Expert: Caroline West - 4/23/2009

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Before we started dating, six years ago he was addicted to what I believe was heroine, got clean and stayed clean for 5 years. About 6 months ago, he began using heroine again. He went to rehab, and then to a halfway house. I remained by his side. He then broke up with me went to California then came back and we are back together. He was going to meetings and a few days ago was accused of stealing money. He has been staying at my house for 2 days possibly more, and I found a syringe in his bag. I confronted him, and he told me that He knew it was there, and he felt like he wanted to use, but he didn't. I don't know if I believe him. He is showing no signs that I see, no nodding off, no drooping eyes, wears short sleeve shirts. I am scared. I know he wants to be clean. Should I believe him? He has agreed to try to go back to the half way house, or this other place my family and I know of that seems to have a good recovering rate. I do not want to abandon him, he has nothing, and myself and my family seem to be the only people who support him. Do you think he has a chance of making a recovery? Should I believe that he didn't use, that he may have thought about it, but didn't?

thanks for your help.
Sarah

ANSWER: Hi Sarah,

Your boyfriend (BF) being clean for 5 years is a remarkable achievement but unfortunately an addict can never become too complacent that they will never use again because the chance of relapse after 1 yr,2 yrs,3 yrs etc..can and does happen.

Because he went to Rehab and a half way house means that he went full on back to it-a total relapse. A Lapse is a slip up with a very quick turn around but a Relapse is full on back to total use again and that seems to be what happened to your BF.

As for finding the syringe in his bag,whether he was going to use it or not,is not the ok that he is clean again. To be totally free from it then a person will never have something like that in their possession. So to me I feel he has not said goodbye to using just yet.There just wouldn't be that kind of paraphernalia on him if he has.

With every lapse/Relapse and then recovery it is still none the less a step in the right direction. You learn more about yourself each time you relapse and grow from it. It usually takes many attempts at quitting to quit for good but as I said an addict cannot become complacent,they have to be constantly vigilant.

Its great that you are aware of the symptoms of someone who has used and it sounds like he may well be telling the truth. Because he has done so well in the past I would stick with him-he sounds like he genuinely wants to quit and can quit. You too need to be vigilant-give him the benefit of the doubt and just see what happens. By him going into Rehab and the half way house is very positive and evident that he wishes to stop.

Regarding stealing money,I don't know,he may well have even though he wouldn't own up to it,but from my experience it doesn't look good. Does the person he allegedly stole from against him or for him? if they are against him then they may well be being vindictive but in my mind I think he may well have taken it.

I would say stick with him as long as he is in treatment and getting help. The moment he goes back to using again,you will have to make a decision on what you want your future to be. Do you want to be with someone who is an addict and all that goes with it-the lies,the manipulation/deception,the mistrust,the lack of support etc..? My advice for now is to see how it goes,give it 6 months,thats fair to you and gives him time to turn it around,any longer then consider parting.

Don't feel you are responsible for him. I know you feel sorry for him and that he has no one else but thats not your fault and shouldn't be on your shoulders. He's a grown man and,to me,he is putting the 'guilt trip' on you. Also I would advise you to think about what YOU want and not let it be all about him-you deserve a life too.

I wish you all the best. Anything more you would like to ask or off load then feel free to write in again,I am always here. Take care and think about you more, Caroline.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks, that answered a lot for me.

About the money, well where he lived was with his mother and her 2nd husband. Her second husband hates my boyfriend, and would probably do anything to make him look like a mess up, there recently was a fight and his fight because he bought a movie for his mother and grandmother. The second husband basically said.."Well if he didn't get the movie and just let us get it we wouldn't be fighting"

I really believe he has potential. When I did find the syringe I completely flipped my lid. I was hurt and let him know that. I didn't sugarcoat anything. He admitted to my mom, dad and myself that he felt he left the halfway house too soon, and we told him about this facility called Michael Place in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, and they have a high recovery rate. He immediately went online to look at it. My mom got him an application and he immediately filled it out.

Once things calmed down a little I told him "I know you love me and want to be with me, but don't let me be the reason to stay clean, do it for yourself." and for the first time in awhile he actually opened up to me, he likes to keep things in.

I am working on me. As a college student I have to worry about my work. I made some mistakes during the break up, but I learned that I can't control his addiction, he has to do that.

He genuinely loves me, I know that. He has already told my parents he wants to beat this because he just wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and being addicted to the drug is not the way for that.

He said he is grateful that my family cares about him, he has never had anyone care or be there for him like we have. My dad loved him still, (my dad hates everybody I bring home because I am the baby in the family) but my dad is able to talk to him.

I plan to give him six months, if he gets into this Michael Place program, it is a six month deal, and you have to be clean for a minimum of 30 days to get into the facility.

I read the application, (it had to be faxed so I opened the envelope) and by the answers he put down, I feel he really wants this.

All I really am looking for in my questions is an answer that says there is atleast some hope.


Thanks Caroline.
Hope to hear from you soon

Answer
Hey Sarah,

Well it sure sounds like your mums 2nd husband and his hate for your BF that he may,and I say may,have tried to set him up. Ok theres no evidence but a few of you have suspicions-its hard to tell but none the less a possibility but still be aware that it may still have been your BF that took it,you'll I doubt will have this one figured out.

Its wonderful that your family like him,and are giving him a chance which his own family doesn't. He has also been able to get support from your family and all that love can't do not much wrong.

The Rehab sounds like a good place but there is the stipulation that he must remain clean fro 30 days to be accepted. I hope so much that he can do it,it won't be easy at all and many have failed at such a condition (I did 10 years ago-couldn't do it!!) but its doable (I'm just a bad example!! :).

(Taking the drugs out of it) From what you have told me,it sounds like you both love and care about eachother and I feel that he is a good guy that just simply got mixed up with wrong things and I believe he can do this. Give him that 6 months and see what happens.

I wish all of you and BF success at over coming this and I'm rooting for the pair of you. Take care and if you want to write in again and ask anything else then feel free to contact me. Good luck, Caroline.