Expert: Caroline West - 4/7/2009

Question
I have been with my feiance for seven years now and we have two kids.1 and 2 just two years ago I found out that he had a herione addiction. People tried to tell me but I didnt believe them he was so convinceing he said he only smoked weed. So after I had my son he asked me to move to another state wit him,so that he could get away from the drugs, and it seems as if he did stay away from them for a year. I started to notice mood swings he stayed out all night and slept the entire day when he was home I also felt as if he was cheating. Well I went back home wit my fam and six months later he showed at my son b day party crying and begging me to come back he promised to get help and also admitted to cheating with an 18 year old. I believe him and I moved back here wit him. Now I am afriad because my fam told me not to come back and he has deffinately started back using. He promised to get help and even met wit the counslers he came home wit papers saying that they would call him. I don't know if I can live like this any longer I don't know my way around this state when he leaves i dont see him until the next day and when he comes home he sleeps the entire day what should I do. He also pays no attention to his kids.

Answer
High Meme,

If everyone is telling you the same thing,in this case about your fiances drug addiction and cheating,they are usually right. If 1 person tells you something doubt it:if 2 people are saying the same thing,consider it;if 3 people sais the same then you can start to be pretty sure they are right and if everybody is saying the same-then its true.

Don't give up your family.When the shit hits the fan then its the family you turn to and are there for you.,don't blow your family out for anyone namely your boyfriend.

His current behavior is consistent with someone who is using. I also know that he has cried to you,apologized to you,saying he won't do it again and that he can't live without you and he will get help-Its bull crap. What your going through is not unique,its a familiar scenario for so many women out there. Plus your children-he is paying them no attention so you need to decide whats best for them and what type of environment would be healthier for them.

You know no one in this new state,I guess you miss your friends and miss your family. Meme it just isn't worth it-you and your kids deserve better.

The trust has gone in two places,the lies about the drug use and the infidelity. Do you honestly believe that you can trust him again,the trust is severed and you can't have a healthy relationship with those fundamental components to a partnership missing.

I will tell you the best thing you can do (what a professional in this field would tell you aswell as me) give him 1 year-separate and tell him that if he is clean for a whole year,with no slip ups,then you can start your relationship again with a bit more trust. If he is so sorry and wants to have you back-give him that stipulation-then you'll know just how serious he is about stopping. If you continue with the relationship as it is now,you will end up with more heartache and instability for your children.Is it really worth it.

I hope I have been of help and I wish you and your kids and family all the best. Anything else more you want to ask then feel free to write in again. Take care, Caroline.