Expert: Veronica C. Yost - 3/20/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Veronica,

WOW... I have been reading and reading and reading hoping to find "the answer".  I have found many, many similarities, underlying threads of actions that somehow "duplicate" what was done to me, but, somehow and yet heart-wrenching (for me at least) no one's story is quite like mine.  I am so sick of feeling this sorry and sad and lonely that I have no other idea what to do, except to "reach out to someone" who may have an answer, idea or at least an avenue to explore for me... Here is my story, sad, but true...He never stole, robbed, theatened, beat or scared me into anything.  he never contributed to anthing either.  What was mine was mine, what was his was his and if he didn't have anything "left over" he didn't expect me to supply it to him.  He had "friends"...young, addicted, sick, whores, drunks, addicts....but never "put me in harm's way".  Came and went in and out of my life as his "whims" permited.  he was addicted to crack/pot/boozes (that I know of).  Our only arguments stemmed from him "being married" to someone who lived out of state... constant phone calls from her and a former girlfriend "he owed money too" and the fact he did crack...those were most of our arguments.  I do know he lied to me about some of his actions and where-about's at times.  He has a strained relationship with his sisters and his aged parents "supported" him with "gas money" from time to time, but can no longer help since his mom is dead and his father gave power of attorney over to one of his sisters.  He lost his home, car, job and never took me out "on dates" so to speak, but then again, I never was one to "expect princess treatment" so I didn't mind.  He does have "felonies", he has spent time in both jail and prison.  He always claimed he "loved me" and wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me", but somehow, down deep, I didn't "buy it" mostly judging from his actions NOT his words... so I left, I dissappeared into the sunset when he least expected me to "take off".  The only conversation we had he accused me of running like his ex-girlfriend did (with his 2 kids) to "get laid" (as he put it) BUT that wasn't the case at all, I took off because I didin't see a future with him.  I did receive a voice mail message later one in the same week he claimed "he loved and missed me", but that was to let me know I left him, he loves me, cares for me and misses me, but that this time for him it's "DIFFERENT" and that we need to go one with our lives since I wouldn't move to another state with him.  Veronica....we have been on and off for over 2 years, always had at least a phone number to address to reach eachother with...this time neither of us know where the other is living, working and phone numbers are restricted.  IS HE GONE???  AND MORE IMPORTANTLY...is he REALLY changing his life around for the better?  I feel like at this point he is, but it's without me and somehow NOW I feel like I was used all along while he had nothing, but at least me to fall back on when he was "trying to act straight".  Am I wrong for feeling this way OR is it true that addicts use and abuse people without ever feeling remorse?  Any help at all with understand what happened to me and all the love and feelings I gave him that amounted to nothing at this point will be greatly appreciated.  We are both in our mid 40's by the way.

ANSWER: Hello,
 With the statement, "What was mine was mine, what was his was his".  Should I assume that you were/are using also?  
 Addicts need someone to enable them, either another user or someone to use.  Emotions displayed by addicts are never true.  There is always another motive behind everything that is done and said.  Relationships with family are always strained so that is not surprising.  It sounds to me like you, on some level, really know this is a nothing relationship.  Perhaps your self esteem is so low that you are willing to love a crack addict.  This is a mistake.  There are plenty of men out there who aren't addicted to drugs or alcohol.  
 Addicts love to tell people they are going to get their life back on track.  Common statement made to cause sympathy and to keep their enabler from disappearing.  It all goes back to drugs.  Yeah you were used.  Addicts don't feel ANY remorse for their actions.  This is because they are not thinking on their on, the drug thinks for them..in everything.  It is number one and always will be.  The only time I felt remorse for my crappy was after I was clean.  That takes 1 year or more.  Everyday that he is not on crack it is all he thinks about.  I still think of it occassionally even after all this time.  It never truly goes away.
 3% of crack addicts that stop without treatment will actually succeed and recover.  I quit cold turkey w/o rehab.  I moved myself to the middle of nowhere-w/o a car.  97% of addicts will relapse over and over again.  Rehab would have to be a 6 month program.  
 You need to quit thinking about this loser.  I was a loser, he's a loser, they're all losers.  While living in Detroit, Philadelphia the dealers and users called crack "black death".  Not everyone can beat death, at least this death.  He doesn't sound like a man with a strong disposition/personality, that makes it harder for him to stop.

 Let me know if you have additional questions.  Please don't be offended if I misunderstood the first statement you made.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Veronica,

Thank you for your response.  No, I don't use, never did what I meant was my car, money  and possessions were mine, he never asked me for any of those things nor did he ever steal from me.  Anything I did give or offer to him, I do so without any expectation of him returning it to me.  so I found it difficult to believe I was enabling him in some way, other then maybe I was his "clean" friend and used me to try to live without the drug at times.  He didn't know anyone else who didn't use besides me NO ONE, that's sad.  Well I guess the only thing left on my mind about this whole crazy thing is when does an addict stop using people and disappear, when do they decide they can't use OR doesn't want to use the person anymore?  it would seem logical to me, that if I could get my "needs" met on any level, I would want to stay in or around that person as long as I could, make sense?  Anyway...do I have to worry about him contacting me anymore at this point?  It's been over 3 months and I don't want to have to worry about a future unexpected phone call from someone who acted in the manner he did.  Thanks again

ANSWER: Well that's good to hear, you didn't sound like a user but I didn't want to assume.  Thanks for clearing that up.
If you did give him a dollar-that's enabling.  An addict only stops using and disappears when they have found another "better" way of obtaining the drug.  Typically they don't have people around them who don't use, besides family or a friend.  They will cut themselves off from those types of individuals.  They don't want to be around someone who would stop them from using in their presence.  When you would talk/argue about his drug use this put you in that catagory.  
He may contact you again and he may not.  They are unpredictable and getting the drug may become harder for one reason or another.  This would make him start drawing on old friendships.  
 Every addict cycles through different levels of addiction.  Each level will lead to the next.  All depends on the amount of time they have been using.  Some people go through levels quickly and others slowly-but they will go through each.  The letter below is an addict who is beyond help, his symptoms showed me this.
 Let me know if you have other questions!

Below is a letter I received from someone that you might get some information from:

Hello Yvette,
It is unusual that someone who has been smoking that long can go without the drug for 6 weeks.  More than likely he is using in that 6 week period, just not as much.  When a crack addict does not get the drugs required (by his brain) it causes symptoms LIKE depression.  I recall appearing to have those symptoms but what is actually going on is he has no money, no drugs and is plotting a way to get both.  All that we do is with no other goal than to manipulate those around us in order to get crack.  This may be hard to believe because of how he is presenting it to you.  Sympathy is a power tool to an addict.  He does at some level not want to lose you but don't ever think that you are more important than this drug.  It has consumed his life and his brain's ability to produce Seratonin.  That which gives normal people happiness, enjoyment, pleasure, pain etc.  The brain stops producing this chemical early in the addiction and the user no longer feels "normal" without crack.  His brain needs this chemical and tells him he needs it so therefore he can't live without it.  When the brain takes over the addiction he has no desire to eat, drink or sleep.  There is no sense of fear, danger, right or wrong.  He will do anything to get the drug.  I sold my own body for this crap (crack).  
When you found him on the street, as with the rest of the time you've known him high, that is not him.  That is the ugly face of addiction.  It is all that is left of who you know.  But I can say this, the attitude that he showed is not one of the drug crack.  That attitude comes from another drug like heroine.  Many addicts will "switch up" to a cheaper drug that has a longer lasting high.  I know that is troubling but he has made a choice (really not him-brain).  Trying to help him now is going to be the hardest thing to do.  He doesn't really want help, it's been too long.  If he were to get help it would have to be a 6 month program where he is locked up and monitored.  Then you are looking at 1 1/2-2 years true recovery time.  His desire to get high will NOT go away for that long.  I still have the urge to get high and it's been over 2 years for me.  
I don't believe that you are capable of helping him.  He needs professional help.  If he stops, relapse is nearly inevitable.  Only 3% of the population of crack addicts ever stop using.  Relapse will occur with any "trigger" i.e. stress, happiness, television, radio, areas of town, people, certain clothes he wore getting high, tire pressure gauges, dreams, carpet...etc, you think I am kidding I am not.  The list goes on and on.  What he has seen, heard, tasted, watched will come back if it was at a time getting high.
My opinion is he is too far gone and barely has the fight in him to survive trying to recover.  Yes, we will gladly die for crack/getting high.  Many try and many more fail.  Crack addicts call this beautiful crap, BLACK DEATH.  What more can I say?  What is going through his mind is here in this message.  This is only a small part and is larger than I could ever describe.  If he doesn't get professional help he will be dead.  I am sorry but if he is that thin he will probably be gone from you within 6 months.  He is in a darker place than I can describe and I apologize to reiterating things but it pains me to hear another person will/could be lost to crack.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Veronica...uhm...I don't know what to say or think or feel right now, honestly!  Um, reading the letter you attached here for me to "better" understand him or his addiction only made my head spin worse.  Here are the facts I know (if it will make a difference??? I am unsure)  He has a life time of failed relationshipsh (both women/friends/family)  he hasn't a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of yet end's up on his feet each and every time without blemish...... he is working and living in another state unscathed by what tumoril he left behind in his former state of residence (home, job, friends, life).  He got this "dynamite job" from a buddy's connection he made while in jail recently and jumped on it while he was "conning me into moving out there with him"--and he didn't give a rat's ass about how that move would effect my life.  He is pompus and arrogent and left everyone in the wind to "take care of himself" by taking this job (in another state).  He somehow doesn't need the "gas money" or "food money" from his parent's or parent's friends anymore (all over the age of 80 mind you)...he somehow doesn't need to check in daily with his "friends" the one's he protected for so long... he seems more then able to take care of himself with only $7 bucks in his pocket, no girl and a job that is out of the norm he is used to ($700 a week verses $6000 a week)...(he is in construction and took a job being a "fisherman" on a boat)  He has managed to escape paying ANY of his fines for Drunk Driving, escaped his bailbond's man (owe's over $5,0000 to him as of yet) and 2 lawyers totaling $10,000 combined.  Yet he is "safe" and living life like "Reily".  Please help me get a grip...help me understand how he went from nothing to something OVERNIGHT on the coat tails of those who cared and CAN MANAGE TO EVEN ELUDE THE LAW for long, very long period's of time without ever having a scab on his body to show for his life-style.  Liars? theifes? scam artis you / they call themselves??? REALLY????  I call you and all of them (recovering OR not) Brilliant!!!!  If I don't pay my cable bill for 6 days over it's due date  THEY SHUT ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!  But yet... an addict can live on the outskirts of life without ever paying ANY KIND of PRICE????  Please, Please explain this to me...inquiring minds want to know!!!!  I have hope that through MY PAIN & Suffering & STUPIDITY!!!!----That someone, somewhere may learn and live from it.  Thanks!

Answer
Well Carla,
 The only thing that I can offer is my own experience and the experiences of many many other addicts.  No one ever stops being an addict, it's life long.  People who are addicts can maintain a certain lifestyle and there are multiple ways to do this.  When I had no job I worked for several dealers as a mule.  Transporting drugs from one state to the next.  It is good money and the drug flows freely.  You can work with a Narcotics Bureau to have your own charges removed while working undercover and being paid to do so.  The DEA utilizes people in this capacity all the time.  The fact that he has a job and makes money doesn't mean he's not using.  Are you in touch with family and friends checking up on him?  How he is doing etc?  Have you yet asked why you continue to seek a man that clearly doesn't want to seek you?  I am not being nasty, just asking the hard questions here.
 You obviously have feelings for him but you need to see that what he had promised is not going to come to realization.  When someone says they want to spend their life with you - they don't leave and not ever return.  Carla, you need to quit beating yourself up about this guy, he really isn't worth it.  I can't make you pull the information out that I offered.  I tried to tell you what an addict does and you still question the answer.  You borderline protect his behavior and actions.  It can't be that!  It can't be what he is doing.  Your angry, hurt, suffering, bitter, hopeful, loving and caring.  People never learn Carla, the lover's and the user's.  They ping pong back and forth with each other.  Who pray tell can learn when you won't even come to terms with it all.  Everything I have read from you screams denial.  You are not alone.  Why are you holding out hope for him to come back?  You want things to be normal?  That won't happen.  He'll always be an addict even if he recovers and anything can trigger his addiction again.
 Money can flow freely to US addicts, while using.  Many ways to get money and drugs.  I am not a typical addict.  I spend my days helping families of addicts because the addiction is a disease and families suffer too.  I don't know how many of me are out there but I do my best to help as many as I can.

 Sorry if I didn't help you understand.  I can only offer the information and you can only read it.