Expert: Gareth Stubbs - 2/17/2009

Question
Recently my x-wife and my daughter had moved back from new Mexico . Well she just told me 3 weeks ago she moved back to get clean . It started off good she went to a meeting . However lately she has disappeared at night while I'm at work . She has used pot since high school we are in our thirties now . I am having trouble dealing with the emotion part of helping her because we have a daughter . I want to help her if possible , but the constant arguing over money and wondering if she is still using crack is hard to deal with . She says she wants to have a relation ship again but I'm not sure if that is good or not . I've noticed she developing friends like strippers and old friends in the drug seen .I still love her allot and want my daughter to have a sober mom . What is my moral obligation to her and to keeping my daughter stable . Do I approach this with a straight forward this is how it is going to be approach or do I work with her on all these issues .Maybe be I still blinded by my feelings for her .  

Answer
Hey Ron,

Having been on both sides of what you are explaining, as a “using” husband and then in a relationship with an addict, I can totally relate to what you are presently going through. By the sounds of it, her behaviour seems to indicate that she is acting in those old ways, and as a dad, you want what is best for your daughter and for her to be in a stable environment.

As a dad, you would have the moral obligation, like you say, of keeping your daughter safe and stable. Your wife has been to meetings you say, so she should have some idea of what the process is – I may sound harsh on this front, but it is the only thing that worked with me even though at the time it seemed “wrong” – my family told me that if I wanted to keep my children, then I would need to stick to certain rules – in other words, I had to attend meetings, I had to stay clean and so on. It was for my safety and for the safety of my children – however, being an addict, I thought I knew better and did it for a while but kept “slipping out” and I got found out and the rest is history. My ex-wife did what she needed to do in order to keep herself and the children safe, and now when I look back at losing them, it was the best thing that happened to me as it made me realise what I was doing to myself. After my divorce, I got into a relationship with an addict who I later found out was using a huge amount of prescription drugs and I was forced to do pretty much the same thing – lay down rules that I needed to keep me safe. It was hard, very hard, and it made me see what my family had gone through with me.

Your daughter needs one “normal” parent and if it means that you need to lay down some rules, then I would do that. You do love your wife, that is natural, so you will feel “blinded” by your feelings because there will be times when, if she is still using, that she will plead with you – in my experience, as hard as it is, I would suggest your rules. Maybe also try and go to an Al-Anon Meeting, although personally, having been an addict, I am not a fan of them, but there may be some stuff you could learn from there.

I hope that helps, and if you need to chat or someone to speak to, please feel free to mail me and I will be more than happy to get back to you.

Gareth