.  You Karen are that woman and your son is the abuser.  What you are going through is nothing short of mental abuse.  It's not your son doing this too you it's crack.  

If you feel that you have to make him leave I can offer a very hard choice for you.  Right now you can always talk with your local police narcotics officer and discuss having him picked up with the drugs on him.  He will go to jail and there without access to drugs get another start on getting clean.  He'll never know that it was you.  Or contact me with the information I requested and I help you from my end.  Ask me 5000 questions if you want to.  I do this so I can help and I want to help you help him.  You worry about him being hungry.  He's not.  


Sorry Karen,
I didn't realize that this cut off the rest of my response to you.
There is help out there and I will be hoping that we can get some solutions for you.  Understand that I didn't mean to sound haress in my response but this drug is horrible and shouldn't be taken lightly.  If anyone one can help him it's you.  I hope to hear from you.

Veronica


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your speedy answer, now to give more information.
My son is 29, he was always a good kid, never in trouble as a teenager, went to college and became close to the drug Cocain, he started snorting and then got into shooting it. He moved away and was gone for about a year working and in school, but I talked with him often this was in 1997-98, then in 1999 I found out he was on drugs, so me unaware of how bad or what kind, basically totally dumb to drugs and their effects I went to see him unannounced. My heart broke, tracks everywhere, his arms, legs even his temple. After nearly getting shot, and much research I went back and his step-dad and I man handled him home. I put a tight rope on him. He done good for awhile. Then one night while at work my youngest son called me, my oldest had ODed. Well I had him commited, but they only keep him 72 hours. That was in maybe 2002, to the best of my knowledge he has never used another needle. I have not seen any signs, no spoons, no splattered blood. The he stayed clean again for awhile, all except for weed. Then I think somewhere around 2003-04 he started snorting coke again the the crack came into the picture. He has been in trouble with the law, but that was my doings, I had an ECO taken out on him, they let him go, then 2 years ago he stoled a gun from another drug addict and I turned him in. After getting once again set free, he became clean, got a job, paid his fines and was doing good. He even met a girl that does nothing, he seemed to be headed right, then in June 08 he relapse, then again in September 08. Then again this pass weekend. He has continued to smoke weed but that was all, I didn't like that either but figured it was not as bad a some of the things. I know I should have kicked him out long ago but he is my son and that is hard to do. I know depression is part of the addiction and so is suicide. He lives with me and his brother and step-dad, his real dad is also a addict, but my son is 29 and I have been married to his step dad for 26 years, so his real dad has never played a role in his life, although I hear addistion can be heritary.
Please send some guidance. Once again thanks for your time
Karen

Answer
Hello again Karen,
God I am so so sorry you are going through this.  I truly am.  My heart breaks for you and your family both as a mother and as a drug addict (even though I am clean from drugs I will never refer to myself as an "ex-addict").  As a mother it is terrible to watch your son kill himself.  I will have to say, you put a smile on my face with the whole tieing him up thing, if my mother were alive when I was addicted would have done the same thing.  I don't know what I would do if I ever saw track marks on my son.  

Anyway, when I spoke of time on crack: I can say with confidence he will hurt someone for this drug if he has to.  Commit crimes or whatever else he needs to do.  He has no control over himself.  Your son is in need of help.  Now.  Have you spoken to your family doctor?
Contact a clinic that specializes in addiction i.e. methodone clinc?
Contact your local depart of health and human services?

Drug Abuse Hopeline: 1-800-662-4375 get you in contact with someone
National Hopeline: 1-800-442-4673 get you in the right direction
www.drugfree.org/intervention
Contact local churches.
Contact your family doctor.
Contact: http://www.choosehelp.com/ebooks/the-complete-guide-to-affordable-drug-alcohol-r (free drug programs.)

I need city and state to get more program information.  Start with these and forward the city and state.  I will get more information for you.

God bless you and your family, you've got a lot on your plate.  I hope you reply soon....Veronica




Karen,
I entered wrong start date for vacation.  Instead of replying  to this entry, locate me again in the all experts list (just like the first time your found me).  Make sure when you send the information you check the box that says PRIVATE.  Then give me the additional information.  I have information that for you that I don't want public.  Talk soon...I do leave on Friday morning and will return on Monday at 9a.
God Bless Veronica