Expert: Caroline West - 2/24/2009

Question
good day,  my son is 23 he has been doing drugs since he was about 12,  he has done rehab twice, it has been about 5 years since the last time.  he lives with his dad, sister, they are completely disguisted with him. i offered him a place to stay, with the stipulation that he goes to aa.   what do you think?

Answer
Hello hconsiglio,

Ita always difficult when there is a member of the family who is on drugs as it not only affects the user but it has a knock on affect to the rest of the family also.

Rehabs are not always the 'saviour' or 'curer' they are portrayed as and I am not the only one in this field who feels that they are ineffective. So don't think its the answer and thats not your sons fault.

I can only imagine if he has been dabbling since the age of 12 what he must be like-pretty unpleasant if his Dad and Sister are disgusted with him.

There really is no easy way out of this and a user cannot stop using or being addicted because a family member wants them to be-it doesn't work like that but the conditions you have laid out are not unreasonable,your doing your best. Also,to mix things up even more,AA/NA have really negative reviews because they are GOD based in the disguise of a 'Higher power' and that is the only way to get clean and sober-to,take away all personal responsibility,and believe only a power out of oneself is the only 'saviour' and I and many are not a fan of them. But unfortunately there are not many alternatives.

One thing that will help him is if he gets in touch with his local Drug & Alcohol Service to get proper medical and psychological help-thats the first step. So instead of using going to AA/NA as the stipulation,how about getting him instead to make an agreement to be involved with the local service as the alternative?

Other alternatives and again you can use these as alternate stipulations is that he gets in touch with a couple of really good on line services. One is www.smartrecovery.org which is a good place to get treatment and help with addictions. www.toolstolife.com which is a 90 day life coaching website (and its free) that will help build his confidence and more so but he has to do it. And then there is an on line alternative to AA/NA which is SOS-'save our selves' and you can access that support group by going into Yahoo! Groups and entering SOS in the search section. So if you can get an agreement from him to use these sites actively,then he can come and live with you. AA/NA may work for him but it can be a bit cultish-SOS is an alternative.

I wish you and your son all the best and if you want to write in about anything else,maybe problems you may face when he comes back to live with you,then feel free to write in. Also...ask your son if he would talk to me and I can offer him some advice. Take care, Caroline.