Expert: Caroline West - 4/19/2009

Question
Hi, I have a teenage daughter ( soon to be 18). She has lost all interest in everything.  She skips classes, she doesn't look after herself anymore, She is a completely different child from the one that we know. She doesn't call anymore when she is out, she stays out for days.  We have to call her friends and track her down.  She lies all the time, now.  She has extreme reactions, call's us names, she is abusive towards us and manipulative.  Anyway, I believe she is doing drugs and is out of control...As a parent, What can I do?  She works part-time...and spends all her money on partying. Should we kick her out of the house?  Let her see, that these friends won't support her and help her when she has no money to spend.  I just don't know what to do anymore...

Answer
Hi Samantha,I appreciate what a difficult situation you and your family are in and I'll do my best to give you some help.

Its difficult at this time to ascertain if she is doing drugs and/or simply acting out as teenagers do to establish their independence from Mum & Dad. The symptoms very much describe typical teenage behaviours. The moodiness,the lying,the lack of parental respect and secretive about where she is going/has been-these are pretty much run of the mill for many teenagers. However...

It is also consistent with abuse of drugs. She may well be experimenting,again as many teenagers do and it may just be a rebellious phase she is going through. I understand your fears but many youngsters dabble in drugs and it lasts for a certain amount of time and then they begin to settle down as they mature.

Also,she has a job and has her own money and its all a novelty for her and its exciting and she wants to party. I'm not saying this is good but I am trying to sieve through all this to find out what is going on. And here there is a lot of factors here,not just one thing or another but a few reasons for her behaviour.

Its very difficult as to where to go from here and asking her to leave the home may shake her up when she realizes its not such a great place to be alone in the world and you are absolutely right about her friends:see how long they are going to be there for her. She hasn't a place of her own,I presume,and she will have to be crashing at friends houses and they will eventually be sick of putting her up and she may well come home and say sorry and change her ways. The other option for her once her friends have given up on her and thats for her to start sleeping at shelters and the like and I know for a fact that she most certainly won't like that and she will probably come round begging to come home.

Now there are some levels of risk here in that she digs her heels in,feel abandoned and not come home to prove a point. Whatever happens she will eventually get back in touch with you so don't think she will never get in touch:she will. Shes 17 and vulnerable and would favour home to homelessness. All of this is a tough love approach as other attempts haven't worked so maybe this is what she needs. This ultimately is your decision and I hope I have given you enough info to help you decide what to do.

I wish you all the best,don't give up on her and any other questions you want to ask me then feel free to write in again,hang in there. Best wishes, Caroline.