Expert: Veronica C. Yost - 3/11/2009

Question
QUESTION: He has been using drugs for 20 years. Specifically, he was using crack 5 to 7 days a week ($400), but I don't know for how many months/years. He assures us he is trying hard to walk the straight and narrow path (for almost 2 months). I see all the signs of his other drug use gone... but I don't know what signs to look for with crack. It seems to be very sneaky. He is very strong, bull-headed and determined in all he does. This is what makes me think he is indeed fighting the addiction. The one thing that raises red flags with me, though, is his daily request for "gas" money. (He does not have a job and lives at home with parents.) I feel like I am betraying him with my doubt when he REALLY needs support and I want so badly to believe in him. He has debts from his past that he tries to payback, a crappy car that needs repairs... I could probably justify the spending if I really, really, REALLY tried... but how do I know he isn't creating new debt with the old habit? How can I know???

ANSWER: Hi Meg,
 I would suggest that you take him at his word...with some exceptions.  Support is important but not financial.  If you want to help him with his fix is car or get gas, you go with him.  Say to him, "Oh, you need gas?  LET'S run up there to get you some".  If he isn't using he won't have a problem with it.  But where is he going with the gas he is given?  Can you follow him?  Have someone else follow him?  Many times when I was out of drug money I would take other people to buy drugs and in return I would get drugs or cash.  It really is a sneaky business these drugs.  
 As far as how can you know?  Changes in behavior, needing cash all the time, disappearing for hours at a time or days, being defensive about everything, constant sob stories etc.  You should always stay cautious which I know you must be.  
 Another thing.  Has he or is he drinking?  That is another sign of trying to come off drugs.  Replacing one addiction with another.  Don't feel bad about doubting him, it's normal and just.  If someone stops crack it can take (as with me) over a year to totally get off the drug.  The desire doesn't stop for that long, I still have my days where I want to get high but I fight it.  
 It's not going to be easy on him or the family.

Let me know if you have further questions.  God Bless!
Veronica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, opinions and experience, Veronica!! It helps to hear from a voice with experience.

We have offered the option of going with him to put gas in the tank, etc, etc... and he gets very upset that we don't trust him. Another story of his is that he needs to pay someone back - needs cash or a check. He has always been very honest, but something in my gut is telling me different this time. Just tonight, he was given $250 (payment for work he had done). Five hours later, he asked for "gas" money and got mad when it was not provided. (Your story about taking others to buy drugs was eye-opening. Something like that never occurred to me!!)

As far as drinking, he has had a few drinks when he first started all of this 1.5 months ago, but I don't think he is drinking regularly.

He was also diagnosed as bipolar 1.5 months ago so the outbursts and anger are hard to differentiate - the illness, the addiction or a proud man, trying and getting pushed back on the ground over and over?

We are trying so hard to support him and take him at his word, but he only wants to accept "help and support" on his terms... which is suspicious.

Do you have any suggestion how we can help him see that he needs counseling?

Answer
Hello Meg,
 Thanks for your kind words again.  Every addict that I have EVER meant (including me, Manic Depression/Bipolar) was Bipolar.  They just seem to go hand in hand.  
 You can try counseling but I doubt it will work.  He is still using..all of the things that you have told me point to continued used.  I wish I was there to drag him kicking and screaming into reality.
 YOU and the family can try Al-Anon but don't send him to Narcotic's Anonymous, this group is full of "dealer's" seeking new customer's.  Just a warning.
 When he screams about you not trusting him just tell him that's right because you've given me no reason to trust you.  I am always available outside of this medium if you want to talk.

God Bless
Veronica