Expert: Caroline West - 3/23/2009

Question
hello caroline, my boyfriend is now i jail but has been struggling with this heroin addiction. he broke his had on purpose so he went to the hospital to get a perscription for vicodin>sp? since he is on probation he gets away with dirty pee tests thanks to the perscription that he doesnt even use anymore. he doesnt have anyone that is a good influence in his life. he doesnt have anyone to really look up to, or to disipline him. his dad died when he was young, his mother is a really really really addicted heroin addict, his brother is in prison for his addiction to heoroin, and his sister is still addicted as well. i feel like i am not only his girlfriend but his mother, and his counsler. he said he had kept this addiction from me for a whole year because was afraid i would leave him. he tells me all the time that i am the only thing he has and doesnt want to lose me. i told him that if he wants the help and knows he has a problem i will be by his side every step of the way, but that is only if he really wants the help. i told him my idea that i think drug court would be a good program for him and it is a year long program that will push him to get a job, they have random check ins, and they enroll him in many classes. i dont know what it is or if he is lazy but he told me that he doesnt want to do that but he wants to go into a rehab. what i am afriad of is that he only wants to do the rehab becasue it is a shorter process.. i think it is actually a 30 day process. to me it sounds like wants help only because he wants me in his life. what should i do? my idea was to let him do the rehab since he brought it up but when he is done with that program to enroll him into more recovery classes and have him go with me to church. i feel like i am doing so much work that he should be doing but he doesnt have a home, he doesnt have a computer, and he doesnt have a car... im willing to set this up for him but i guess its in his hads to do what he thinks will help him? please help me? am i being to helpful?

Answer
Hi Brittaney,I'l try and look at everything one at a time.

It is extremely sad for him that he has such little support from his family but what it sounds like is the whole family needs support from somewhere so first thing is he needs to distance himself a little from them esp while he is trying to sort out his own problems.

You are much stronger and stable than him and it worries me that he is too reliant on you and it could ultimately bring you down which it sounds as if it is already happening. Your a good girl,you go to church,have material things and I am assuming an ok family and because you have more strength than him you are propping him up. He is pulling on your heart strings.You are nice and want to help him and he is picking up on that and I imagine using that to his own advantage.

Brittaney there are loads of people out there that have had similar and many worse upbringings that your bf has had and they have gone on to lead very healthy and positive lives. I've spoken to young people who have a drug addict as a mum and they have still gone on to graduate and be a success and so upbringing can't always be used as a reason or excuse. I am by no means discounting what he has been through but there comes a time when we all have to start taking responsibility and he is taking the responsibility from him and putting it on to you. He is making his problems your problem and thats not fair on you. I'm not saying he is a bad person or anything like that,I am just simply explaining the mechanics of what is happening.

You are the one that is writing to me so you are my main concern and I think he will drag you down. Already you are saying you feel like his mother,counselor,thats not good and there will be a whole lot more of that to come

As for his treatment I think he wants the easy way out,I don't think he wants help otherwise he would jump at the chance of being allowed on that year long program.There are many out there that would wish for such an opportunity. 30 day stints in rehab seldom work and over here in England many addicts go for 6 months and they still come out and use. Try and imagine what life would be like with him in 5 years time-do you really want that? The best advice I can give you is to tell him that he has to be totally clean for a year before you pick up your relationship again.That will then tell you how much he wants to get help and how much he wants you. Until then go with your gut feeling.

I wish you all the best and if you want to write again then please do.Take care and think about number one,all the best,Caroline