Expert: Gareth Stubbs - 2/11/2009

Question
hi
this is regarding my boyfriend.i want to know if he is an addict...il give ui a brief about his weed smoking pattern..he has been doing it for the last 8 years and initially it was occasionally but the second year it was daily and it bacame worse coz he was staying with his friends and did it daily like abt 10-15 joints with friends sharing and for the last 3 years that is since i know him he has been doing it on a daily basis and in what i have seen the first 6 months it was about 5 joints in the weekend and he would do it thrice on weekdays but thats just for the forts 6 months of kowing him but later it became worse..it was like one or two joints in weekdays and 5-6 on weekends it goes up depending if he has more compnay..and i have to mention that he has beaten me up brutally innumerable times when i have stopped him from doping or when i asked him not go with his friends who dope or when i have asked him to spend more time with me...he has been telling me for the last 3 years that he will quit but he is the same and instead beat me up and now says he doesnt want me anymore coz im an hindrance to his life with dope and friends...and i also am curious to kow if doping distorts a perosns emotions? coz he is not the smae anymore, earlier he was a little lovng but now he is like a devil he wouldnt care even if im dead...there were times when he has beaten me up so brutally and immediately doped with his friends, i wonder if any normal human would do that...a normal person would have felt guilty and atleast not done it for that day, but he does it the very next min..the reaosn why i have a doubt if he is normal is coz he is very irriated when he wakes up in the morning and this is the time when he beats me or yells at me really bad and verbally abuses me for the any small issue.and he has beaten me up in the public as well like he has kicked me and slapped me for reaosns like me stopping him from going to see his dopist friends or any other issue like me asking directions from some one on the road  and once he takes a joint he is all calm and more nice...and he gets very angry, he doenst have patince. suppose we go out to a restaurant and if there is a delay in the food arriving he gets so restless and tries to pull up a fight with the guy there..but when he is doped he is very calm..is he restless and irritaed when he doenst take it coz of the addiction or is it genetical? could it be that he is short tempered in nature?im so confused in trying to judge this person coz i want to know what his future will be like..will he ever quit and even if he does will he be normal..and the main thing that makes me wonder if he is addict or not is that, unlike other addicts he is not irresponsible about his work..he goes to work regularly and in that duration of 98 hours he is at work he doesnt think of doing it..well i kow he used to do it at work also before but since he got promoted he doenst do it at work..maybe once in a month he does it when he is at work...but i heard that a typical addict will do it at work also. but he does it as soon he gets home....i dont know how he controls at work..pls pls tell me if he is an addict and if he can ever improve..infact i brokeup with him and went away for 2 months and he told me that he never did it in that 2 months but when i came back i saw him doing the same so i dont know if he ever gave it up.pls advise

Answer
Hey Angel,

First of all, my apologies for the delay in answering your question as I had one of those days yesterday where time just seemed to fly past.

It sounds like you have had a rough time, and in my opinion, it does sound like your boyfriend has a problem with his weed smoking, as one of the most common traits of an addict is the affect that the drug has on a person – in other words, the way that it changes them, so by this fact alone, I would say that he is addicted. A common misunderstanding with many addicts is the fact that they do not do it at work, or “all the time” – if he is enjoying his job and doing well, whilst he is at work, he may not get the urge to smoke because his mind is occupied with other things and this could explain why he does not do it. The fact that he is irritated and impatient or angry when he has not smoked is also a sign that he has a problem, and with him turning violent and beating you up, and also saying some of the things that he has said to you also point towards that fact, which is also one of the reasons why he is restless and irritated when he does not smoke – he needs his “fix”

The saddest thing about addicts is that, even though it is possible to recover, they can only do so if they want to, and not if anyone else wants them to. For him, and I speak from experience, he may not see (right now) that he has a problem, so therefore if anyone mentions it to him, he will lash out and become angry and defensive. I remember back to when I was bad on drugs – I said things and did things that I would never ever normally do, and hurt people I love a great deal, but at the time, because I did not think that I had a problem, I just could not see what I was doing and as far as I was concerned back then, they were the problem and not me, however, once I started to realise that things were bad, I was actually very ashamed of what I had done, but it was only because I knew I needed to get better that I started to see these things. So to answer one of your questions, he can improve but only if he has the desire to. Also, if he is around people that do this constantly, he will not see it as being a problem because they are also doing it, which would make it harder as well.

To answer some of your other questions – yes, doping does distort peoples emotions and over time, it does have a negative impact on them. His restlessness and irritation, from what you have said, do appear to be a sign of his smoking because, in my opinion, things like these are not genetic as we have ways of “learning and controlling” them so from what you have said, I would say they are because of the weed.

The fact that he has gone from someone who was “loving” to “like a devil” and the way that he has been treating me are not something that a “normal” person would do, and if you have broken up with him, even though part of you may still love him, I would look after myself because one day, he may get “too violent” with you if you know what I mean, and you do not deserve that in your life, especially after the way that he has been treating you. When I read your question, it brought a few tears to my eyes because it reminded me how I must have made my family and friends feel when I was really ill, so from my perspective, I would recommend that you consider your situation and try and take the best care of yourself.

I hope that this has answered some of your questions and concerns, and if you need any more information or someone to talk to, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me and I will be more than happy to offer you any suggestions or comments.

Take care

Gareth