Expert: Caroline West - 3/2/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Caroline,

I have been dating a girl for more than a year and a half now. She used to live in NYC during her college years. Now she is moving back to her home abroad. We just got serious a few months ago, she is now officially my girlfriend. Since we got serious she has opened up to me and has told me that she does cocaine with a specific group of friends. She tells me she knows it's bad for her, but she can't help it if she goes out, drinks and cocaine is available. Yet she knowingly gets into the perfect scenario to fall for it.

Since new years, she has been with her family back home and with me. Here she is away from her NYC friends and the whole party scene, which has helped her stay out of the drug for almost two months with no cravings. But She had to go back to NYC to get her stuff and move out. Before she left, she told me she would do her best not to take drugs, but later that week she calls me and tells me she felt horrible because she failed her promise and took a lot of cocaine with her friends. Two days later she feels 'Ok' again and is willing to go out with her friends to a bar where she knows there will be friends with cocaine available. I order to see just how bad the situation is, I advise her about the damages she is doing to herself, to think about the coke-crash she will get afterward, along with all the withdrawal symptoms. She tells me that I'm right, and that there is nothing else she can say about it. I'm hoping she somehow finds the strength to avoid taking cocaine again, but I'm not fooling myself here, I know that's nearly impossible. But it will give me a decent argument to encourage her to see a specialist. Perhaps she will realize it's out of her control and become more open to seeking help.

To all this, her parents have no clue she is taking cocaine. Since I don't know how the parents will react, I have decided to seek help from a professional than can help her directly. Talking to her parents about it is my last and final option as it might actually make things worse.

In the meantime, before she comes back, I need to get some questions cleared up for my own sake and also prepare my speech so that is effective in getting her with a counselor.

- Given the fact that she only does it in the party scene with her so called 'friends' but that if it is available she can't say no, does it mean she is addicted? if so, how bad could it be?

- Will she, at a party, do anything to get high on coke (such as having sex with a stranger that has coke)? If she has done this, how could I get her into admitting it?

- She did called me to tell me she used, is this a good sign (as compared to lying or hiding it).

- I'm thinking I should leave her, because I have a whole life ahead of me. I want to build a healthy family, I think she is too much of a risk. Nevertheless I want to help her even if I'm no longer her boyfriend, Is this possible?

- Please comment on any further recommendations.

Thank you so much for your time!

ANSWER: Terry Hi,I'll address each part of your letter one by one as there is a lot there and tell you what I think.

Firstly I want to talk to you about your girlfriends drug use. There are three types of drug user 1) experimental-like youngsters and it stays experimental and they usually stop as they grow up. 2)Recreational-where the person uses on occasion such as weekends at a party and 3)Addicted-in this category are those who have a serious every day addiction such as Heroin addiction where the user HAS to use every day. Your girlfriend falls into category 2.

What this is,is a girl who likes to go out on weekends,have a drink with her girlfriends,party and have a good time and snort coke when its available. Thats recreational using. She is not in the throughs of addiction as in category 3. She is part of the party scene and unfortunately in that party scene is cocaine.

Your treating this as if she has a full on addiction and she doesn't. If she was snorting everyday then there would be a problem but she is doing what a lot of people do and thats again part and parcel of the scene she is in and there are drugs there. Its not serious enough that she needs help ONLY if it escalates to more frequent usage. You said she didn't use for a couple of months and she didn't have withdrawal symptoms and she wont because her use is not that deep.

Please don't say anything to her parents as it will cause a lot of worry on their part and there isn't enough cause for concern. I'm not minimalizing this Terry,I am just telling you how it is. She doesn't need a councilor again unless its every day-she is basically going out with her mates and having a good time.

She will experience a 'come down' but its not interfering with her life-its the after party blues and yes she will feel better in a couple of days and then ready to do it all again. While she is with her 'friends' she is going to keep doing it and then you will plead with her to stop,she tells you what you need to hear and then do it again and its going to carry on like this.

As for doing 'anything' to get coke-I don't know. Sleeping with other men again I don't know but what I do know is when someone has a drink it lowers their inhibitions and more susceptible to using which then lowers inhibitions further so she may go out with all intent and purposes to not use but after a couple of drinks she is more vulnerable to it.

Terry its not up to you to stop her-you have tried and you will keep on trying and she will keep on doing and so the circle continues until either she stops for good or you leave. You mentioned just that about leaving her and I personally feel thats what you feel you want to do.

You identified that you have your whole life ahead of you and yes you do need to be with someone who does not use drugs,recreationally or otherwise in order to have a stable home life and a good influence on an impeding family. Give up trying to help her. You can only help a person if they want to be helped and it seems she doesn't and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I hear this so many times and I have had this type of issue too and its no matter what you say or do it won't change and its a waste of time.

So you have a couple of choices-accept her for the way she chooses to have fun and that acceptance will no longer plague you OR leave and move on. From what you have said it seems you are a sensible person who is looking forward to his future and that is the complete opposite with anyone who uses drugs-all they think about is instant gratification whereas you are looking long term so there already is a conflict of interests.

You decide Terry. I have given you enough insight I hope to help you make the right decision and i think you will make the best choice because you are smart.

Anything else you would like to talk about and ask then please feel free to contact me again and I will do my best to help you further.

Best wishes, Caroline  





---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your answer Caroline,

I understand from your reply, that I should only worry and attempt to convince her to see a specialist if she does cocaine on a daily basis and not just on the party scene. Else, I should not worry. But, from what I have researched on the subject, sooner or later 90% of the people who are in stage 2 end up in stage 3. As every cocaine intake it does some irreversible damage to the neurotransmitters in the brain, slowly but surely. And the problem is that every user thinks they are part of that 10% who will make it out.

Also, if she says she won't do it and does it, to me that's an addiction. One can truly prove to be a non-addict if one can say no, even in the most unfavorable scenario. I believe that if I wait until she's in stage 3, it will probably be too late to help her anyways, as there will already be some major brain damage involved, a new neuro-circuitry that revolves around cocaine.

My plan is to approach the subject as having her see a specialist, not to treat a 'problem', but rather, as to have a talk with an expert in the subject. Where she can learn where she's at and where she will be in some years if she continues her 'recreational' drug use. If she agrees to go to these 'one to one' talk sessions (as I would sell it to her), perhaps she will be open to the idea and, with time, open her eyes to her situation. I know it's a far cry, but I believe now is the time to act and not a moment later. I'm however, clear on the fact that this is out of my control, and that if she doesn't make the right choice, then I must make mine right.

Therefore I have an important question: If her case were your case (picture yourself in stage 2), being where you are now, would you have wished someone special had tried to pull you out before you got really addicted?

Thank you very much for the insight, I guess one can only prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Please comment, your opinions on my thoughts are very important!

Best Regards,

Terry

Answer
Hey Terry,

I can see that you are very worried about this girl and you think a lot of her and want to do right by her.

Statistics can vary from place to place where you read it from and I would dispute that percentage rate. There are many,many people that use on the weekends and leave it at that and continue to function on a day to day basis and in their jobs.Not all recreational users end up as full blown Heroin,Crack,Coke addicts.

As far as the damage to Nuero-transmitters in the brain and the like-I wont dispute that. All drugs cause negative affects on the body and it is best to stay away from them altogether. What I was trying to say to you was more from a general social standpoint in that people will use recreationally whether me or you like it.

I was also trying to say is that she is not physically addicted to it and I would also say emotionally addicted because she was fine on those two months you spent together.

I just want to quickly say this again that you should not tell her parents yet as it will cause them a lot of worry and if you can get her helped without them knowing then you will spare a lot of heart ache.

If you feel that she really needs professional help then take her to see a specialist but make sure its one that has expertise in the field of addiction so maybe find help and advice from your local Drug & Alcohol Services/Team or a referral to such a person via your Doctor. It could do her good to hear the harm she is doing to herself and help her to make wise choices. I cant say that she will or will not end up in the throughs of serious addiction and you can't judge that either but taking her to a few sessions of therapy could do her good,you too aswell in that it will ease your mind somewhat.

Do the best you can by her which you are doing and hopefully it will turn out positive but also don't get disappointed if you can't help her in the way you want to because she may not be ready to accept the help.

I wish you all the best and hope it all turns out as you are hoping it to. If you want to ask about anything more then I am here and you can contact me again. Take care, Caroline.