Expert: Veronica C. Yost - 3/6/2009

Question
QUESTION: Okay, Ive tried to get answers on-line but it never seems to work.  Found this site thought I'd give it a try.
Daughter is 32yo, two kids, separated for two years. While with husband, I found out they had Oxy addiction. Promises to quit.  Well, all they did was avoid us.  They were living with us at the time.  We threw them out.  They were thrown out of apartment we hlped them get (cuz of kids) after a year. They "temporarily" moved in on my son.  Things went from bad to worse. I had just had surgery and was waiting to recover before I tookkids but couldn't wait.  Took kids in. Daughter decided she was leaving husband. She came here with us willing to help. Then she hooked up with another user. They moved in together. He's worse as in smarter than her husband was.  He also was arrested for dealing 2 years before and was on probation for two years.  shot story - she has had three accidents in less than a year, totalled two cars, most recent was two days ago.  She was arrested for possession of heroin.  She went to court and has to back in April.  First offense. My questions are - what can she get for time, fines, etc.  She is probably being givrn advice by others who have gone thru this.  She has told her brother that they are going to start subxone (heard that before). She also is taking Xanax. I know she needs help but she is in denial. I guess I don't have much faith in our judicial system as her ex has been to court many times and gets a slap on the wrist. I havebeen praying for this to happen so it is out in the open.  I have her son, 13, with me and will probably get her daughter very soon. I just don't know where to go to get help or ask questions about all this and my rights as a grandparent to get the kids.  Hope you can help some. Thanks


ANSWER: Hello Leslie,
 Well you certainly have a lot on your plate don't you?  If I were you (don't know if this is possible) try these 2 things.  First contact the prosecuting attorney and give him a brief synopsis of what you said here.  Keep in mind they are busy and will lose interest quickly.  Talk about the children and her continued abuse of legal and illegal drugs.  Second contact your local child protective services, get custody of those kids.  Your daughter is (depending on the amount of heroine and the state you live) will probably get probation, in which case she will have mandatory drug tests.  I had that too:)  I paid someone to give me their urine.  I used other implements to fake the pee test (I won't describe it here).  
 I feel your best bet is with child protective services.  They need to know EVERYTHING!  Car accidents, drugs, arrests, who she lives with, the father's information and record.  You should have no problem gaining custody.  If they deny it, get a supervisor, contact your local news, newspaper until you draw enough attention to this they have to see it your way.

Don't give up.  I will pray for you and keep me updated.  Ask additional questions if you would like.

God Bless
Veronica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for getting back to me.  I was using a laptop so I really didn't go into too much above.  Part of my problem about confronting my daughter about her problem is that my son  doesn't want her to know he told me and her father, so my hands are tied.  I asked him when he was going to get mad at her, when she was in the hospital with tubes in her or when she put someone else there?  I know all the ways to get out of urine tests, the ex used his son's urine to pass a drug test.  Loser.  Anyway, as I said, I have my grandson, but not legal custody.  This is because he and his mother don't get along, partly I'm sure because he knows something is not right, but also because when he goes with the father (not a very pleasant separation) the father talks trash about the mother and when he gets home he has an attitude.  Monday, she was here and asked to borrow money.  She didn't look directly at me, was slurring her words, and when she left, she fell down the stairs.  I let it go cuz of her son.  But after she left, he made a remark to my son about her eyes half closed, slurring her words.  So, he does know something.  
Questions I need to know answers for =  
With these two kids, do I tell them that their parents are addicts?  They have to have some questions as to why all this is going on.  The father has pawned their toys, clothes, etc when they were together the last year.  They missed over 30 days of school, etc.  I think they have a right to know.  I was waiting for it to be in the papers before I really confronted her and told the kids.
Where to I find out who the prosecuting attorney is?  I tried asking the police dept. the details of what went on and they wouldn't tell me anything, right to privacy. Which is fine, but they can't tell me what would be printed in the paper as public info?  
DSS was already involved with her as the ex made a complaint of child abuse and neglect to the police, untrue in any event.  At that time, I sided with her as I was so unsure of her addiction.  I just can't believe you can be so "normal" but then at others so out of it.  

I was always unsure of her addiction until this past Thanksgiving.  She was at my house with the family here and obviously under the influence of something.  Her boyfriend was not here.  Her son was not here.  Just her and her daughter.  I was not going to let her leave with her daughter in the car, which didn't happen anyway.  I waited until the holidays were over and went to talk to her. I told her I was worried and concerned and thought we needed to talk.  She went off.  Of course denied anything such thing, just pot.  I told her I wasn't that stupid, etc. There was a reason her son does not want to live with her besides being bored.  Then I saw the boyfriend and told him off.  He was trying to tell me it's not what I think, etc.  Then told me she was taking xanax but stopped cuz of all the problems he was having with her.  Now this is a guy who was arrested for dealing, put on probation for two years.  They live in the same apartment that he was in when that happened and the landlord is an addict.  I can only hope that the cops are aware of all this and are watching.  In fact, the boyfriend made her wait 3 hours before going to get her, which tells me he was mad that she put the spotlight on him.  They called to ask to borrow 750 bucks for the rent as they are short (both of them called which just floors me) and he said he was sick of asking his mother.  She's paid the rent for them for the past 3 months, 2100 bucks!  Like they will ever pay that back.  Anyway, that is the usual stuff of addicts, isn't it?  The excuses for this recent incident was people like to use her car to do that in, it's not hers, etc.  Why are you friends with people who use your car to do that in if you don't do it?  Addicts reasoning, huh?
I feel bad that I would have to go to DSS to get the kids from her without letting her know I was doing that.  But it may be a way for her to realize that she needs help.  She was all upset and contrite the night this happened and my son thought she was doing some "real" soul searching.  Yeah, for about an hour maybe.   By the way, we live in Mass.  I just don't understand if nothing is done with something like this, why bother?  Why not just wait until it has happened three times, then go to court and sentence them?  I know she is going to get probation.  Probably a fine.  She going to do this again and God willing, no one will get hurt.   Well, with them owing rent, maybe they'll be thrown out of their apartment.  Boyfriend's mother is a twit and blames the girlfriends for his issues.  Kinda not facing reality, ya think?  Only child, divorced since he was 4, had him all to herself for  years.  Lonely lady with a ferret.  Boy, he's so slick, I always said that I would rather have her with her ex cuz I knew him and what to expect, but this one is slick, don't know him.  And he's in college full-time, studying to be a social worker or some such thing.  I think it's to have contacts to sell to.  He is 36 for petes sake.

If my son wasn't afraid of losing her as a sister by her being mad. I went thru this for years with her cousin who I talked to and told me plenty but didn't want me to say anything until Thanksgiving.

Thanks again.  Didn't mean to go on like this, but it is nice to be able to talk to someone who has been there.  I just can't take anymore of this.

ANSWER: Well I understand that you are frustrated.  It is frustrating for me to see some much go in so many different directions.

1.  Who cares if your daughter gets mad.  Is that more important
   than her children's lives?  She will get over being mad if and
   when she gets clean.  

2.  Let me know what city and state you live in and I will get you
   the info on the prosecuting attorney.

3.  You aren't going to help her (save her) if you keep giving her
   money.  If she says she needs food, go to the store with her.
   You are enabling this behavior and destroying your grand-
   children's lives.

4.  For the moment I would tell them Mommy is sick.  She has a
   horrible disease called mental illness.  After you have gained
   custody then get some concrete ways of explaining what addiction
   is and how is hurts.  School counselors can help with this.

5.  Speaking of school.  Go to the school and tell them that the
   kids mother is an addict.  They will be removed right away.  That
   is the most important thing in the world.  Otherwise you WILL
   have 2 more young people that develop the same addiction.

You need to combat this like a criminal breaking into your home.  Now imagine your home is inside your grandchildren.  Stop worrying about who gets hurt or mad or cries.  Nothing NOTHING comes before these kids.  PERIOD.  Do you by chance live in Ohio?  Cause I would love to meet that daughter of yours.  Look forward to hearing from you and sorry I get a little bent about this stuff.

God Bless,
Veronica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks again for getting back to me.  I get the whole enabling thing. I did give her money before I got the whole story.  I don't care if she gets mad.  In fact, we had a huge blow out Wednesday because someone told my husband about what happened and the fact that she needs help.  Of course, the whole conversation was her on Xanax, lost concentration in the car, etc.  She focused on everything but the issue.  Offered even to take a drug test which I know may not show anything.  That wouldn't prove anything to me.  We went back and fourth all day.  Her son even noticed and when told this, of course it was only that once.  I know it isn't the first time he noticed, just the first time he's made a comment about it.  She wanted her son back, she was all done, etc.  Well, the first night he went to someone elses house. So much for wanting him back.  He's back now, btw.  I have actually been pretty calm about this, this time because I know.  All the times in the past, she could convince me there was nothing wrong and I always had that little bit of doubt in my head, she always had plausable excuses.  But after Thanksgiving and now this, I do know and I also know that is what is bothering her.  Nothing she says to me now is believable and I know she's pissed that she can't excuse her way out of this.  I know she's scrambling now, which is good if you ask me.  She knows we know.  Boyfriend can't understand why we are so upset, duh. But this isn't about him.  We live in Somerset Mass, court would be in Fall River.  I know she has to go in April. She is also scheduled for court for divorce and child support in March, not sure of date.  Her ex would be all over this if he finds out, but if I tell him, he'll throw me under the bus and I could care less about him anyway.  Useless.  I know someone who knows someone who works inthe court house and was going to ask about finding out about attorney, but do I really want to go that route?  I was also told, again, by someone that had a brother living in this house that it is nothing but a big drug house.  This is bizarre.  The boyfriend used to live there about 3 years ago and was busted for dealing.  Then they move right back into the same house.  Do you think the police haven't noticed this?  I know they have been there due to the ex making threats, etc.  They know who lives there.  Last time, a neighbor dropped a dime.  But it's the people who know someone or other that know about this house and when you say my daughter lives there, they appalled.  Well, that's water under the bridge right now.  This is just going to get worse before it gets better.  Found out some more info and it just gets deeper and deeper.  I just want to make sure she doesn't just walk away with "just probation".  I want mandatory drug treatment and random drug testing.  Is that too much to ask for from the attorney?  Before the drugs, she was a good mother but we have watched is spiral out of control for 10 years now and I'm done watching.  If she doesn't want help, wants to keep living like this, there really is nothing I can do.  I just want the kids so they can get out of that environment and I will get them soon.  I dont' blame you for getting "bent" about this.  I've seen too many of my kids friends lose their way with this crap, in and out of rehab, jails, etc.  it's sickening already.  Just shoot the dealers and get it over with.  Maybe then they'll rethink how much they get involved with it.  (NOt sure if I'm serious about that.) Anway, I really do appreciate this opportunity to get some feedback.  I've already told my grandson, who wants to live with us anyway and she doesn't seem to think there is an issue with that, that I have ZERO tolerance for drugs, alcohol or teen pregnancy all of which he will be confronted with soon if not already.  Any suspicion that he is using drugs will result in a drug test and if positive, then he can go back to deal with his mother. I'm done.

Guess I get as bent out of shape over this as you.  I'm just so much more sure now, ya know what I mean?  I always was doubtful, never had any real evidence, just a feeling which she would throw me off and I know that is what addicts do and do well.  Told my husband this time I feel different because I'm right and she's not going to snow me again.  Okay, I've rambled again. Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.....again.

Answer
Hello,
 I will find out about the attorney.  As far as probation goes, she will have mandatory drug/alcohol testing as a condition of her probation.  If you speak to the PD tell him/her about testing her bi-weekly.  Then the drugs don't have time to get out of her system.

 I will get back with you today.  Veronica


Okay.  Give these people a try.

Superior Court Clerk-508-824-9681
ADA City Clerk-508-324-2220
Attorney General Martha Coakley-617-727-2543
Chief Justice Barbara Rouse-508-679-8161
Chief of Probation James Flannery-508-679-8161 ext 248
  this gentlemen will handle your daughters probation.

Keep me informed.  Veronica