Expert: Veronica C. Yost - 3/21/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi There:
I have been married for 25 years to the same man.  In the last two years he as become addicted to crack.  He has used cocaine recreationally for the last 18 years.  My life has been hell.  He is 55 years old.  He does not work, is home sometimes through the day rarely through the nights.  Not interested in sex, makes promises never keeps them.  He wanted to go to rehab but the wait list was too long gave up and has never mentioned it again.  I work full-time take care of our son and do everything including supporting the family.  He wants our marriage to work says to give him time, he does not want me to leave.  I hate to give up our marriage but the stress, the hurt, the lies etc. are unbearable.  My question is I have to take a serious stance with him.  How do I get him to change and get healthy?  I am giving it one last chance.  We talk about the whole drug thing, he keeps saying you do not understand, we will beat this,give me time but cannot give me a date.  I welcome any advice here.  I am not a drug user and never tried drugs.

ANSWER: Hi Linda,
 I think too much time has passed for there to be any hope.  You need to realize that addicts lie, they don't want to stop using.  The only serious stance you can take is give him the choice-leave or go into rehab that day or the scheduled day.  Whichever you chose.  There are plenty of programs that can get him in right away, if that is the route you want to go.  He doesn't want to leave because you are giving him a free ride!  The one that pays here is you and your son, everyday.  
 You are living a nightmare.  You can wake up or keep dreaming!  If it were me I would send him packing.  You are a self sufficient woman and deserve a lot more than this.  25 years means nothing if you suffer for even one day of it!
 Let me know if you have other questions.  Anytime.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Veronica:
Thank you so so much for your advice. I have been putting up with this for 1.5 years of promises.  Hi cell records show calls to people some are women call for drugs no phone use for 4 hours drug call again etc day and night but mostly on the weekends.I have a bank debt mostly attributed to his using.  He said that he is paying of a 7,000 dollar drug debt by selling drugs and that he is working hard to get git paid off and start his life again.  I am scheduled to see a lawyer next Friday and have to make my mind up by then.  Do you know how I can get him blocked from the bank line of credit.  I went to the bank directly in Canada and they told me that they could not do that because it is a joint account and he is the primary.  I am afraid that when I finally tell that it is over that he will withdraw more money from the line of credit and not be able to stop him.  I have found a resume in my car belonging to a girl 20 years younger than him and I think that he is spending all of his time with her on the weekends.  He calls her at 2:30 in the morning on a Saturday morning she is a bartender and that is where he is for most weekends.  He always says that he is with the guys but I am miles ahead of him.  I do not think that I could trust him again or know what he is doing while I am at work for the next ten years before I retire?  It is so sad, we had everything and where the envy of many friends.  I have a model 19 year old son to whom I would expect to be going through this crap but not my 55 year old husband.  He says that when he does not do drugs he never feels like sex but I doubt that.

ANSWER: It sounds like he's a filthy liar.  He definitely doesn't deserve you.  With the bank line (since in Canada) can you make a large withdrawal and max the account out?  Get money orders and put them away.  If you can do that, get some money and then report the card stolen.  It will shut down the entire account.
Nobody owes a drug dealer that much money and survives.  I lived in that world and a dealer will kill for 300$.  They NEVER let you "work off" a debt.  Work FOR drugs, yes but not very often.  You are seeing a lawyer on Friday? and you said you need to make a decision by then?  There is no decision to make.  Live a good life or a crappy life, your choice.  I know it is hard but you need to consider yourself first (he is).  
Drugs effect the sex drive extremely in one way or the other.  I never wanted it when I was high.  But everyone is different.  I think he is using that as an excuse because he is having sex with someone else.  You shouldn't have sex with him anyway...people in that world have a higher rate of STD's
Hugs to your son for hanging in there.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Veronica:
Great idea I will discuss it with the lawyer on Friday.  He has everything to loose and I have everything to gain.  I wondered about the money too.  I think that it is just a string along tactic.  I have not had sex with him for about 4 months and having worked in an AIDS organization in the past I know all about STD's.  I thought that over time he would come to his senses and realize what he has at home, but it will not happen.  His text messages into his phone from her phone(Ithink that when she is with him she gives her cell phone to someone else) reads..........Hope Jen is feeling better sleep well guys explains it all.  The more I see and hear the less I want him.  He always has dry mouth, is this is the drugs?  He actually had blisters on his lips which were not coldsores either.  I told him a long time ago also that he should never share a pipe but he did tell me that sometimes people want to try it so you give them your pipe.  How sick is that.  Veronica how did you quit drugs?

Answer
The sores on his lips are from stem burns.  The typical user will never share his pipe because of all the residue that lays inside (valuable for when you run out of dope the pipe holds a lot plus the person that would use it can "pull" to hard and suck up your 2nd or 3rd hit) we will let someone pay a fee to use our pipes, about $5 for one use with their own dope not ours.
I was a very heavy user.  Heavier than anyone I ever knew or met.  While living in my dealer's crack house, they usually have a "blood house and the crack house" his 2nd lieutenant (that liked me as a person)pulled me aside one day, sat me down and at this time I weighed 110 lbs and 5'10.  He started crying and said the following to me, "V.  You are dying here.  Understand? This shit is killing you?  I won't watch you die, you don't belong here, you have something special about you and aren't suppose to die like this.  Where is home?  I said Philadelphia.  Who?  My dad.  Give me his number.  (he had a long talk with my dad)  V.  I am putting you on a bus to Philly tomorrow, no more discussion girl.  I said, okay Lala (his gang name) but why are you sending me away?  He said, "You know I have killed a lot of people (he had just gotten out of prison) and caused families a lot of pain.  If I can save just one person maybe God will forgive me for all the wrong I have done.  That's you.  Do something with your life, something important".  I got on a bus (my ticket was in someone elses name so I couldn't cash it in for drugs) and was lucky enough to be saved.  I was smart enough to put myself in 2 places where drugs weren't readily available.  Today all I see is corn and cows in Ohio.  
It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I did it without rehab.  

Thank you for asking me.  No one every has.  I have a couple of what I call counters when I feel the urge to get high.  The main one is forcing my own child to smoke that shit (he was 19) because I didn't want to hide it anymore.  Sickening huh.  It gets worse and I am not proud of anything I have ever done but I have forgiven myself and so has my son.  Thank God.

Thanks again for asking.