Expert: Caroline West - 4/30/2009

Question
QUESTION: My step-son smokes pot in his room, the whole house smells of it very strongly. besides that it makes me sick, I am very concern of his younger siblings (under 3) who have a room next to his. I have tried everything from being nice to firm but have no controll. His mother turns a blind eye citing that at least he is home, vs someplace she doesn't know where and is afraid to get on him in fear of his treats of running away (this is going on for years, he is now 16, and see nothing wrong with the pot)    
As I said, I am very worried that it might effect the little ones. I personly get headachs and want feel like I am going to throw up when I smell it, but I was told my my wife that I am overreacting.   Up till this, I thought my wife was the same as me, very anti drugs and smoking, but she is too afraid of lossing her son.

If I report this to anyone, It would mean instant divorce and split the family in half, tensions are high and I am close to doing just that.
Am I right to be concern over my little ones health/ (we are not in the same room, but it smells heavily though out the house.)
thank you

ANSWER: Hi Bob,

You have every right to be concerned about your little children. 2nd hand pot smoke can and does affect others around it and they are inhaling it and it will get them high to some degree but none the less its getting into their systems and its NOT good especially for small children.

You really need to get the support of your wife,tell her the dangers of it and that the children are being affected-this is very serious and she needs to stop denying it. Get her on side (somehow).

Your son is being extremely manipulative by using emotional black mail by threatening to run away. he knows you won't kick him out so he is doing what he pleases and this is not good. Bob its your house,its your other kids-put your foot down,at the moment he is holding all he cards. Take those cards away from him and tell him he better shape up or leave (this is for your little children as its their health both mental and physically at risk) I will tell you now that when he threatens leaving again just casually say "ok"-that will shock him as he is not expecting that answer. Let him leave and I give it a week Maximum that he will be back and he then would have learned a valuable lesson. Its your house Bob not his.

Good luck and I hope it all goes well and anymore Q's you would like to ask then please don't hesitate to do so, Take care, Caroline.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your answer. Although I agree with your answer, I am afraid that might not be the best salution (although I am at a lost as to what is). The relationship I have with him is not good, and any time there is an issue, she decides with him. She feels that I over react and do not care, we are very close to divorce, it came to that a couple weeks ago, but since we are trying to make it work, trying very hard. It was awhile since I smelled pot, untill tonight... Instead of asking him to open a window (in the past it did not go well), I took my wife's advice, on asking her to talk to him, she got up and got him to open a window, but she had a very cold and harse attudute towards me. They do not believe that it is harming the little ones, being in the other room, plus I have a 'senistive nose' while she had not smelled the pot as often.  If I do anything more, There will be a divorce, by my wife, and she has told me a couple weeks ago and other times when it looked like  a divorce that she does not want any part of the little one lifes. I always was in shock to hear that, still not fully believing it fully, but that is what I meant in spliting the family in half, cutting all relations. This is beyond my comprihention, but it also was a hugh reason why I dicided to continue to try to make it work. I am sorry to say so much, but I am losing my mind, Although a divoice would be very hard on not just us, but extended family and extra work for my mother,(70)and the hardest is how they love their mother and she loves them, I feel I can not continue to live this life anymore. I have no controll over him and the times he told his mom he was leaving because of me, it was I who was being told to leave.  anything you say would help, I am also looking into the legal of things either way it goes.
Thank you

Answer
Hey Bob,

I hear your frustration. This is a difficult one to sort out but I'll do my best to give you some straight up,honest advice.

Sometimes we have to throw in the towel,take a step back and put the emotions away and think clearly what is the best way to move forward. The best way is not always the easiest and less painful but what is going on in your home is not easy on everyones part.

I feel that its a lot more now other than it all being about your son. Your wife clearly is not standing by you so trust and loyalty between you two is/has been severed and it sounds as if the notion of divorce has been looming for a very long time even before all this has happened with your boy. It seems like no one is listening to you anymore and thats got to hurt. It also sounds like its you that is doing all the work to keep your family together but if divorce is lingering maybe for you its time to put your hands up and say ok,this is not working anymore. I know that you don't want to hear this and its up to you if you choose to listen or not but you have got to put your emotions on the back burner for now,put on your rational/logical hat and look at it from that angle on whats best to do for everybody.

I just want to say again from my last reply that the children are taking in the smoke. I was at a party once and everybody there was smoking Pot and the room was thick with smoke. I got very light headed,stumbling all over the place trying to get out and collapsed. So-from personal experienced I know second hand inhalation is not good so you are right to worry and its quite bad that no one else in your household seems that bothered-thats not good and quite appalling.

It sounds like you are already thinking about the divorce,the custody of the children as you mentioned looking into the legalities of it all. I think this is a good move and you should pursue it. I don't know the full law but I have a little idea of how it works so if you would like additional support on that then write in and ask. There are a few things going in your favor,again if you would like my support on that then write in as I don't want to be too premature when as of yet nothings been decided.

If I read it rightly that you wife doesn't care about the little ones-that must have ripped your heart out. You got to take action.

OK,have another soul search and think about whats best for everyone yourself included. Write back if you need to-I'm always here and I wish you all the best and more-hang in there. Caroline